by Bennett Creighton, Staff Writer
On February 9, 2020, a crack team of investigators uncovered classified documents concerning the Space Force underneath the floor of the local Tesla store. These documents revealed two things: one, that the US Department of Defense needs to stop using the wrong form of “theirs,” and two, that the Space Force is an elaborate nation-wide cover-up. As the documents reveal, President Trump has lied to the American people about the newest branch of the military. According to the classified files, Trump has agreed with Russian President Putin to engage in a global competition. The documents reveal that an ongoing feud with America and Russia first began in the form of cured meats, specifically sausages. As the cylindrical meats became longer and longer on both sides, Russia started aggravating American-made meat manufacturers. To fire back, the president had a closed-doors meeting with Putin to set up official rules to a contest of length. This was the formal start to the competition in hopes of determining who was longer. The challenge was simple; whichever country made the lengthiest rocket in the most economical way, would be crowned the longest country around. America, not wanting to admit that they engaged with Russia in the planet's biggest cured-meat tournament, made the U.S. Space Force as an excuse.
Currently, America has begun development on a rocket entitled NICE and plans to be completed on April 4th. This rocket will truly be the longest America has ever seen, standing at 1377.95276 feet and boasting a whole 69 engines. The only set-back may be the fact that all known laws of physics state that such a rocket will collapse under its own weight, but engineers state that “We’ll get there when we get there.” Russia has already begun rolling out lengthy spacecraft such as Бабушкина палочка, Шутка в том что сосиски как мужские гениталии, and the longest rocket with confirmed take off, at 666 feet: Подпишитесь на Бориса. As of writing, the battle is still being fought on both sides. America is hoping to start experimenting with how to keep such a vertically inclined rocket in the air without causing a massacre. Russia is currently on a small “ice fishing break,” American intel suspects that they will run out of vodka in three months and return back to work after. Until then, stay hopeful, and find the truth.