cqrlqz blog

(entries ordered latest to oldest)

ANY POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING TOPICS IN ENTRIES WILL BE MARKED WITH ⚠

Chapter Thirty-Two (6/10)

Uhhh… hi!!!! It’s been SUPER long, i know.. i’m sorry. A lot has happened but i’ve just been feeling really lazy lately and kept procrastinating. But i’m here now! So let me catch you up…

See, school is going to end soon, on the twelfth. But I really haven’t felt like going. I don’t really know what to blame it on.. maybe i’m just lazy. Whatever. I ended up skipping my finals because I kind of just don’t care anymore. I thought I would be going to summer school, but surprisingly I just barely passed despite skipping almost half the year. Miracles do exist, I guess.

AJ already finished his school year last month. Lucky. We still talk and play video games together. Oh! Recently (about three or four days ago) my friends finally convinced me to re-download ROBLOX since they’re all playing it. I actually did miss it and have been playing it non-stop. You guys should totally add me there!!! (@iicqrlqii)

Today was a wreck… So, like I mentioned earlier, school is ending in two (pretty much tomorrow since Thursday is a carnival so it doesn’t really count.) days. But I feel like there’s nothing to even do. It’s the end of the year, there’s nothing left, so why bother?? I decided to skip as usual, hiding in my closet beneath a blanket and waiting for my dad to leave. Little did I know, this would backfire horribly. Ummm… he did find me. He was pissed. And he pretty much sent me to school. His only defense is that “school is important” and he “wants me to go until the year is completely over”. Dude, fuck you. It’s literally not this serious. He’s acting like I just missed my graduation or something. It’s really not that deep but whatever. 

And by the way, I’m not at school. I packed up my laptop, my phone and headphones, my tablet and charger and headed straight for McDonalds where i’m writing this now. I doubt he’ll check in with the school, since he doesn’t even have their number (blocked it from his phone), so I should be good. The only shitty part is i’ll have to come home eventually and face him again. He might take my phone away, or ban me from hanging out with my friends, but I don’t really gaf. I’m still going to do it. He can’t stop me. And he’ll probably forget in a week or two anyway. 

My plan for the rest of the day is wait here until twelve then head to my local library and spend the rest of my day there until three, where i’ll go home and deal with his ass again. And he probably won’t let me pull this off again, so i’ll just go the last day and then leave and be done with this year. Woo.

To tell you guys the truth, I don’t know if I can continue the blog during summer. Not because I don’t want to, but because I’ve kinda been writing this whole thing (including the website) on my school chromebook, under my school account… and I’m pretty sure i’ll probably have to give the chromebook back to the school tomorrow. I do have a computer at home, but it’s an ancient ass Windows 10 model, and it’s incredibly slow, so I doubt i’ll get anything done on there. My tablet for some reason can’t handle google docs or sites, so that’s a no… and forget my phone. This might be it, guys… Gee. Uhhhh… gosh, am I supposed to have a speech prepared or something? I’ll write something heartfelt at the end of today’s entry. 

Let’s change the subject so I can catch you guys up on some past events. I spent Memorial day weekend celebrating two of my friend’s birthdays. I went with my friend Max to a music festival in Belmont, then we went to Reckless Records which is probably the biggest record store I’ve ever seen. I got a Laufey CD!!! Unfortunately, my CD player broke and i’m hoping i’ll get a new one soon… Anyway, the next day I hung out with my amazing friendgroup, Zubeyda, Ashley and Nick to celebrate Nick’s birthday early, which coincidentally landed on the same day as Max’s (May 29)!! We made slime, went to Gamestop/Target, played blind hide-and-seek, went to the park and had a deep conversation, then headed back home. The day went downhill though when we ran into this guy that Nick seemed to know. I think his name was Craig or something, but long story short, he insulted Zubeyda (keep in mind this is the first time they’ve met) and made her cry. I still kind of hate Craig for that. Genuinely praying on his downfall. 

On a separate note, guess who finished John Dies at the End???? Mhm!! I was going to write an entry about this earlier but as i mentioned previously, was too lazy. Anyway. God. What is there to say about this book? It left me staring at the wall for a good 30 mins after I finished it. I can’t even give you a full synopsis of this because I’d be rambling forever. Uhhhh… think of like, Ghostbusters on an acid trip. It’s not entirely like that, but that’s the best I can come up with. Honestly, JDatE has earned a special spot in my heart as my new favorite book (alongside Speak, of course.). If you’re into really weird, crazy books that throw random curveballs at you and give off a weird but funny kind of depressed humor, then totally read John Dies at the End. It’s amazing. Weird and fucked up? Yeah. But still amazing nonetheless. I’m begging AJ to get me the next book in the sequel for sure. Oh, did I mention there was a movie too? It’s not as great as the book but it’s funny and cheap and it’s like one of those low quality, really cheap movies that deserves it’s spot on Tubi, but was entertaining to watch anyway.

Also, on Memorial Day weekend, I saw Final Destination: Bloodlines with my mom. It was a really good movie, and surprisingly I didn’t flinch considering how much I do during horror movies. I did have a really awful nightmare a few days later which was really gory and had me crying right after I woke up… I hope that isn’t connected. 

I’m super excited for summer. My birthday is coming up, On July 10! I’ll be 6teen! Whoaa!!! I kind of wanted a big party, but my parents don’t have enough money, so ig not.. It’s okay though. As long as I get some kind of acknowledgement on that day, i’ll be happy. I’m also planning on going to see Tyler, The Creator in concert w/ Kai soon!!! And i’ll also be seeing him on the first day at Lollapalooza!!! AAAAA ILY TYLERRR <333 I also can’t wait to celebrate my friend’s birthdays, like Lemon’s, and hanging out with them all summer. I’m hoping my parents will get me my own laptop this summer so I can finally manage this blog and other stuff on my own device. Judging by how angry my dad was earlier, though, maybe he won’t get it for me… oh well.

Anyway, I’ll probably take some time to myself for now. I still have an hour and twenty minutes until the library opens. I’ll probably doomscroll twitter and update the site.

Talk 2 u all l8r!

Chapter Thirty-One (5/11)

\HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!! I hope everyone’s having a fantabulous day, also I LOVE U MOM!!

So, Friday my wonderful mother picked me up for early dismissal and for the first time in my life I got acrylic nails!! They’re black with a pink glitter pattern in an almond shape!! The glitter changes color in the sunlight which is rly cute too. 

I released the first entry/chapter of Echoes of the Ward, so I hope you guys all enjoy that. I’m a little worried about the graphic upcoming chapters, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Oh, also the site is updated and running, so check it out!

Ughhhh, I think i might be getting sick. My throat is scratchy and i’m sneezing like crazy. I guess I should look on the bright side, i probably won’t be going to school. YAY!!

Chapter Thirty (5/9)

Hey there!! Life has been okay. I haven’t been able to talk w AJ as often as I used to. His parents found something in his room and they’ve just hated him ever since, and his dad is thinking of cutting off all contact with me. I hope things get better, I miss him so much. 

Max’s birthday is exactly 20 days from now. He invited me to go hiking with him, so I said sure. I hung out at his dad’s place last weekend. His dad was super nice and his sister was really sweet. They invited me to dinner at this bratwurst place called Wurst Behavior, and it was REALLY GOOD. I got to meet some of his dad’s friends which were all friendly and got along with me well. 

Back on the birthday topic, I’m not really sure what to get Max. We’ve been friends for almost a year now and I don’t really know what he likes. I’m thinking of getting him a record since his dad told me he likes those. Maybe money? Yeah, i’m not great at presents.

Also, (changing the subject) I have an opp now? There’s this gay kid in my Algebra class that’s talking shit about me all because a couple months ago I made a joke calling him schizophrenic (ironically) and even though right after I said it, I clarified I was joking, I guess he took it seriously and got all mad. I don’t really think it’s that serious, but what I’m most confused about is why he didn’t tell me first if he had such a problem with it. I would’ve apologized way earlier and things would be fine. ts pmo. He also sent me a snap today after leaving me on delivered for like two days. I haven’t checked it yet but I probably will l8r.

BTW THE SITE IS BACK UP!! I haven’t updated it, but I definitely will soon.

❋ ❋ ❋

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT THE FUCKKK!!!! So i’m sitting in lunch, right? And i’m with my regular lunch group, Laniya, Zubeyda, Eric, Ashley, Ariana, and Nick, and out of nowhere Niya’s like, “Hey we should play this game called My Femboy Roomate!” And i’m like, ‘wtf?’ but somehow she convinces me that it won’t be bad and against my better judgement, I give her my chromebook. Yeah, that was a stupid idea. Um, that game is definitely for gooners. There were so, so many NSFW jumpscares I literally had to keep my chromebook half closed with the brightness turned down.

“But why didn’t you just stop playing?” you’re probably wondering. I wanted to. Trust me, I wanted so badly to slam the thing shut and keep it locked like that forever, but everytime I said “okay, that’s enough,” my friends whined and begged me not to. We ended up playing for the whole lunch period and once I finally felt like all my dignity and reputation was erased, I closed the laptop and felt pure shame. Like, I felt like I needed to take multiple showers and reconnect with God and nature after that. Never again will I go to that god-forbidden site.

Anyway, that’s all for now! As always, thanks for tuning in and I hope you have a good day/night! ALSO HAPPY THIRTIETH ENTRY GUYS! LUV U!!

