A few Sundays ago, my partner and I binge watched a television show. When we’ve done that in the past, we’ve often ended up feeling emotionally exhausted, physically drained, and like we wasted hours and hours of our lives. But this time, we ended it feeling really good because each episode was a catalyst for us to work on our marriage!

Research shows that couples may improve their relationships by talking about movies they watch together as much as by engaging in couples therapy or learning conflict management techniques. The Promoting Awareness & Improving Relationships Study invites couples to watch movies in which significant characters are in a committed relationship. The research participant couples are instructed to discuss the movies using 12 questions as prompts. The study’s principal investigator suggests that giving couples a framework within which they can focus on their relationship in a low-pressure way allows them to use skills they already have. Seeing characters engage allows couples to reflect on their own behaviors to reinforce the positive and possibly change less healthy ways of interacting.

The characters of the 2021 Netflix show we watched, Anxious People [Folk med ångest in Swedish], include two married couples. In an early episode, one of the characters experiences an emotional crisis and pushes his wife to meet his needs rather than doing his own inner work. The end of that episode was a good opportunity for us to talk about times Mark or I may have done that with one another and what we might do if we ever notice it happening between us again. Subsequent episodes allowed us to further explore “growing ourselves up” as we watched the character do so.

When we first learned about the study, Mark and I used the 12 questions but found the structure unnecessary. Now we just discuss the characters we relate to and talk about what we admire about their behavior or things we would hope to do differently if ever faced with a similar situation. (I will say, though, that we really hope never to accidentally hit a guy on a bike who then gets murdered by someone who frames us for it as in the plot in the very funny Netflix film Lovebirds.)

If you are interested, here is information about the research.

Here is a link to the screening to join the study.

I tend to not like Hollywood movies very much, preferring Foreign or Arthouse films. Here is my own list of films that I’ve watched over the past few years that would make for good couple discussion. Feel free to add suggestions if you watch anything good!

One of the most common questions people ask Couple Enrichment Leaders is “How many couples do you need for a workshop”.

The most common answer is “If there are 4 couples interested, let’s plan a workshop.”

FCE has had workshops with as few as 3 and as many as 18 couples participating, and each Leader Couple has their own opinion on the “best” size of a group. However, if there is a core of four couples in a community who think they might be interested in a workshop (in-person or virtual), we believe it is worth starting a conversation to see if way will open.

If there are couples in your community who are intrigued but uncertain about what a workshop entails, one possibility is to ask FCE to offer a short online or in-person presentation to the community. A Leader Couple can introduce dialogue as a spiritual practice and describe what a workshop might include. Once the appetites are whetted, FCE could continue to partner with your community to organize a workshop that meets your needs.

Intrigued? Start the conversation by Email FCE’s Ministry & Outreach Committee

There is a Yoga App (called Down Dog) where you can choose what sort of yoga practice you want each day. The app allows you to “boost” the basic practice by choosing a particular area to focus on: do we want to focus on stretching our hamstrings, building our core strength, or work on our hip flexibility, for example. The resulting yoga practice covers the whole body, but spends some extra time and poses on the “boost” area.

We find this idea of taking a basic practice and enriching it by focusing on one particular aspect useful in dialogue as well. The goal of dialogue is to increase our understanding of each other, but to do that we use a variety of skills or tools. In a recent workshop we invited couples to make an effort to “boost” ONE of these six skills — to remind themselves during a dialogue to pay attention and exercise the skill, both as a listener and a speaker. It doesn’t mean not using the other tools, but sometimes it helps to have a focus.

1. BECAUSE
   SPEAKER: The key to unlocking the depths is “because”. Naming emotions can be cathartic — AND the more we can understand the ‘why’ of these emotions, the deeper we can get into the motivations and impact of these emotions, and the more likely we are to move from just words to transformation. Bringing the BECAUSE into the light of day means it will have less hold over you and release you to listen more faithfully to how Spirit is calling you forward. LISTENER: If you don’t hear the “because”, lean in! Ask “why do you feel that way” or “I don’t think I heard the because.” Asking “is there more” is another way of asking “what is the deeper why?”

2. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT?
   SPEAKER: chunk what you have to share so that your partner can listen you into deeper sharing. Sometimes stream of consciousness sharing is a form of hiding. Not enough space, too many words. It can often be helpful to say “Can you reflect what I have said so far?” to indicate that you have more, but need to hear a reflection partway through.
   LISTENER: avoid parroting back all that you heard. Much of what is said is important for understanding the context but not important for understanding your partner. So ask yourself “what is the most important thing my partner is reaching for and wanting to share with me? BOTH: use a signal, e.g. a hand squeeze to indicate that you want to reflect. In essence, interrupt, or that you want to have a reflection given.

3. WHAT IS THE EMOTION?.
   SPEAKER: Name an emotion, rather than a thought. Our society often sidesteps emotions by saying “I feel like …” or “I feel as though …” followed by a thought or description. For example, saying “I feel angry when people ignore me” will get you further than “I feel like screaming when people ignore me” or “I feel as though people are ignoring me.” LISTENER: ask “what is the emotion?” Gently challenge the “likes” and “as thoughs”.

4. STAY IN ROLE.
   Couples often have difficulty staying within the discipline of the roles because they assume they already know what their partner feels or thinks. This short-circuits the opportunity to discover something new about your partner. SPEAKER: don’t give up the talking stick too soon! If the listener doesn’t seem to quite get what you are saying, try again. By offering more explanation, you are allowing your partner further into your soul. Sometimes it is helpful to say “what I really want you to know is…”. LISTENER: don’t add your opinions to your reflection. Focus on reflecting what you heard, remembering that reflecting what your partner says doesn’t mean you agree or disagree with it.

5. AVOID HIDDEN CONTEST OF WHO IS RIGHT. An exploratory dialogue is about understanding — not about who is correct. SPEAKER: claim that your emotions and understanding are your own. Don’t assume they are true for your partner.. We often use the tool “The Story I Tell Myself Is…” For example, “The story I tell myself is that when you are reading a book I can’t disturb you.” LISTENER: If your partner says something that doesn’t seem true to you, refrain from correcting them. Simply reflect. When it is your turn to speak, you can say, “I heard you think you can’t disturb me when I’m reading. I have a different perspective.”

6. EXPLORE FURTHER: SPEAKER. Once you have named your emotions and your “because” and your partner has reflected them, see if you can articulate your bedrock values, your needs, your desires, associated with the situation. LISTENER: Ask open ended questions: “what values are you honoring here? What are you longing for?”

By Kathy Richman

I taught first grade for many years. Every year in my class, six year old children learned to read. I know that I was a part of this process; I worked with my students, taught them decoding skills, and introduced them to the joys of literature. One after another, they emerged as readers. There always seemed to be a kind of magic involved as I saw them “get it,” although nobody had mentioned magic during my credential classes.

Couples dialogue often seems to me to involve a kind of magic, too. Couples learn communication skills like reflective listening, checking for understanding, and taking turns as the speaker and the listener. Yet something often happens during dialogue that is more than the sum of its parts. Perhaps it is the result of being held in loving witness, or looking into the eyes of one’s beloved and listening without distractions. Sometimes this magic is an “Aha!” moment, when something suddenly becomes perfectly clear. Sometimes the magic involves the uncovering of emotions that one or both partners did not realize were lying hidden beneath the surface of the dialogue. Occasionally someone says, “I felt heard in a way I never have before when we talked about this.” Partners talk about having been able to move beyond a point where they had always gotten stuck before. Dialogue is not a predictable path towards a given outcome; it is giving ourselves over to Spirit and opening ourselves to our partners “in front of God and everyone” to whatever may come.

We have had the experience of modeling a dialogue about what seemed like a minor issue, although it was a source of conflict. As we dialogued about whether whoever had called our daughters should put the conversation on speakerphone, the underlying emotions behind this conflict emerged, showing that this was about much more than whether speakerphone would be on or off. One of the workshop participants commented, “When you began this dialogue, I thought it was about something trivial. I was really struck by where the dialogue ended up, so different in depth from where it started.”

Other couples have talked about how much further their dialogue has taken them than their previous conversations on the same topic. “We’ve talked about this so many times, but today we reached an understanding of each other that hasn’t happened before. Before, each of us would just keep making the same points we’ve always made.”

Sometimes insight comes suddenly. One participant commented, “In response to my wife’s sharing I have been saying, ‘I am hearing that . . .’. But I want to try now saying, ‘I am sensing that…’ because that might help me to better appreciate the emotions behind what my wife said.”

