"Reciprocal Giving"

When I was younger, making friends was easy - I never really had to think about it. I could count on regularly seeing my little group of friends at my homeschool co-op, and no more effort had to be put into the relationship other than the natural childish eagerness to play. There was one particular little girl who lived just a couple doors down on my street, Meadow. We had known each other ever since I could remember, and played nearly every day, so that she became like another sister to me. We grew up together, transitioning through grades, learning Santa didn’t exist, learning our first curse words, talking about boys, etc. For years, we were each other’s best friend, until it all stopped.  

It was around age 12 or 13 that we suddenly fell distant. What could have caused it? I theorize it may have been because she had recently made a new friend whom she hung out with a lot. I didn’t have anything against this girl, I just didn’t seem to click with her as much. Maybe I felt jealous, or that I had been replaced, or that I was not wanted anymore, but I soon stopped trying to hang out as much as possible, and the relationship quickly faded. How was it so easy after so many years? I really don’t know. Meadow and I met a couple times in the next couple years, but soon even texts became months in-between. It was upsetting, but I had just joined high school, and I had high hopes of being able to more on and find new friends, like she did. I told myself it was alright if we didn’t get along together, people find their own paths. Communication ceased and I saw no need in trying to reconnect. 

I was now in high school and I liked it very much. My classmates were wonderful and was sure I’d find a new best friend. However, as time passed, while I loved my classmates, nothing ever clicked between us that would spark a substantial friendship. I became more at peace with the fact that I wouldn’t find a very close friend among my particular peers, but a struggle still continued inside me. I started thinking a lot about why it was so difficult for me to make friends, and could never convince myself that I was fine without them. Memories of Meadow and me playing together in the creek, riding our bikes in my back yard, and playing games in her room kept reoccurring in my mind, constantly resurfacing my desire for another relationship like that. I often felt lonely and in need of someone my age with whom to share my thoughts, concerns, struggles, and joys.  

Come senior year, I settled with being just “friendly” with my peers and getting all that I needed in a meaningful relationship from my parents and my sisters. I had yet to realize what I had been missing in my new relationships the whole time was communication. Then, on a hot August afternoon, it suddenly dawned on me. It was the summer after senior year, and I was weeding the garden for my mother. Such menial labor for the hands allowed for extensive contemplation of the mind. I was considering in depth my ability, or lack thereof, of making friends, whether it was really satisfactory, and what I might be able to do to fix it. I started thinking about Meadow again. It all seemed so dumb to me. She still lived in the same house three doors down, the interior of which I knew like the back of my hand. I thought about her very often, yet could never find a real reason for growing so distant. Could it be that she thought about me just as much, but we both were too timid to reconnect, thinking the other wouldn’t be as willing? It all seemed so senseless. My frustrated train of thought concluded as I reflected, “Here I am, feeling lonely and sorry for myself, while there is an awesome girl practically right next to me whom I loved as a sister for so many years, but with whom I hadn’t exchanged a word for so long.” Suddenly, I decided. I was going to text her and tell her just that, and if she didn’t share my sentiment, nothing would be lost. But if she did, a friendship could be regained. 

Most likely, it was the Holy Spirit who spoke to me that day in the garden, because I was too foolish to realize the importance of communication. Why didn’t I make any friends? Because I never gave the effort. I thought a friend would fall into my lap, like they used to when I was 6. Thankfully, that event made me realize the importance of simply communicating and showing you care. Not long after, I made the move to contact other friends whom I had not spoken to in a while. When I came to college, I wanted to change this attitude of timid silence toward others. Knowing I wanted to make long-lasting friendships in college, I pushed myself to employ the  lesson I learned, to take the first step, reciprocate, and follow up. Day three of orientation, the Holy Spirit lead me again, completely contrary to my former character, to introduce myself to a random girl standing by me. I am happy to say she is now one of my greatest friends.  

It may be difficult to be the one to give the effort sometimes, especially when you haven’t spoken with someone for a while and you don’t know what their thoughts on the relationship are. You may find yourself too busy, or you may be convinced the other has moved on, but the effort is always worth it. For some people it’s more difficult than for others – I know it’s hard for me sometimes. But friendships are important and rewarding, and communication is a valuable skill in all aspects of life. Since this development was so recent, I still have a long way  to grow in my ability to communicate and maintain relationships. However, now I know what I need to work on. Friendships, and any relationship, is built on reciprocal giving. It may not always be comfortable to spend your time or energy on someone else, but in a good friendship, it is always rewarding. Each person needs to give a bit of himself and receive a bit from the other in order for the relationship to grow and be long-lasting.