Chapter Twenty-Nine  ⚠ (4/30)

Um, hi again! A lot (seriously, a shit ton) has happened to me in the last ten days. Basically, around two weeks ago, on Thursday, I wasn’t (and haven’t) been in the best headspace and did something I shouldn’t have (again). I skipped school as I have before because I dreaded it as always. Long story short, my parents found out and I got into this huge argument with my mom. Listen, I understand I was in the wrong. I shouldn’t have skipped, but I was going through a lot at the time. I think I may have mentioned it b4, but I do have depression and anxiety (no i’m not an attention seeker), and school was already overwhelming me with all the missed assignments, not to mention the fact that people for some reason don’t fw me. It was kind of a vicious cycle. Thoughts of people hating me led to me missing school, which led to me falling behind, and the more I fell behind the more urgent it became that I went back, only for me to come back to thoughts in my head that were telling me that the world wanted me gone. Anyway, after the argument I reached a low and thought, “Well fuck, I give up.” So I attempted suicide. Was it my best idea? No, but I was desperate to find some sort of escape to this loop that was my life. After my first try, which failed, I felt bad. I decided to stop and I went to bed.

The next day, it was in the middle of my first period, Art, when the school social worker, Ms. Westerburg came in and wanted to talk to me. She didn’t know anything, so this was all purely coincidental. She took me to her office, which was relaxing, I think I mentioned it in my last entry, and she offered me food and snacks and stuff. I’m not going to lie, if she was planning to get information out of me, she did really well. I ended up telling her everything. She took me through the regular suicide questioning procedure, asked me a bunch of questions about last night, y’know. Then she brought in a social services worker, who asked me even more questions, and then finally came to the conclusion that I should probably be evaluated. Now here’s where I misunderstood. I thought she meant evaluated as in, stay a night or two at the local emergency room. Turns out I was very wrong. Astronomically wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, they sent me to a mental hospital in Streamwood.

This brings me to my next point. Fuck, I can’t even begin to describe that place. SO much shit went down. I’m going to try and give you a brief summary…

My first couple days there, I was filled with rage, rage for my parents and the school sending me here, but over time, I opened up and learned to accept it. I made some friends, went to a lot of group therapy sessions, etc. I spent about.. like, 11 days there. I followed a schedule of going to bed at nine and waking up at seven, I ate bland breakfast, sat in a ‘dayroom’ with the other patients all day, watched tv, read, and had A LOT of time to reflect. 

I want to take this time to thank someone who stood by me through it all. My boyfriend, AJ. He was the only one who  made efforts to keep in contact. Of course, I can’t blame my other friends, they had no idea where I was, and I had no access to my phone to tell them. I just want to give a special thank you to you, AJ. For not giving up on me when it felt like the rest of the world did. Love you.

As I was saying, during my eleven days at the hospital, I got a journal to write in. I would like to start a mini series, sharing an entry from the journal every day. I’ll figure out what to name it soon, but I just wanted to give the heads up. Also, I think I should probably mention it, but there probably will be some heavy topics that could possibly be triggering. Hey, a lot goes through a teenage girl’s head when she’s left alone with her thoughts for a week and a half! Sorry not sorry. I will mark those entries though, like I have here, though. From here on out, I’ll keep regularly updating the blog and working on a bug that’s on the site right now.

As always, thank you so much for tuning in and being here for my arrival from the hospital. I hope you have an amazing day/night, and never forget you matter. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! BUH BYEEEE!!!!

Chapter Twenty-Eight  ⚠ (4/17)

So last night was insane. Like, not in a great way… I got into an argument with my parents about school and when I went to my room, I just felt so overwhelmed. School honestly beings me misery, I can’t hide it anymore. The thought of going makes me so miserable and depressed. But if I don’t go, my grades won’t get any better, and i’ll probably lose all my friends. But i’m already losing them and nobody at school even seems to like me, so why go? It’s a vicious cycle, and last night, I was unfortunately prepared to end my life. I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me. I tried to suffocate, but my body always fought against me for air, so that didn’t work out. My next idea was to either overdose or stab myself later that night, maybe write a note to my parents before I left. But alas, I couldn’t go through with it and went to bed that night as usual. 

The next day, today, I only made it through my first class, art, before the social worker at my school, Ms. Westerburg came in for me and took me to her office. She’s a sweet lady. She has tons of fidgets and fun little gadgets in her room, and she gave me a donut and offered me snacks. She questioned me on how I was doing and I kinda gave in and told her about last night. She called some social service person that came in to talk to me earlier and labeled me as ‘high risk’, she also thinks that i’m not safe to be alone, so her verdict was to hospitalize me and now we’re waiting on a call from the social service place about a hospital room I could stay in. So far, I’ve just been in this social room the whole day.

Being here isn’t so bad. Ms. Westerburg’s room is very nice and calming. She went to two fifteen-minute meetings, where someone else had to come in and watch me. I met another social worker who was a very obvious millennial. She laughed so hard about every little thing, and her jokes kinda didn’t make sense but I pretended to laugh anyway. I also met the dean, Mr. Walker. He’s a really funny guy for someone who’s supposed to be strict and scary about discipline. Right now, I just got moved to an office while Ms. Westerburg is in her third meeting of the day. It’s small, clean, in one of the very back hallways of the school that i’ve been to. I’m with the third of the three social workers, Ms. Monnelly. It’s a little chilly in here, but still comfortable.

Earlier in the day, Ms. W gave me some lego-like set that she got from Japan, and I made a little Kuromi! She even let me keep it!!

My mom should be driving here soon. I hope she’s not too worried. Who am I kidding? She’s probably super worried. I feel really bad. I hope my dad doesn’t find out about all this. He’s not very empathetic about depression and mental health and stuff..

I miss AJ so much. We were talking earlier and he was really worried about me. He and I are starting to think that when we’re apart from each other, I get a little bit worse mentally. I hope he’s doing good, though. Miss you tons, love.

I’ll keep you guys updated on what happens next. Earlier this morning, mom stopped by the school and dropped off some 504 forms. One of them is permission for me to stay in my school but do online classes instead. I’m praying they go through with it soon, I can’t wait to leave this place…

Chapter Twenty-Seven (4/15)

So here I am, 9PM video calling with the love of my life, Best Part by Daniel Caesar ft. H.E.R playing in the background. I catch him looking at me from time to time, and I won’t tell him, but it gives me butterflies. I worry about boring him with my lack of conversation, but he seems okay. 

Last weekend, I went to Champaigne Urbana for the first time for Chonk’s vet check-up. She has some kind of ugly lump growing on her eyelid and we’re hoping she can get surgery. Anyway, there was such a huge difference over there than in Chicago. We ended up staying at a hotel that looked like it was somewhere in the countryside? It was very quiet, and actually really warm. On our first day, my mom and I got a recommendation from the veterinarian to check out this AMAZING place called “Tasty Tarts”, which was the sweetest little cafe that served the most delicious, hand made, freshest tarts ever. I got the hazelnut chocolate and cookies n’ cream tart with a cappuccino while my mom got the lemon and pecan tarts with an ice coffee. These were sooo cute, and the whole atmosphere was very comfy. We saved the lemon tart for Chonk, who was in the car, and she loved it. We also made a stop at starbucks and got her a pup cup since she wasn’t eating much.

My favorite part of the trip was when I got to walk Chonk outside. Right by the hotel, there was this huge field with green grass and these pretty white trees that I call ‘Vanilla Trees’. Walking through the field brought me such a sense of peace. To be away from the city and my life felt so relaxing and euphoric in a way I can’t explain. I felt like I could die here and be happy, my soul wandering through the endless field of green grass and taking shade beneath the vanilla trees. We also saw gophers for the 

first time. They had their own little burrows in the ground, and occasionally you’d see one pop their head out. I did a bunch of other stuff, by other stuff I mean try tons of foods at restaurants I haven’t heard of. We went to this millennial burger place which was filled to the brim with people. Their food was actually good though. For dessert I had some of my favorite ice cream, peanut butter and chocolate from dunkin and we got a little breakfast sandwich for Chonk. The next day I tried Denny’s for the first time, which was pretty much like IHOP. Their choconana pancakes were really tasty though! I’d give the whole experience a 10/10.

P.S. - if you ever find yourself in a field to frolic through, listen to “letter to future you” by AZALI. 

That’s all I have for now! As always, thanks for stopping by and I hope you have an awesome day/night!! Love youuuu!!

Chapter Twenty-Four ⚠ (3/30)

I definitely meant 2 update this way earlier, so i’m incredibly sry 4 being so inactive these past few days. A lot has been happening to me these past few days and I couldn’t find the time to work on this blog :( Here’s what went down.

Firstly, two days ago on Thursday, I was able to meet up with one of my good friends, Max, and we got to catch up while visiting my all time favorite area, Lincoln Square. We visited music stores, ate some burger king, shopped a little, it was really fun altogether. I really wanted to go to his house, but my dad wouldn’t let me. I understand why, but not every guy is going to assault me…

Anyway, I suppose this entry is also a farewell to my last love, who I won’t name because he might see this and we’re still friends, so it might get awkward. Here goes..

Dear R.H.M,

I will admit, when I first saw you, something struck me that I couldn’t explain, we’d never spoken, and I don’t know how, but I fell in love with you from that day onward. I was so incredibly happy when I found out we took the same bus to work, and even happier on the day that you spoke to me, even to just check in. I always wished that maybe you’d see something in me like I, you. I hoped every night that one day you’d look my way, and feel that thrum in your heart as I did. Though, the more we spent time together, going places and talking, laughing, I realized that I was wrong. 