Dialogue is central to Couple Enrichment because it is a precious gift given to us and that we keep giving through the following years of our life together.

by Marsha Green, Durham, NC

We often say that Couple Enrichment is important because peacemaking begins at home. I was reminded of this recently when I read an article about anti-racism. The article, "9 Phrases Allies Can Say When Called Out Instead of Getting Defensive," addresses the fact that even when we mean well we often unintentionally hurt people, and it can be uncomfortable when that hurt is named. As the title suggests, the author provides alternative responses to the knee-jerk position of defensiveness when someone corrects us over issues of perpetuating white supremacy.

Instead of just saying 'sorry' and leaving it at that, some of the phrases the author suggests are:

"I'm going to take some time to reflect on this."

'I recognize that I have work to do."

"I believe you."

"I apologize, I'm going to do better."

"Thank you."

What struck me as I read these phrases is how they are the same phrases that my best self uses when my beloved lets me know I have hurt him.

They are phrases that I can only say if I am willing to admit that I have caused harm, regardless of my intention. They are phrases that honor the experience of the other person as reality. They are phrases that indicate that something just might change because of this interaction.

They are phrases that I need to take out into the world with me as I join with my community in the ongoing work of standing up against racism.

I am so glad that my imperfect relationship with my beloved provides a place to practice these non-defensive responses. Surely, practicing peacemaking at home can only strengthen my ability to respond more appropriately when I am called out for unintentionally harming people of color by failing to see how my actions (or inactions) are perpetuating a culture that seems not to believe that Black Lives Matter.

by Mary Linda McKinney

You know how it is to be with people who are being fully present with one another, sharing, perhaps not their deepest truths but still, from their authentic selves? It feels holy to me, like I am connected to something much greater than myself.

Friends Couple Enrichment witnessed dialogue often feels like that to me. I bring my full self to listen and be present to whatever each couple brings. What they talk about is largely irrelevant to me because each relationship is utterly unique but I am always attentive to the feelings they share as they talk, the body language they use, and the “energy” that passes between them. When I am witnessing another couple’s dialogue, I feel humbled and grateful that I am able to be with them while they do the sacred work of tending to their relationship.

When I join with others to witness another couple in dialogue, we don’t do anything other than hold them in loving, non-judgmental attention. I generally think that using one of the FCE dialogue models is helpful but our witnessing is less about observing technique and more about seeing whether the way they communicate works well for them. If a couple invites reflections at the end of their dialogue, they will mostly hear observations about the love, respect, or deep feelings we witnessed and possibly some gentle suggestions for other approaches they could take while dialoguing. Friends Couple Enrichment is about building on strengths.

When my husband Mark and I are engaging in dialogue with other couples holding us in their compassionate attention, we feel supported to speak with one another with tenderness, and honesty. We are able to choose what we talk about, how deep we will go into it, and how vulnerable we are willing to be with one another in front of others. Within those parameters, I experience freedom to express myself with integrity knowing that I will be deeply heard, so that, even when Mark and I do not see eye-to-eye, he listens carefully and with heart-felt consideration to what I say.

I believe that all of life is sacred and this includes my marriage and all committed relationships. Thinking in this way helps me to see that engaging in dialogue with Mark, alone or in a group, and witnessing the dialogues of others is spiritual practice. And, like anything in life, the more we practice it, the better we get at it.

With this in mind, when the board of Friends Couple Enrichment discussed the idea of creating on-line dialogue opportunities, Mark and I gladly volunteered to facilitate. We are now hosting monthly dialogue gatherings for any couple who has ever participated in any Friends Couple Enrichment event via the Zoom video conferencing website. We gather together, do a brief review of how to dialogue and how to witness, and then invite couples to dialogue with the rest of us as witnesses. (Nobody has to if they would prefer to just witness!)

Our next two Drop-in Dialogue gatherings will be on Saturday, March 21st at 12:00 Central, and Friday, April 10th at 7:00 pm Central. If you would like to join us, please register for either or both sessions below. If you have questions, you are welcome to connect with us by email: Mark Wutka & Mary Linda McKinney mcwutka@gmailcom.

Saturday March 21, 2020 from 12:00-2:00 pm Central time REGISTER

Friday, April 10, 2020 from 7:00 - 9:00 pm Central time REGISTER