Summary

I must be clear. These two years were hard. Even after her death, it is a caregiving journey that continues to be difficult as we manage the webs of required documents while trying to maintain my grandpa's mental and physical wellbeing. These two years hold my life's best and worst days. I do not want to romanticize care or Alzheimer's. What I’m saying is, I don’t know how I would be ok if I didn’t have these moments and memories that ruptured existences of suffering. The caregiving journey, especially through the end of hospice, is so physically, emotionally, and spiritually taxing. Relationships were built and unbuilt over and over and trying to navigate my home often felt like walking on a tight rope. It was only through moments of our care relationship that my grandma and I could be and are still, ok. She is the primary author of realities that work beyond simplistically pitiful perceptions of Alzheimer's and I can only take credit for being able to share her efforts here. 

These artifacts show that we need to appreciate how our loved ones show us exactly how to recognize them. It didn't matter if the person in front of me could no longer verbalize words, I knew it was Dawn when she would dance with twinkling fingers along to Herb Alpert's Mae. It didn't matter that the person I was helping to the bathroom couldn't remember my name. What mattered was her acceptance in letting me help and her concluding statement of "when in doubt, work it out" after we had finished the task. 

I don't know what the very first instance of 'when in doubt, work it out' was. Around 2018, my grandma would frequently say 'when in doubt, work it out' in response to any issues happening around her. It became her signature phrase and could be molded to fit any situation. Example: While enjoying a crisp beverage such as gingerale or watered down wine, she would remark 'When in doubt, drink it out!' I think it is so interesting that this was her self-developed motto throughout these years. There is something captivating about a phrase that comforts and soothes through the unknown that is feared by so many. 

I've decided to use this phrase as the title of my project. It is universally applicable. If you're in doubt about you're future, it's ok, you'll work it out. If you're in doubt about where you are, it's ok you'll work it out. 

In August of 2022, my sibling, Alex, and my grandma were sitting together.

"You know what I always say?" asked Dawn.

"What grandma?"

"When in doubt, work it out... and I'm working it out a lot," 

None of us were ever in a state of certainty and I'm not sure if that's a possible state to reach in any caregiving journey. But we always worked it out. We worked out a lack of information about the disease. We worked out playlists that stabilized the emotional environment of my home and my grandma. There were times she didn't know her name. She worked it out, asking me who she was. I'd say "you're my grandma! Your name is Dawn Richard and you're from California. Your husband James is sitting on the couch next to you. You are in the home you share with your daughter, Renee. And I love you!"

Every time I would list that out, she would be most relieved at the end when she learned I loved her. She knew that meant she was in the right place and was safe. It was a phrase of recognition that weighed more than any of the names or places she had identified with throughout her life. 

She would often apologize and insecurely chuckle about it. 

I'd reply "When in doubt, work it out!"

A grin would crawl across her face. She would grab my hand and say

"When in doubt, work it out!"