I always tried to defend you when my friends asked why you never reached

out, or when you’d go such long periods of time without speaking to me, in hopes that maybe it was other forces keeping you from me, and not just you willingly. I know now that it wasn’t really your fault, you had other things going on, and I also understand now that it’s clear my feelings weren’t reciprocated. At first I didn’t want to believe it, but when we talked together at that table, I looked in your eyes and I didn’t see what I was looking for in them. I didn’t see the admiration or nervousness or anything. And I finally see now that we weren’t meant to be.

I also realized that I finally found love in someone else, and I was holding back on them because of what I thought I had with you. Surprisingly, I don’t feel as torn apart as I thought I’d be. And for that, I’d like to thank you. You opened my eyes that day, and showed me reality. It was a pleasure working with you last year, and I am forever grateful to you for giving me the motivation those days to show up for work and to be my best, cheery self. I know now that we’re better off as friends, and you still bring me as much joy as you did the first time we spoke. There’s a slim chance that you’ll see this, and you might not even care, but that’s okay. For what it counts, thank you for always brightening up my day and giving me the support and courage to face my depression. I wish you nothing but the best for the future, and it’s my pleasure to be your friend.

I was listening to Selena Quintanilla the other day, and her song No Me Queda Mas made me think of you. So in her words, goodbye, and goodluck:

Yo tenía una esperanza en el fondo de mi alma

Que un día te quedaras tú conmigo

Y aún guardaba una ilusión que alimentaba el corazón

Mi corazón que hoy tiene que verte como solo amigo

Y aunque viví enamorada y totalmente equivocada

No me importa

Porque esto sí fue amor

Por mi parte, lo más lindo, el más grande amor

Y aunque siempre lo renuncies, para mí

Fue lo más bello

Bestest Wishes,

Carla J.

In other words, onto the not-so-great news. Recently, school has been making me miserable. Like honestly, I absolutely find no joy in going there. I hate to say it, but I’ve been pretty much skipping classes, and recently skipping school entirely. I don’t check my grades because I really don’t want to face the consequences of my actions. On Friday, my dad got a text from the school reminding him about parent-teacher conferences coming up, and that they’d like to discuss my failing classes. My parents called me over for a ‘family meeting’ and apparently he promised my mom he wouldn’t yell, but when I sat down he stared at me with such disdain, and absolutely exploded. He screamed and yelled and shamed me. In a way, I get what he was trying to say, I know failing is bad, but there were words and names he called me that felt so wrong, and they hurt me deeply. I cried and felt like such a failure, I thought to myself, “how could I let it get this bad?” And the second they dismissed me I went straight to the kitchen and grabbed something I shouldn’t have.

For some context, the truth is I’ve been struggling with depression all my life. It started when I was around eight or so when my dad began to act more aggressive toward me for reasons I didn’t understand. It came in waves throughout my life, and at first I didn’t understand it. As a kid, I couldn’t figure out why I felt so down even in the happiest moments. I just knew I didn’t want to exist in the world anymore. Recently, I’ve been having much more trouble with how stressful school is. I haven’t told any of my close friends, but I hear voices. Like, voices that sound like me telling me to hurt myself and that nobody likes me. Usually I tune them out, but they never stop.

Back to my current story, I guess the mix of stress, guilt, and the mental state I was in, I grabbed a blade [TRIGGER WARNING] and s/h for the first time in my life. I have no idea what the hell was wrong with me in that moment, but I just felt like a failure and the voices were taunting me the whole time… once I was finished, I just felt really bad about myself and everything. I felt even worse because just seconds before I did it, I called my best friend and he begged me not to do it, and I feel like i’ve betrayed him too. Unfortunately, the nightmare didn’t end there.

The next morning I awoke to yelling, my mom pleading with my dad not to barge into my room angrily, and she was sobbing too. He forced her to wake me for another “family meeting” and this time he was more pissed off. That’s when I told him about the cutting, and in a way, he still didn’t really get it. He just said “Fine, if you two think I’m such a bad person, I want both of you out of here by next week.” Yes, he kicked us out of the apartment. All because I finally came clean that he was the reason I felt depressed and suicidal. My mom left the next day to get boxes for me to put all my stuff in, and I couldn’t believe the house I was living in for the last 15 years was no longer mine. 

Later that day, he sat me down and gave me a three-hour long talk about how mom had explained everything about the depression to him and now he said he feels bad because I didn’t tell him sooner. I kinda wanted to say the reason I didn’t tell him before was because he doesn’t even really believe in depression, but I stayed silent. In the end, he kinda sorta apologized and said he’d try to change (again) and that if I wanted to stay, I could. I don’t know what to do anymore. This isn’t the first time he promised me he’d change, and it feels like he’s blaming me for being upset and distant with him. Mom told me that I should give him two weeks to see if he really changes before I make my final decision leaving. This whole situation is stressing me out, but for now i’m going to try and keep hope that things get better.

As always, thank you for visiting the blog and listening to me ramble. I hope you have an amazing day/night! And always remember you’re loved 

Chapter Twenty-Three (3/22)

It’s my first day of Spring Break! It’s been pretty quiet but I do enjoy the peacefulness. My best friend is at his Grandpa’s house, so i’ve been keeping myself busy. I cleaned my whole room today, even swept and mopped the floors! Yeah, heh, i’m pretty proud of myself. I’ve also been listening to music the whole day. Right now my Spotify DJ is playing Freaking Out the Neighborhood by Mac Demarco. I also did some online shopping, which is nice because i’m addicted to spending money (not great, ik.)

Oh, yesterday was my mom’s birthday! We went to this really nice restaurant in my favorite place ever, Lincoln Square! It was this Greek place that my parents took me to for my 13th birthday, called Barba Yianni (pronounced yan-ni (i think..)). I’ve rarely gone there but the atmosphere looks so fancy and nice I think it could be considered a fancy restaurant. I got to try octopus for the first time which was amazing. I also had steak, which was just as delicious. Now that I think about it, I cant really remember the last time I ate steak though.. I wanna say maybe 7-8 years ago? Wow, it’s been a long time. 

I think I might meet up w the guy I like soon, I can’t really name drop because he does know about my blog and if he sees this he’ll for sure know its him, and that would be a really embarrassing way for him to find out I like him. So yeah, hopefully we can connect a little more during our meetup, and maybe work our way up to a real relationship.. 

On a separate note, I might go on a family road trip soon! My dog, Chonk has an eye infection of sorts and needs a surgery, So we’re going to an animal hospital in Champaign-Urbana to get her fixed up. I’ve never heard of that place until a few weeks ago but from what mom has told me, it’s supposed to be a really nice city. The best part? The whole family is going, including my dogs! Yep, Duke gets to tag along and have his very first vacation!! We’re planning on staying at a pet-friendly hotel for a little to see the city, but there’s definitely a lot of planning that has to be done before we let Duke and Chonk get involved in an area w/ other dogs and people (if you recall Chapter Fifteen).. I’m not sure when we’re supposed to be leaving, but I hope it’s around the time spring break ends so I don’t have 2 go 2 school.

That’s all 4 now! Thanks for checking in, I hope you have a gr8 rest of your day/night! ilyy 

Chapter Twenty-Two (3/17)

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! I hope everyone’s day is going well so far. This week has been super rough for me honestly. I haven’t checked, but i’m pretty sure i’m failing all my classes, I’ve been feeling just miserable during school, and even being at home is rough because I have to put up with my dad’s temper. 

This weekend also kind of sucked. Genesis invited me to her school “Teen Literature Festival” which was okay. It was mostly just a panel of authors yapping about their books for two hours and 45 minutes. Don’t get me wrong, I love reading, I’m in the middle of 1984 (George Orwell) right now, but in my opinion, the books weren’t all that interesting. The only one I got was “Ex Marks the Spot” by Gloria Chao (she was super sweet on the panel) because it’s a little different from the books I usually read. According to Chao, it’s a ‘rivals-to-lovers’ story with puzzles that takes place in Taiwan which I thought was really interesting. I usually don’t read books about romance because I find them too cheesy, but I guess trying new things isn’t that bad… plus, I’ve never read a mystery/treasure hunt themed book before. The whole book just seems new altogether, so I am kind of excited to read it once I’m done with 1984. All & all, the festival experience was a 7.5/10. Fun, just a little dull in my opinion. It was really nice seeing you though, Gen. (Also her birthday is TOMORROW, hbd my soul sigma!! )

Changing the subject, my mood was quickly soured right after that event because I found out one of my ‘friends’ apparently had her 15th birthday party and invited the whole friend group except me. I wouldn’t say i’m angry, just really hurt and confused. I thought we had a pretty good relationship, nothing bad has ever happened between us… I guess we’re not as close as I thought. I’m just confused now because I don’t know if she hates me or not now, and if so, why? Friendships are sooooo complicated.

