Testimonials
"I wish I had protected myself instead of her."
A survivor's story of surviving same sex assault.
Years ago I worked with a very close friend which ended up being a huge mistake. The workplace was hostile to begin with, and sexual harassment was common from one of the owners.
The owner was also an alcoholic who didn't like to drink alone, so he often took the whole office out to the bars.
On one of these occasions we were all bar hopping downtown on the company's dime and my "friend" started getting a little flirty with me which I will reciprocate because, why not? It's all in good fun to flirt with your friends when you're tipsy!
As the night progressed the flirting became unwanted groping and forced making out in front of our entire office staff. All of this was encouraged and egged on by the owner(s).
I was constantly being handed drinks that I didn't order or want. After a while I was blacking out and coming-to with my friend forcing herself on me in the middle of a bar, despite very clear protest from me.
I couldn't have consented to any of it if I had wanted it. Luckily, at that point one of our co-workers was having her partner come pick her up and they offered to take me and my friend to our houses too. Obviously this friend sat with me in the backseat and was trying to convince me to come home with her. She graphically described the sex acts she wanted to do with me, whispering so our friends driving couldn't hear. She attempted to put her hands up my skirt and into my underwear. I pushed her hands away telling her "no" repeatedly, reminding her that we were both married (not in open relationships), and our partners were best friends. Her spouse was at my house with mine, which is why she wanted me to go to her house. She continued to grope me in the backseat and put her hands up my skirt, then started getting angry when she realized I absolutely was not going home with her and tried to make me feel guilty for "rejecting her".
When I finally got home I was so drunk I could barely walk and puked in the backyard, but damn was I happy to get out of that car. I didn't want to go inside because I didn't want my partner and friend's partner to talk to me. I didn't know what to do or say, but I felt really guilty.
I ended up going to bed feeling like hell and trying to process what happened. I woke up the next morning to a text from the friend apologizing and asking me to drive her to pick up her car downtown. I agreed, because I wanted to talk about what happened.
She begged me not to tell our partners, because "nothing really happened. It didn't mean anything. We were both drunk. It will ruin our marriages. Don't overreact." She minimized the behavior to make me feel like I was being silly, and it worked. I didn't just feel silly, I was absolutely humiliated.
Of course when we returned to work the next week, the owners were a little too excited to find out what happened between us after we left the bar. They were disappointed to learn that the answer was "nothing".
I think worse than the actual events of that night was the way it was treated as a joke at work. As if it had been entertainment for them and was regarded as being "hot" to observe.
That was the beginning of the end of my friendship with them and my employment at that company.
I was afraid to tell my spouse (or anyone) for years, because we had a very close-knit friend group, and this could potentially destroy it.
I also worried that no one would think it was "that bad" because it was a woman assaulting another woman. Even as I'm writing this I asked my partner, in the year of our Lord Dolly 2023, if this was "bad enough" to be considered assault. Their answer was yes, so we'll go with it.
Eventually years passed, and I didn't feel the need to protect her image anymore to our friends, so I told our very close group and my (then) spouse a few years ago. However, to this day I don't think her (then) spouse knows that this happened.
Now that I'm older, wiser and more jaded by life I wish that I had just walked into the living room that night and told them both right then. Cried to them instead of alone in the bathroom, as quietly as I possibly could.
I wish I had protected myself instead of her.