"the 'you are special' plate"

i never understood why girls cried on their birthday.

birthdays were always fun for me, i had 

a present

a cake

a card

a red plate for my blueberry pancakes that says 

“you are special!”

you are special 

you are special until you turn 18 and all of a sudden your goal has been met:

congratulations! you are a person!

i always dreamed about what i would do as a person.

i never thought about how i would feel as a person.

you are special until you turn 19 and all of a sudden it’s your first birthday away from home.

i don’t know, i guess i thought someone other than my mom would remember.

my gift this year is a plane ticket home for the holidays.

my dreams aren’t pretty anymore and the sparkle in my eyes is from last night’s makeup

you are special until you turn 20 and everyone is just a little too busy.

you are just a little too inconvenient

you are just a little too time consuming

you’re just a little too much.

or maybe you’re not enough.

maybe they don’t want to go out of their way because you’re just, 

you know,

you.

i didn’t think that would ever scare me like it does.

i didn’t think i would feel like i have to constantly apologize for

existing.

i don’t think that is what personhood is supposed to feel like.

now, i don’t want you to think i'm crying because i’m getting older.

in fact, i hope that as i grow older, i will cry less.

i’m crying because the birthday plate was wrong 

i am not special 

i’m just another girl who cries on her birthday