Speaking of complicated, I think it was.. last Friday, maybe, when I met someone online. So i’m on Spacehey, making my profile pretty, when I get a notification, a friend request (2 b exact ☝🤓) from another account. And as always, I accept it because I like making new friends. They were really nice, and we spoke about music. I told them about my obsession with Tyler, The Creator’s music and that’s when they introduced me to MF DOOM. I’ve heard of DOOM before, but when they put me on to MM.. FOOD for the first time, it was like my little mind was blown, like someone just opened my eyes for the first time. It was really good. They knew a LOT about music, telling me things like how MF DOOM inspired a lot of things Tyler did w/ his music, he even sampled one of DOOM’s songs for his music (not sure which one though..). AND, I just learned from them (Don’t laugh) that MF DOOM is MM FOOD but liked, mixed!! I didn’t know that before. I know Tyler has done that though with Wolf Gang, Golf Wang, Flog Gnaw. That itself just shows how inspired he was by DOOM. That’s really cool imo. Everything was going good until I took a closer look at their profile though. I don’t really want to say it because they’ve been so nice with me but in short terms, they believe in some stuff that according to everyone I know, is bad. And I’m not sure what to do because they’ve been so chill and fun to talk to, and haven’t forced anything bad on me, but on the other hand, people like AJ and my mom have told me that the things they believe in are really bad. Usually, I don’t care about background information like that, as long as the person is nice, they’re okay in my book. But what if the person is nice but indirectly believes in something that apparently hurts other people..? What then? If you feel like something seems okay, but the rest of the world is against it, who’s side do you take?? This is why I feel like AJ needs to keep an eye on me like 24/7. When he’s gone, I get myself into messes that I can’t get out of. :(

Anyway, I didn’t mean to yap that much but if you made it all the way here, thank you so so much 4 your time, it means a lot to me. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day/night! Luv u all!! 

Chapter Twenty-One (3/10)

Nothing too interesting has been happening recently. I’ve mostly been just talking to AJ nonstop. He’s been such a great friend to me and I feel really lucky to have him around. I do kind of worry though, what if he ever gets tired of me? What if I run out of things to say and he deems me ‘not worth it’ anymore? I’ve always had a problem with getting too attached to my friends and I’m worried about that happening now. I want to have a close relationship with him because I think we click together so well, but he might not be ready for something like that. He might not feel the same way. I don’t know who to even go to about this because he pretty much has the same socials as I do. He even checks this blog. I want to be my true self and be as open as possible with him, but everyone knows putting all your eggs in one basket is never a good idea. 

I’ve also kind of… like, noticed I feel a little tiny bit jealous when he mentions another one of my friends which I won’t name because I think she could see this entry. I don’t want to be controlling, like I said before, he’s totally allowed to be friends with whoever, I just think maybe I’m worried he’ll replace me.

We’ve been doing all kinds of stuff together, we recently pulled an all nighter (on call) to see who falls asleep first (I did @6AM), we sleep on call every night, we talk about random stuff for hours, he joined me in watching a sex ed video I had to do for an edpuzzle for health class (not a fun experience..) And this spring break, we’re planning to finally go see each other at a restaurant with our moms because they don’t know each other yet. And that’s only the start for our actual plan to convince his mom to let him go to a Tyler, The Creator concert with me in July.

When he’s sleeping on call, sometimes I wake up and just think about how happy things are right now. But I’ve learned from past experiences that when you become relaxed, put your guard down, you’re suddenly vulnerable to bad things happening. I’m worried if I get too attached, too comfortable, he could suddenly leave and I’d just be left crushed. :( He’s a good person. Funny, smart, a good listener, kind… I feel selfish when my mind starts being jealous or thinking of wanting to keep him to myself. I say that I don’t care, that he can talk with whoever he wants, which is mostly true, but deep down I panic a little if someone else enters the picture because my insecurity tells me its only a matter of time before he moves on. Ughhhhh, how do I stop thinking this way?? I don’t want to live like this. (AJ if you see this please don’t bring it up in any of our conversations.)

Chapter Twenty (3/5)

(Based on the tiktok trend)

I met my younger self for coffee today. She always liked, no, loved coffee. Dad gave it to her as an infant despite the precautions and she grew up addicted to it, in a good way. It wasn’t hard to notice her when she walked in, she had the brightest smile on her face and always knew how to light up a room. She had these black leggings with a random t-shirt with some childish design on it. Her hair was incredibly frizzy too, but it didn’t seem to faze her. I looked down at her with a light, quiet gaze as I sipped from my cup, and she asked me all sorts of questions about who we’ve become.

“Are we any closer to being a veterinarian?” she asked.

“Ehm.. Not really. I’m not sure I want to do that.” I responded softly, a little embarrassed. 

“What? Why not? We love animals!”

“I know, we still do… but it doesn’t spark a passion anymore, Carla.”

“Well, what does?”

“Uhm, theatre. But Dad thinks it’s better to go for web design and programming.”

I laughed a little when she called me a nerd. I was trying to hide it, but I think she could tell I was unhappy deep down. I asked about her family, how they were doing. She said it’s been good, but dad’s been more.. irritable lately. Sometimes she feels sad, she says. I could tell she was holding out on me, but I didn’t press any further.

We talked for what felt like hours about the things we liked, how school is going, our favorite animals, etc. She loved simple things like Pusheen and playing Roblox, spending her summer days drawing chalk art on the pavement. I told her about my hobbies in journaling and poetry.

“...Does it ever get any better?” she asked me out of the blue.

I paused and looked down. How could I tell her? How could I tell her the cruel reality of what I was going through without scaring her and breaking her little heart?

“That’s a good question. It.. does. But a lot of times you’ll feel it doesn’t. And that you’ll want to give up completely. But there will always be something to give you reason to keep trying, don’t forget that.”

I don’t think she understood me completely, but that was okay, she was just a kid after all. She always believed the glass was half full, that the world had more color than it actually did. She didn’t want to believe that the person sitting just across from her was the complete opposite somehow.

Eventually our time came to an end and we both had to get going, back into the normal flow of our lives. I gave her one big, long hug and told her to always remember she’s loved and that she matters. I knew she’d forget all about it in a couple years, but that was the only comfort i could give her. The only armor I could send her off with before she faced the harsh world that would turn her into me someday. And then I stepped away and wished her well.

She smiled and said goodbye cheerfully before I watched her head out of the cafe and to a man just across the street, walking out of a liquor store. She hugged him and smiled with so much love, and all I could do was stare with tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn’t look at my father, not now and not ever. I knew that I was sending her away with the very weapon that would shatter her over and over the older she got. But my fate was no longer in my hands, so I turned around, wiped away my tears, and walked the other way, knowing the coffee was always as bitter and strong on my tongue as it was when I was a child.

Chapter Nineteen (3/3)

Hiiiii!! I’ve been trying to think of something interesting to put in here for a while now. Everytime I think i’ve found something to talk about, I end up erasing it because I’m unsure… But something did happen yesterday!

So, I was at the laundromat with my mom (we wash clothes every Sunday) and after we set the clothes in the washer I headed back out to the parking lot because I absolutely hate being in the laundromat, it’s always so crowded and I feel like everyone is staring and judging me… anyway, I usually just look at my phone while my mom stays inside and puts the clothes in the dryer when they’re done washing. When they come out of the dryer, she’ll call me and I get out of the car and back into the building where I help her fold so we can leave. This time, though, I spent my time in the car calling AJ and talking with him while he played video games. See, because of that, I got distracted and forgot about the fact that earlier my mom gave me the car keys to get inside and turn on the heater so I wouldn’t freeze. When she called me about an hour later to go back inside the laundromat to help her fold, I simply said goodbye to AJ and walked out, locking the door behind me and barely remembering that I left the keys behind. It wasn’t until like, a quarter way through folding she asked me if I had them and then freaked out when I said no. Then she went out to the car to check, and exactly as I said, they were now locked inside. She got really stressed and called my dad, they had some kind of argument and I felt really bad about the whole thing because it basically was my fault, but I didn’t mean to do it. I just got carried away talking. Mom thought of calling a locksmith to open the door, but that would’ve cost so much money and it was like 6:45 PM, so it was getting late. For some reason, my father didn’t want to come over to help us despite the fact that we have like two backup cars that he doesn’t use. So my mom’s next best idea was to send me on an Uber to my apartment, pick up my dad’s spare car keys, then go all the way back to the parking lot to open the door. The uber didn’t take too long, and he was quiet. The whole time though, I could feel the knot in my stomach getting tighter. I knew she told my father that I left the keys locked inside, and I knew she also told him that she got an Uber for me to go pick up his keys, so that probably meant he was going to be pissed at me for ‘wasting time and money.’ For some reason, he’s incredibly serious about money even though he doesn’t pay for shit? Like, my mom pays most of the bills, she pays for all the medical bills, the rent, yet when she wants to use her money to go shopping or buy something for herself or me, he gets all upset that we’re “wasting his money”. Like, dawg wtf??

Anyway, after about half an hour of driving, I made it home and went up to the door, ringing the bell and waiting for him to open. When he did, though, he looked at me with… just pure hatred. Like he wanted to cuss me out and slam the door in my face all at once. He didn’t even say anything. He just stared at me with that awful look. And I didn’t really know what to say, I just grabbed the keys and left. I got back in the Uber and after another 30 minute drive I finally got back to my mom. She forgave me already, told me she couldn’t stay mad at me after I apologized. She shoved all the clothes into our laundry bags because she was too stressed to fold and then I helped her load them all into the trunk. And then we drove back to the apartment for the second time. I was super exhausted by the time we got back again, and dad didn’t even look or say a word to me, so I guess that’s a good thing. I’d rather that than him giving me the third degree… 

Honestly, I think the way we live is stupid. My life is basically just living under a dictator. It’s stupid how my mom and I have to walk on eggshells around him because she’s scared of starting a fight with him, or making him upset over the smallest thing. I think one of my biggest fears is ending up the way she did: Finding someone who’s sweet, funny, who looks all perfect and romantic, marrying them, only for them to grow into this awful, controlling, abusive person that you can’t seem to get away from because they’ve already manipulated you too much for you to feel the strength to leave. 

