Finding Life After Death

Growing up, I always used to see characters in TV shows or movies that had a dead or absent parent. Characters like Katara from Avatar, Ariel from the Little Mermaid, and Hiro from Big Hero Six are just a few examples. 

Watching the portrayals of grief as a young child, you would never imagine being in their position. The idea of such an unfortunate loss happening to you was such an insane notion to ever consider—so insane that you do not even spare a thought to think of what you would do if such a thing happened. 

Neng Lopez died on February 8, 2023 at 43 years old. She was a wonderful woman who devoted her life to her children, me and my sister. At the time of writing this, her death happened exactly 408 days, 7 hours, 35 minutes, and 58 seconds from now, yet the grief I hold from that loss stays fresh even until now. 

For as long as I can remember, my mother was whom I always depended on in life. My father left our family early on in my childhood, so I naturally became attached to my mother and always clung to her. 

As a kid, I was not the best behaved, to be quite honest. I was the type who always wanted to run around and never wanted to sit down and study. I resented my mother for wanting to make me more academically driven. 

I am eternally grateful my mother put up with my antics because her hard work and persistence is what made me the person I am today. Her constant determination and support stays with me until now and is what helps push me through thick and thin.

Still, on the days where my heart feels heavy and my limbs feel weak, I recall the moments leading up to her death like clockwork. 

My mother had always complained about her stress and especially her fatigued heart. However, on that specific day, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She had even dropped me off at school. 

That school day was insignificant, yet, because of how much I have run through everything that happened that day through my head, I can recall every detail. 

I remember asking Ma’am Chang for an extra laboratory sheet because I was absent the day prior. I remember chatting with my friend Nica about how our badminton tournament went.

I especially remember how during lunch time I called my mother and told her that I would be going to Starbucks after dismissal and that she should just pick me up there. 

I recall that due to the bad cell service in the junior high school building, I couldn’t hear her properly and so I hung up after her choppy reply without realizing that was the last contact I would ever have with her.

I immediately knew something was off the moment it wasn’t my mother picking me up and instead was one of her friends. 

When I got home, I received a call from my sister telling me that my mother had a stroke and was now in the hospital. My sister asked if I wanted to visit her, and I told her that I would visit the next day since it was late and my mother’s condition was stable anyway. 

After the call, I did my English homework before taking a nap. I awoke to a call saying that I should come immediately because my mother only had a few hours left to live.

The aftermath of my mother’s death felt static. I simply ran through the motions of my everyday life.

At the time, I felt like nothing could ever make me feel better. 

Now, while I feel like her death was an unforgettable experience, I also feel as though I left that event with a lot of life lessons.

One of the things I learned was that grieving is hard, but that the only way to be able to move on from a person is to connect to a different person. 

The people around me–my community and my friends–were the ones who helped push me through this tough time. 

One of my friends told me that they had researched ways on how to help people who were grieving and it felt incredibly motivating to know that others were also cheering me on to stay happy.

Still, the most important part of getting through death is understanding the basic underlying principle that grief never truly leaves you. 

It is easy to say that grief gets smaller over time and you heal from your loss, but the truth is that it never shrinks and instead you must learn how to build yourself around that grief and not let it consume you. 

Instead of trying to forget what happened, try to remember all the good memories you had of the person and allow yourself to miss them. 

Neng was an incredible person. Her peers recall her as smart, kind, feisty, and never the one to back down from a challenge. 

Everyday, I envision myself as a reflection of my Neng’s parenting. Every step she took for my future back then is what I mirror now in turn. 

I don’t allow myself to fall into regrets or what-ifs, because no matter how long I get stuck in my daydreams the real world continues to move. 

Life is a never ending story that continues even without you. Don’t feel helpless in the face of uncertainty and instead write the story you want to be told. 

I could have let my grief and loss consume me but instead I use it as motivation, as the wind that pushes my sail forward to my success. 

After all, we shouldn’t allow our lives to rot while we are still above ground.