What is Bullying?

What is Bullying?

By Katherine Knabe

Bullying is actually an imbalance of power and happens repeatedly over time. This is where the bully targets a child and is hurtful through physically, emotionally (excluding purposefully or calling names over and over), or cyberbullying where a child is target of posts/videos repeatedly.

Bullying is not a child being called a name or being left out of a game. It is not one instance of a mean text of post. It is something that occurs over time - where it is clear there is a pattern of one person being in power and targeting the other.

This is an important distinction for parents to make. It is also a helpful (and hopeful) distinction for parents to make.

In addition, it might be that the two kids involved are equally “dishing it” to each other. [See second image on above diagram]. Sometimes it sounds like bullying, but what is actually happening is a disagreement or conflict between two kids who are not getting along well. If this is the case, consider talking with the parent of the other student or the school counselor. If I get involved, I usually try to figure out the root cause of the disagreement and see if we can put it behind us. I also review with the kids involved how to handle our strong feelings if we feel frustrated or angry (using calming down strategies or emotion regulation to help the student handle situations differently). Sometimes the best solution is for the kids to just not be friends. Although it sounds extreme, as you know in your own life, there are just some times when a person is toxic to you and you are better off person. Have the school counselor or classroom teacher help you to determine if this is the situation. If it is, kids can be encouraged to play away from each other, not stand in line together, or sit together.

How do I help my kid?

Practice! Children respond really well to role playing. Although you might feel silly, act out (with puppets, toys, or just in person) what she would do if someone says she cannot play. How can she handle this situation? Could she walk away (guide her to walk powerfully with purpose) toward a different person and ask to play with someone else? (If you feel your child lacks the skills to make a friend click here). If your child has someone say something mean to him, then he can do something to respond to it. It is an important life skill. It is so important over the course of his life, he learns to handle if someone is unkind. Just think of your last response to someone who might’ve flipped you off while driving or when a coworker stated something negative about your work. This is not bullying. It is not nice. It is not pleasant, but it happens and it is important we all can handle these situations with grace and positive social skills - to be the bigger person when someone else is not. To be assertive and not passive. To be strong and not a victim. These are all life skills we want our children to have.

If a student tries to solve the problem, but the person persists or follows them - ask the student to go to an adult to report the problem. I help kids to practice stating the problem in a non-cranky/whiny voice -- something like, “Ms. Johnson, I am having a problem. Bobby called me a name. I tried to solve my problem by walking away and ignoring him, but he just followed me and called me the name again.” The adult will immediately go into action. At schools, we take this type of behavior very seriously because unattended it can go easily into a bullying pattern.

The problem I see over and over again is the student often does not tell anyone. Or maybe weeks later they might mention it to a parent. It is absolutely essential to empower the kiddo to speak up for herself immediately and tell an adult. It is extremely hard to follow up on an issue that is weeks or even years old. I always try because I want to honor what that student is sharing with me, but I really beg them if something ever comes up again to come and tell me, the classroom teacher, or their parents IMMEDIATELY! I can act (and I do!) quickly if I know in the moment!

What do I do if my child is being repeatedly bullied by someone?

First question to ask: Where is it happening?

Is it in the neighborhood? Go and speak to the parents of the child. Be an advocate for your kiddo.

Is it at the bus stop? Go and wait with your child for the bus (if your child is too embarrassed to have you stand with him then wait in your car until he enters the bus). Talk to the parents of the student. Talk to the bus driver. Call transportation for the district and tell them of your concerns. Have your child sit up in the front row of the bus. This will allow the bus driver to always monitor your child and keep the bully away.

Is it at school? Contact me or Mrs. Evans, our principal. Tell us about any history or incidents you know of. Especially if you witnessed them.

Is it online? Limit social media or just delete accounts. Teach your child how to take screenshots of everything. Even Snaps can be taken if done quickly enough. Look into local law enforcement. What are the laws about cyberbullying in your state? Does your local police department have a focus for helping with cyber issues. If it is happening at school (usually all social media is blocked for school use) or is directly about school, contact the principal or school counselor. Even if it is not directly about school, if a parent contacts me to let me know it is going on, then I can act as a go between to make sure the student does not sit beside the person who is targeting them and help them to find others to play with.

What else can a parent do?

Talk to the parent of the other student involved.

Reduce or eliminate social media outlets. This includes apps where kids communicate through texting like Musically or SnapChat.

Look at the CRCSD Bullying/Harrassment Resource page.

Consider getting some counseling for your student. He might need additional support to build up self-concept to be more assertive. Or he might need support to undo the unkind comments or bullying.