I’m not really sure how 2 end this entry…

Chapter Eighteen (2/22)

Another rainy day. Any day without the sun always makes me feel sad for some reason. It also makes me feel.. kind of empty. Bored. Like I could be up to something, but for some reason i’m not. And on top of that, everyone I seem to know is doing something fun. One of my friends is going to Dave N’ Busters (never been there), and the other is going to some play. Ughhhhhh i’m so bored!! I feel a little stressed too… I have to go back to school this week and I already know a shitload of work is going to be waiting for me.. 

Also, I noticed that one of my spacehey friends keeps making bulletins on her status w/ this guy i think she likes?? I dunno, she keeps yapping and yapping and yapping. How are people finding love?? Why can’t I do that? Sometimes I wonder/imagine that maybe someone out there likes me and thinks about me often. Like, what if they’re wondering why I haven’t been going to school? What if they get butterflies when I walk by? I know that it’s probably not true at all, but it feels nice to imagine. Seriously though, where do you find love? How pretty do you have to be? How confident? I know every guy at my school pretty much always goes for looks, so personality isn’t really in the question. How do girls like that do it? Do they know that they can get anyone they want? Does being prettier really make your life better? I think i’m spiraling. I wish someone liked me. I wish I liked someone.

I’ve been thinking about myself lately, as a person. I think a really bad problem I have is being jealous, like being insecure. I always worry that my friends are going to replace me with someone else, someone better. So I try to always keep them close. I must confess, one time, oh well, that day my school had the squid game event? (Visit chapter eleven (1/24) for context) I was with my friend, Michelle, and we were planning to form an alliance together during the game. So, before it started, while we were roaming the halls, looking for the gym the game was supposed to take place in, she asked me to hold her phone while she put some things in her bookbag. And for fun, I decided to open her phone and look at it. (She didn’t mind, we’re close friends.) And there I.. uh, well I saw she was getting notifications from someone named ‘Karla’.

“Ehm, Michelle?” I asked.

“Yeah?” She responds without looking up at me.

“Hey, who’s Karla? They’re on your phone.”

“Oh, that’s my friend. She’s in one of my classes.”

“oh.. okay.” I said. I don’t mind nor care that Michelle had other friends. She’s obviously allowed that. What caught my attention, though, was the fact that the messages Karla was sending were being spammed in all caps, reading, “MICHELLE I CANT FIND THE GYM,” “PLS CAN WE BE PARTNERS IN THE GAME” “MICHELLE PLEASE???” And I paused. In this moment, I wasn’t really thinking rationally, my brain kinda short-circuited and I guess in that second, all that it was thinking was, “hold on. Michelle is my partner today. I don’t want this girl joining or coming along with us. Nuh-uh.” and then next thing I know I’m clearing her notifications, silencing her messages, putting her phone on Do Not Disturb and quietly handing her phone back to her when she was finished doing whatever she was up to. Okay, listen, I KNOW that was wrong. I shouldn’t have gone through the messages, I shouldn’t have deleted the ones her friend sent, I shouldn’t have even been jealous in the first place. But that awful, dreadful feeling in your stomach when envy fills your brain and blinds your senses, I couldn’t take it. I rarely spend time with Michelle since we have very different schedules, and the thought of having to split my time with her with some girl, some other Carla.. it didn’t feel or sound very great. I was being selfish, I know. I just couldn’t help myself. I should’ve, but I didn’t. That’s kind of my problem. If I see an opportunity to keep the people I’m fond of close to me, I take it. I shouldn’t. But I do. Now hear me out, I swear when I say I don’t mind/care that my friends have other friends. That’s fine, I have other friends too, it’s normal. I know I can’t have them to myself all the time. But if i’m hanging out with them and they bring along someone I don’t know, or I start feeling excluded, I let my jealousy get the best of me, and I do dumb things like what I did with Michelle. I try to keep them from the other person because I’m just insecure deep down. Like I said earlier, I don’t want to be left out. I don’t want to sit by and watch them replace me with another person. I know it’s unhealthy thinking. I know that I should be able to trust my friends. But it feels worse if I sit there and do nothing, you know..? I don’t know why I can’t control my emotions. But I’m trying to change. To not be like that anymore. I hope Michelle doesn’t see this entry.. I also hope anyone reading this doesn’t hate me. 

The rain makes me feel all negative. Sucks. :/

Chapter Seventeen (2/20)

Helloooo!! I don’t really know what i’m doing here, ik it’s late but so many thoughts are racing through my head. For starters, I don’t think I can take highschool anymore. I’ve tried, i swear. I’ve been trying to survive, to force myself to get through the day and be happy but I can’t. I just can’t. I’m thinking about dropping out and taking online courses that I can do on my own time instead of being constantly overwhelmed with work that just keeps piling. I can’t take it. I love my “friends” but I think they and I both know that they’d be okay without me. I don’t want to keep waking up miserable, going to school all tired and chopped, failing another day of classes, to go home and have to do it all tomorrow. I can’t… take it anymore honestly. I’m a little worried if this will affect any job opportunities I want in the future, though. And someone out there might be asking “But what about the activities, clubs, dances, etc.??” Honestly… i’m prepared to give that up. Back in middle school, I had a tight friend group. Three girls who meant (and still mean) the world to me. And I was a “glass half full” kind of person back then. I loved going to dances, and being clubs and having fun. But nowadays, I rarely see any of them. And anyone who knows me in highschool knows that I’m extremely quiet and reserved. I feel like more of a “glass half empty” person now. Nobody is going to spend time with me at some stupid dance. Nobody in my school that ever knows me will ever care enough to want to spend time with me. That’s why they don’t call. That’s why they don’t message. And I’m through with it. I’d rather cry alone than in a dress in a gym. I hope my dad will be able to understand this…

On a separate note, I’ve been exploring this website by melonking which I can only describe as an Alice in Wonderland experience. This. This is inspiration. Melon is extremely talented and I absolutely adore their work. The soundtracks, the many cool things to explore. I think it might be endless. It’s beautiful, really. To visit somewhere digitally and for it to feel so serene. Things like this are why I love the internet. I wouldn’t say I’ve ever had a hyperfixation before, but I love that its this.  It makes me think about my origins. I would say this all started around.. A month or two ago? I’ve always loved websites that make you feel like you’ve stepped into another world (ik ik i’ve touched grass i promise) and one day I searched up some cool unique sites to explore. That led me to www.cameronsworld.net. It’s a project led by Cameron Askin which is essentially “a web-collage of text and images excavated from the buried neighbourhoods of archived GeoCities pages (1994–2009).” (Quoted directly from the site.) Now, some of you might be wondering “Carla what in the fuck is Geocities? ur an unc omfg” Well! GeoCities was a web-hosting service that made it possible for people to build their own home pages. During the 90s, users from all over the world created personalized corners of the Internet. (also quoted from the site..)

What intrigued me about Cameron’s world is how beautiful it all was. All these people made entire WEB PAGES about themselves, they expressed themselves and their personalities in these amazing websites and the fact that anyone could visit them?? Extraordinary. The crazy colorful text and images and links that led to even more corners of the internet?? I was losing my mind. So I searched up “sites like geocities” and guess what? That led me to Neocities! A chance to revive the old internet. And being on Neocities changed my life. People made these amazing, intricate pages with blogs and fun things, like a piece of their lives was being given to the internet. And I thought “hold on. I have a place where I talk about my life. Oh my gosh. I can make a blog. I can make a site.” and that led me to where we are now. Of course, i am nowhere near done. There are more and more things I always want to add to my website and to the blog. My newest upcoming project will be adding a tamanotchi (of course made by the one and only melon) to the blog/site for you guys to interact with! I also want to add things like poems I’ve written, a small thoughts page to just talk about some dumb things like now… yk dumb stuff that makes this place more lively. I want to leave an imprint on the internet too. For now, I kind of just want to thank anybody that’s right here. Right now. Reading this. Your time being spent listening to me is extremely appreciated. Without you, there would be no blog. No me, nothing. Thank you. That’s all for now, thanks 4 tuning in to my yap of the moment! luv ya <3 

(if you’re still here, my current mood is a song I recently found in another one of my website explorations. Listen to 17 Pink Sugar Elephants by Vashti Bunyan. You might like it, you might hate it but to me it feels like a soothing balm.) 

Chapter Sixteen (2/17)

It’s supr late rn (1AM) but I just wanted to get on here and rant again. Before I do, just wanted to mention it was AJ’s birthday two days ago, so happy belated birthday dude!!

Anyway, tiktok is just throwing post after post about love at me tonight. It’s making me all dreamy and lovey and crap. That happens to me often, actually. I’ve always and will always love ‘love’. That’s probably the topic for today’s entry. I love everything about it, honestly. The concept, the music, the affection, the feelings, everything. Stupid corny thing I do, but I like listening to any music about love and just daydreaming to it. Like, sitting in my room thinking about what it would be like to have someone like that. Sometimes, I actually do kinda get butterflies from songs. Right now, I have on Le carnaval des animaux, R. 125: XII. Fossiles by Camille Saint-Saëns (copy and paste that into a search bar ik its long (or search “The Carnival of the Animals”)). And it feels/sounds so pretty and beautiful and romantic at the same time. I’ve also had this earworm from a sound that’s kind of trending (at least for my fyp) on tiktok, it’s from a song called Would You Fall in Love with Me Again which from what I assume is maybe a musical of sorts? Or from a show/series? Not sure. The earworm comes in at around 3:47 into the song, PLEASE LISTEN TO THAT PART I AM SO IN LOVE WITH IT!! The way the lyrics are sung are full of so much emotion makes the song so beautiful to me. Like, i’m begging you, listen to that part (or the whole song) and read along with the lyrics. I’ll even put them up for you:

“I will fall in love with you over and over again

I don’t care how, where, or when

No matter how long it’s been, you’re mine

Don’t tell me you’re not the same person

You’re always my husband and I’ve been waiting, waiting

Waiting, waiting,

WAITING, WAITING, WAITINGGGGG, oh

For you”

And the instrumentals after that are PHENOMENAL. Also, yeah, I did want an excuse to put my favorite part of the song there. 

Maybe it’s just the fact that it’s February or that Valentine’s just swept by that’s making me feel this way, I don’t really know. It’s a sweet, painful feeling to be in love with the idea of love. You want it to be true, but you know it isn’t, yk? Anyway, I’m going back to my music daydreaming, and hopefully get some sleep. I don’t think I’ve told you all this, but I have been pretty sick (flu & strep @ the same time, eugh) so it’s best I get some rest. I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s (or birthday, if you’re like AJ) and whether you had a valentine or not, know that someone out there loves you. I do too! And if you’re like me at all, here’s my playlist 2 daydream 2! As always, thanks for tuning in, luv u guys! <33

Chapter Fifteen (2/6)

Hi again, everyone! Just wanted to rant again about stuff, yk. Yesterday, I finally was able to get one of the books i’ve been wanting to read, Tender Is the Flesh by Agustina Bazterrica, and 2day I just finished reading it. Dystopian novels are definitely my favorite kind of books, and this one did not dissapoint. The premise is pretty simple, a virus has made all animal meat lethal to humans, and so the government has made cannibalism legal. Though not in a “everyone-goes-batshit-crazy-and-eats-each-other” kind of way. Instead some people in this world are born as livestock. They’re treated like animals, have no ability to speak, and eventually get taken to a slaughterhouse where they’re murdered and cut up into consumable meat. I think this short sentence from the synopsis inside the book also sums it up really well, “The international Sensation about a dystopian world in which humans are being processed for food and Society is divided into predators and prey.” The book itself is definitely graphic, and describes in detail some gory, brutal scenes that happen. There’s also a ‘freaky’ scene that occurs, and a lot of implications of s3x which did catch me off guard a lot. And the plot twist at the end was also insane to me. I won’t spoil any of it here, but you should definitely read the book if you’re curious. I think the next book on my to-read list is 1984, because i’ve only heard good things about it, so i’ll keep you guys updated until then!

On a completely different note, little fact about myself, I live in Chicago. And I know everyone in Chicago had to face the craziest thing yesterday and this morning: black ice. And I don’t mean just some ice here and there, no, I am not kidding when I say everything, the sidewalk, the roads, the alleys, was COVERED in a layer of black ice. ❆ Like, my entire neighborhood was practically a skating rink. So i’d like to share a little story. 

I have two dogs. Their names are (don’t laugh at how stupid they are) Duke and Chonk 

∪･ｪ･∪ (Chonk is my morbidly obese dog, hence the name. She’s also Duke’s mother!). I got ready to walk my dogs with my father even though I usually go with my mom, tonight was just too cold for her. He and I got the dogs leashed up, and we set out. We went out the back of our apartment, and down the stairs until we reached the white grated door that led out to the street. Immediately, my father noticed the way the streetlight reflected a sort of glossy look on the sidewalk. That meant there was black ice there. I think most everyone knows what black ice is, but if you don’t, its essentially a thin glazed layer of ice on roads or sidewalks which is sometimes hard to see (which is why it has its name). He opened the grated door and we stepped out slowly, only to look around and realize the black ice was everywhere. On everything. Every curb, road, crosswalk, was glimmering under the streetlights. My father thought up a solution to instead walk on the grass patches beside the pavement in order to keep from slipping. So there we were, walking on the pasture for the majority of the walk. It was about 9-10PM, most of the streets were darkened except for the ones with working streetlights. There were a couple times we had to tread very carefully past alleyways or crosswalks because everything was incredibly slippery. Surprisingly, we didn’t slip at all throughout the entire walk. Now, let’s rewind to my dogs. Duke has never been the most obedient type. He likes to pull, he rarely listens to directions, and due to an extremely long explanation I don’t feel like giving, he hates other dogs. And for some reason, people. Because of this he’s had to wear a muzzle everytime we go on walks on anywhere in public with him. Anyway, back to the present, As we were crossing another icy alleyway, two teenagers pass by, trying to walk on the icy road beside us, just a few yards away. They’re laughing, trying to hold their balance and not fall like we are, and eventually they pass. I helped my father cross the alleyway and we were just about to start walking again when all of a sudden, he trips a little. And in an attempt to catch himself (which he did) he let go of Duke’s leash. Σ(°ロ°) And duke, being the careless, idiotic dog he is, runs off down the street. He did pause, and glanced back at us, watching us wave our hands and yell out his name like lunatics, but it obviously didn’t matter to him as he turned around, hearing the sound of a girl’s laughter, and dashed off in that direction. It suddenly clicked to both my dad and I that the only people who passed us by were those two teens from earlier. And if Duke was heading toward them, he was definitely not going to be kind. Chonk, in a desperate attempt to follow her son, begins pulling me through the ice, and with her weighing a billion pounds she could do so easily. I felt like those people in Alaska who stand on sleds and get pulled by huskies, except there was only one pitbull, and no sled. And ice everywhere. It was difficult, but I somehow managed to restrain her and hooked her up to a fence so she couldn’t get anywhere. Meanwhile, my father was trying to pace as fast as he could through the icy streets to get to Duke, who was incredibly far from us by now. I could hear shrieks in the distance. I made sure Chonk was incapable of moving anywhere before following after him, trying to hold onto cars to keep myself from slipping. Halfway down the road and suddenly Duke comes trotting back along as if nothing had happened. I grabbed him and yanked him away from the road and back to where Chonk still was while my father went to go check on the two teens. Luckily, they were both okay and unharmed, according to them, they were getting into their car when Duke came sprinting and was trying to get in. Luckily, they were surprisingly not too mad (I wouldn’t blame them if they were). So my father came back, we finished the walk and got back home, he locked Duke up in his cage as punishment while yelling every swear in the book at him. Chonk got a warning for almost escaping like Duke.

And that was the hardest dog walk i’ve ever taken, ever. As I always say, thank you so, so much 4 listening to my yap of the moment!! Luv u!! (°◡°♡)

Chapter Fourteen ⚠ (2/2)

Happy February everyone!! (⌒▽⌒)☆ It is officially Valentine’s season, which makes me both excited and kinda sad. Partly because Valentine’s Day always makes me feel hopeful that this year i’ll find someone, but deep down ik damn well my chopped ahh is NOT pulling the huzz (╥_╥) Speaking of February, I already finished making this month’s Song of The Day list, so it’d be supr cool if you stopped by and looked at it! Today’s song is definitely one of my favorites ever, ‘Love Me’ by RealestK, please listen 2 it it’s peak I swear!!

On a completely different note, I took a mini break from bedrotting and being unemployed and picked up a book for the first time in a while! (whoaaa crazy ikr) I finally finished it which is rare since I usually just get books, read a couple chapters, and leave them to collect dust on my shelf in my room. I read “You don’t know me” by David Klass. Let me just say, oh my god this book was… just a wild experience. Before I tell you what the premise is, I’ll add a trigger warning to this chapter because it does mention abuse. Basically, It’s about a fourteen year old boy named John, who talks and goes about life from his perspective. The main conflict in this story, though, is that John is often abused by his mother’s boyfriend. I am 100% serious when I say this book is crazy. It will throw you off. There are times when the main character/narrator will even mislead you and give you attitude (though the attitude thing is mostly at the start of the book). When I read this, there were so many times where I though “it cannot get any worse than this” and it got way worse. Nothing goes right for the MC in this book. I also cried about three or so times while reading it, some chapters are really heartbreaking. Klass legit had to be going through something while writing this. I definitely recommend this to people who like detailed first person novels. Incredibly heavy on the abuse trigger warning tho.

Moving on, it’s been three days since I put the site up, ty 2 everyone who stopped in!! I did end up adding a guest book, feel free 2 check it out and leave a msg (it is kinda empty rn ) 

I’ve been thinking about maybe talking about school again like I did in my earlier entries, since I understand that it’s definitely more interesting, so i’ll try to look for something exciting to talk about soon. Oh, and before I forget, tomorrow is my friend Diane’s birthday!! Chances are, I won’t be posting anything tomorrow so if you see this, happy birthday Diane, I hope you have an amazing day, you are and will always be my #1 and.. yeah! ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡ (also i feel entitled to say happy birthday to aj’s classmate, logan. so uh, happy birthday ig…)

Hope u guys find ur soulmates this month (i sure won’t) and as always, tysm 4 listening to my yap of the moment! LOVE U ALL! o(≧▽≦)o

Chapter Thirteen (1/30)

I have an announcement everyone!! (Wicked ref haha) The blog WEBSITE is officially finished (so far). I’ll be publishing it later today once I finish writing this entry and posting it on the site as well.

Before you go check it out, or if you have already, you might notice some things are laid out differently than on the doc version. Unfortunately, Google sites isn’t exactly very flexible which means it was extremely difficult to try and insert images or pixel gifs, so I couldn’t. (￣ ￣|||) I know, sucks, I was hoping to figure out a way to somehow add them without screwing up the existing text, but after 30 mins w/ no progress, I gave up. (if a solution does exist tho, please let me know!!) For now though, all pixels were replaced with kaomojis that look kinda similar. yk, i'm also thinking of adding a guestbook sometime soon..

For the people that like reading this on the doc version, don’t worry, it’ll still be here, and i’ll still be writing all my entries there first before transferring them to the site. I think that version is definitely the prettier one too, anyway.

So as of right now, I think the current order of posting entries would be:

1. Type out an entry

2. Either AJ or I will look over it for any grammatical errors (that’s his job now)

3. And i’ll copy the existing text and paste it onto the site, changing the formatting a little to match with the site!

I’m really excited to put out the site version of the blog, especially since I never thought I’d get this far by starting with a simple, dumb little memoir. I hope you guys really like it as much as I liked making it. (⌒▽⌒)♡

On a separate note, I’m currently making a list of songs i’ll be using for Song Of The Day (SOTD) on my Spacehey page! Since it’ll be February, I’ve decided that most, if not all songs should be romantic themed for Valentine’s Day. Unbeknownst to most people, it’s actually really tricky to think of a song for the day on the spot. At least for me, it is. 

As always, thank you SO much for listening to my yap of the moment, and for sticking with me this far. Love you guys! <3

Chapter Twelve (1/25)

Okay, so I’ve been making some pretty big changes lately. I officially have an audience. Lately I’ve been thinking about making this blog into a website, like on google sites so that it feels more ‘official’. The thing is, since the direction of this blog has changed a lot so drastically, I want to hide the first couple “chapters” (entries) so that less people see them. The truth is, I’m really embarrassed about them. I think I stated this earlier, but this was originally supposed to be a memoir. I wanted to write all about my journey during freshman year so I could look back on it as I grew older. (Hence the writing style in my earlier chapters.) But now, this is supposed to be like, an outlet for me. A way to indirectly talk to the world. I don’t want people to see this as a book. I want them to feel like this is a conversation. Like I’m right there, telling them about my day, and what’s happening right now in my life.

Now, I could just copy each chapter individually and paste them in a different order, but that would kind of take a while. A long while. LIKE SUPER LONG. ANd i’m lazy. So with a site, I could probably manage all of this easier. I most likely won’t do this now, since I already have a lot on my plate like school and home life, not to mention my Neocities website which is still a wip… But I just wanted to keep you all in the know on what’s to come in the future. As always, thank you for listening to my yap of the moment, luv u guys!! ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Chapter Eleven (1/24)

Hi everyone!! It’s currently 9:40 PM, I have my Spotify DJ running my playlist w/ “Something Going On” by Kaysha. Just wanted to put some words in here because i’m bored and MY POOR FRIEND GOT HIS PHONE TAKEN AWAY!! (╥_╥) I miss twin sm </3

I think It’s time to update this page. Give me one second… Well, actually, by the time you see this it’s probably already done, but still! 

Okayyy!! What do y'all think? Here’s what I changed (with exact specifications):

-Changed page format (color) ⇨ hex #e9a9be

-Changed text color ⇨ hex #7d5a66

-Changed text font ⇨ new: Gloria Hallelujah // old: Architects Daughter

-Tweaked intro para. a little bit ⇨ (added one sentence and a little emoji ^^ )

-Linked Spacehey into intro para.

Lil fun fact, The palette I used for this is from an image in my Spacehey Layout! Unfortunately, because of how bland Google Sites' customization features are, I can't insert the palette image. If you'd like to see it, visit the doc version of the blog ;) 

Also, if anyone wants 2 know what resources I use, or anything regarding pixels, blinkies, stamps, etc., I have a couple sites that I rly luv! I think I’ll probably add an entry on my Spacehey account of all the sites (I think I’ve mentioned spacehey like 4 times already, mb).

On a separate note, like three or four days ago I finally finished Squid Game. High-key pissed w/ the ending. OH!!! That reminds me!! Today, at school, we had our own Squid Games event afterschool. I went with my friend Michelle and Zubeyda. I was number 047, but since my school is broke asf the numbers were actually just written on a piece of paper which was then taped to the back of your shirt… Mine wouldn’t even stick cuz of the fabric of my sweater, so that was embarrassing. The prize was a $50 gift card, and uhhh.. We ended up getting eliminated on the second game, Mingle, because it was loud as HELL in that gym, there was like, around 200 people so you couldn’t hear what number was being called out. And when we got into a room, we had six people but needed eight, and no one was willing to come over so we all got eliminated. They gave us shitty dry, cold pizza afterward (no drink btw) so yeah, that was okay ig. Lowk disappointed in myself for getting out so early. Anyway, that’s my yap of the moment, i’ll see you soon! BUH BYE ILYY!! ♡(>ᴗ•)

Chapter Ten (1/22)

HellooooooooO!! Sry I haven’t posted much, been bz w/ school n shi. Update, I actually made a new friend last week. I think around last Thursday (1/16), I was hanging around in chatrooms, trying to make online friends and I ended up meeting this rly chill guy who i’ll call AJ, we’ve been talking nonstop pretty much every day which has been supr fun. Soo yeah, shoutout 2 him, he’s my bsf.

Also, has anyone noticed anything… weird since tiktok got unbanned? Like, something’s off. Like, really off. I think Shou (ceo of tiktok) made some kind of deal with Trump or sold the app to Meta/Elon Musk or something. Anyone else notice that any comments/videos about Luigi or Democrats/Republicans get hidden? I’m not really a conspiracy theory kinda person, but Tiktok’s been weird as hell. 1984 type shi…

Chapter Nine 1/11/25

Woah, I haven’t seen you guys since last year!! (Hahahaha knee-slapper ikr) Quick update on my Neocities, I just learned how to add a background and change the text. Also, if you check my Heyspace acc, you should see I’ve discovered the world of blinkies, buttons, and stamps. I’m totally obsessed with adding more and more to my page. I think I might add some on my site, but that’s for later. I also discovered this SUPR CUTE site called everskies! It’s like a dress up MovieStarPlanet kinda site (Does anyone still play that?). I haven’t exactly figured out all the features but you can find me there @iicqrlqii !!

On a separate note, does anyone know the html or css code to put an image in a specific spot? I’ve been trying to figure that out for like, a week but I’m stupid and all the tutorials are so confusing…. (⇀‸↼‶)

Chapter Eight (12/30)

Wow, has it really been that long? I meant to add to this earlier but my lazy ass kept procrastinating, so, sorry! I have a lot to share since last time I wrote. But first, some updates. I’m sure by the time you’re reading this, this will no longer be my personal biography/journal whatever, but my blog! And if you’ve been wondering why I’ve been writing things like i’m some kind of author writing a corny ass novel, the truth was I wasn’t really planning to share this with anybody. I started this as a kind of way to talk about my day as if someone was actually listening. But recently, i’ve stumbled into a new hyperfixation: 90’s/2000’s styled websites. Yeah, it’s weird I know, but chances are if you’re seeing this you came from one of those weird pages, probably either my HeySpace page if I add a link to this there, or my Neocities page which is hopefully looking better by the time you’re seeing this because as of right now, It’s still a sad, depressing blank…. ‘thing’ since i’ve yet to learn CSS to make it pretty. Anyway, from now on i’m going to try and write in a more “blog-gy” way instead of a “journal/novel/diary” kind of way since I’ll be having a bit of an audience now. 

OKAY!! So let’s catch up a little. It’s the middle of winter break right now, and so far it’s been decent to say the least. I did two secret santas at my school, my friend Lemon unfortunately got into a huge fight with her mom, and she ended up running away, so i texted her and she came over to my place for three days. She just left last Friday. A guy messaged me on HeySpace and asked me to check out his music, and since I love music i did. I really hope he doesn’t see this, because honestly I kind of didn’t like it…. I feel really bad about saying that since I lied and messaged him back saying it was great. Listen, in my defense, the genre he sings isn’t my cup of tea. I’m sure there are people out there who would like his songs, and i’m not here to tell people that his music was awful and nobody should listen to it, since I don’t believe in judging people by their music taste AT ALL.

As i’m writing this, I kind of looked back at some of my earlier ‘entries’/chapters and cringed a little. I sound like an overexaggerated moody teenager. So I think I’m going to edit those and change things I mentioned earlier like my school name that I put in for some reason, the weird shit I said and uh, yeah, i’ll brb.

Okay, i’m back! I changed all mentions of my school name and added an intro with trigger warnings, so people know what they’re getting into. To be honest, i’m actually kind of scared to show this to other people. I mean, it’s only my name people know, and the things that i’m writing here. I guess i’m just worried a pedophile or some weirdo is reading all of this, stalking and trying to put together the pieces of my life from my socials, things and people i mention here, and somehow they’ll figure me out. Or that my school will see this and get me in trouble since I’m writing all of this on my school chromebook on a google doc. Ehhhhh let’s just hope for the best.

Chapter Seven (12/17)

Life has been a little more slow lately. I really don’t feel like going to school anymore, but force myself to anyway. I think I might be failing some classes because I’ve honestly been skipping for about two or three weeks now.. not like, in a cool way really. I’ve just hid in the bathroom and looked at my phone the whole time. I try not to skip more than three classes a day. I used to only do it for computer science since Mr. Juarez isolated me in that class and I no longer feel like turning in my work to him, so I just stopped going. Plus, when i rarely go, I don’t have anything to do so I just sit there and pretend i’m doing something important. I’ve also been skipping P.E. swimming, not because I don’t want to, but sometimes I forgot my swim bag and Ms. McQueen doesn’t let us go out on the deck in street clothes, so i’m failing anyway.

I’ve decided to be more lenient with Matias now. I still hate his stupid face, but I guess i’ll have to suck it up and get used to him being around. They might get married in the future or something (I hope not) so I might as well let it go now.

The only thing motivating me to keep going the last week before winter break is my friends and Christmas. I have two secret santa  gift exchanges this week, one with my lunch friend group and the other with my close core four, from middle school. Honestly, i’m more excited to see my old friend group together again. They used to make me happy. We also have international day, or “i-day” this Thursday, which is a free 7th period pass to watch the cultural clubs dance, so at least that’s something to look forward to.

Chapter Six  ⚠ (10/29)

It’s been three days since my school had it’s Halloween Haunted House event. It was okay. Ten bucks for five minutes of jumpscares, and you have to pay more money for more tickets which is the currency to buy snacks and food. I showed up as My Melody, and probably definitely had the cutest costume. Michelle brought this guy from my Biology class who’s in her English class, Matias (pronounced mat-ey-yas). They definitely look like they have feelings for each other, but deny it. I’m a little jealous, honestly. Not that they like each other, but that he wants to be friends with her in the first place. Probably because she’s like, gorgeous now so a lot of people like her. When I tried to be friends with him, he just brushed me off and said he was “picky with who he’s friends with.”

Matias is friends with Neviah, this really sweet girl who’s also in my Biology and Algebra class, and Annabelle. Her name alone makes me sick. But whatever, good for her. I have friends too. I think. Zubeyda made some new lunch friends recently, and now we all sit together at their table. They’re pretty nice. Sometimes I feel she’ll replace me, but I try to ignore my mind.

Recently, I’ve been feeling off. This morning I cried and felt nauseous getting ready for school. That happens when i’m anxious or stressed for the day. I remember it happening all the time when I was bullied in 6th grade. But this is somewhat different. For a while now, I’ve been feeling suicidal. I finally told my mom about a month ago, and just this Saturday she took me to get evaluated. They didn’t make me stay overnight, thank goodness, but gave me some resources. The hospital people were nice, but I knew I’d have to come up with a lie to tell my dad if I spent the night there. He doesn’t get me. Not like my mother does. At this point, from the bottom of my heart, I honestly can’t find any love for him anymore. He is no father to me. Just a man I share a name with. I feel depressed all the time. Too miserable to wake up and go to school, too miserable to go home and face him. I think this stems from me feeling lonely. In a way, I do have friends, but they have friends they’d rather be with, like how I feel Michelle leaving me for Matias. Or Zubeyda for other people. I think my happiness is dependent on other people. My friends keep me sane. They make me happy, distract me from my shitty life.

The urge to take my life horrifyingly grows every day. I sometimes find myself wishing I got shot on the street, or stabbed myself. I’d rather die by someone else’s hand than my own. Apparently, according to my dad a long time ago, suicide is a sin. I think that’s supposed to keep me grounded, but it only makes me feel stuck. The class is about to end, I should get going to second period.

Chapter Five (9/24)

Well, Annabelle and I are no longer friends. Ever since I spoke with Zubeyda like, twice, and hung out with her at lunch, she just… Distanced herself? Or maybe she’s just trying to guilt trip me into feeling bad for her. Honestly, I really don’t. All she did was complain and treat me like shit, and all I’ve ever done is tolerate her, treat her kindly and at least pretend I cared about whatever she was on about. And when I want to talk to other people who actually care about me, suddenly I’m the bad person here? What about Mari? It bothered me to be so excluded right before my eyes, but I always kept it to myself and let them talk. And even then I still put up with her afterward. I was her second best and she knew it. 

Yet part of me still has a little feeling that maybe I could’ve been jealous. It was my first friend in highschool after all. I didn’t want to share her with anybody, to let someone else take her away when she was the only thing I had. And I somewhat agree with that part of me. At one point, I did care about her. I wanted her to stay. Even as corny and self-absorbed as she was, there was a point I considered her a friend. But not anymore.

Today was Michelle’s second day here, since she arrived on the twenty-third. Earlier this year in July, my birthday month, she went out of her way to get me the cutest white Hello Kitty flared sweatpants. I adore them and wear them from time to time, so I don’t wear them out. And she got me those pants during my summer job, since being fourteen according to my parents meant ‘get a job’.

Anywho, August eleventh rolled around, Michelle’s birthday. Unfortunately, her parents are (sweet but) strict as hell, and we couldn’t plan anything. And my summer job eventually came to a close around that time, So I didn’t get the chance to buy her a proper gift like she had to me.

So last Saturday (9/21), I was at the laundromat with my mom, washing clothes because the following day I was supposed to have plans with friends and a guy I’m into. (P.S: They got canceled because of a rainstorm.), and after putting all the clothes in the washer, we decided to browse around the next door Dollar Tree because we always do that for fun. And lo-and-behold, within three steps of walking in, I see crappy quality Halloween plushies, and beneath them some anime character Funko Pops.

I’m not really an anime fan, I’ve only ever watched and finished like, three shows. But I know Michelle is a total weeb, and is currently drooling over this character, Satoru Gojo from some dumb anime. He has like, white hair any way-too-blue eyes and apparently was a racist character in the show and got cut in half? I don’t know, the guy’s pretty underwhelming to me. I’m definitely more of a Miguel O’Hara/Spiderman 2099 kind of girl.

As I was saying, I look through the little shelf of japanese characters I don’t know, when I recognize that dumb white hair and blinding (in a bad way) blue eyes. And since I’m such a great person, (yes, to brag ((I’m joking!!)) I got it for her and gave it to her afterschool today. She totally lost her shit and screamed so loud when I gave it to her, making one guy give us look which sent us bursting into laughter. She gave me this huge hug and we both went our separate ways, since it was kind of raining and we were standing in the sidewalk like the two dumbasses that we are. I know she’ll be doing unmoral things with that figure, but it’s out of my control now. Michelle’s… just Michelle.

Chapter Four (9/12)

It’s been exactly two weeks since then. Things have definitely changed, which I should’ve expected. I guess nothing really does last forever, and I feel like I knew that, but couldn’t bring myself to actually believe it. Okay so, as a really quick-but-probably -super-long-recap, here’s what’s happened so far. 

One, I spoke up to Annabelle about how I didn’t like her bitching around all the time, she apologized, yap yap, obviously at one point you have to get tired of constant whining so Madri stopped sitting at our table, props to her for having the heart. Annabelle continued to be annoying, showing me her favorite ‘bakudeku’ ships. (ew.) 

And even though things weren’t exactly desirable, at least I didn’t feel completely shitty all the time. Oh, nope, wait, I did. Because Annabelle considered me her only friend, she clung to me like a burr. Followed me everywhere, constantly yapping about who knows what. It gets exhausting at a point. And even though I answered with obvious disinterest, she still kept running her damn mouth. Also, she has an “emotional support squirrel”... which is just a plush squirrel she’s attached to.

I also learned she has dyslexia. And that she has, like, one or two sisters. She’s literally fatherless. I’m not even kidding, her mother and him never married. And he left her or something. I guess that’s also why she’s expressed such idolism towards her mother. That lady waits for her outside of school after dropping her off, even though they live 45 minutes away (according to Annabelle), and eats with her at lunch. Annabelle gets up from the table, goes downstairs, probably somehow sneaks her mom in, and they eat together in a stairwell. At least that’s what I think goes down.

❋ ❋ ❋

It is now September twentieth. One of my best friends from my old middle school transferred from Mather. Her name is Zubeyda, and she’s probably the first person that’s ever come over into my house, the first one who taught me how to “hang out afterschool”. I used to live a pretty boring life, with a repeated routine, until I met her. 

I also found out that one of my other best friends, who’s actually in my close friend group since the start of seventh grade, this girl Michelle, is going to transfer next week!  She’s been in my best friend circle since the seventh grade, and yeah, we’ve had our fights but she’s still makes me happy and we care about each other. 

I think this might be more of a journal than a book or story. Just saying. I just have to remember to finish my entries. 

Chapter Three (9/1)

So there I am, sitting by my ‘friend’ in sixth period lunch on the third day of the first week of high school. They were serving low quality chicken nuggets with ketchup, as expected for a public high school. I was absolutely devouring those things, though. I hadn’t eaten for the first two days, can you blame me? I’m listening to Annabelle question how she’s even going to start the process of transferring, and what standards she even has to meet to be eligible for a transfer form. I look down at the table and see a world history textbook right by me. I look up and see a girl with dark brown curly hair and glasses, like me, looking at her chromebook across from us. I was willing to try anything to pause this senseless conversation, even for a second. I gently put my palm on the textbook and look up at the girl.

“Hey, is this yours?” I asked, sliding the textbook across the table to her.

She nods and apologizes for it, and I tell her it’s no problem, turning back to Annabelle so I could pretend i’m interested in the useless conversation and not seem completely ignorant. But to my surprise, the girl instead introduces herself.

I couldn’t hear what she said, because again, we were in this crowded lunchroom of about 75 or more students all talking loudly at the same time. But it was something ethnic, it started with an M. Let’s just call her Madri as a placeholder name. I don’t think I have any intention of talking to her any time soon, let alone asking for her name, but whatever.

Madri was a sophomore. Just a grade above us. I think she was Indian or something, I can’t remember.

So Madri chirps in, “Oh, you wanted to go Northside? Well…”

And she begins to yammer with Annabelle. Thus marks the day it all went down. OKay, that sounds corny as fuck, forget the dumb shit that just came out of my mouth and onto the page. 

So now they’re both chatting about transferring and Northside and blah blah blah. And usually I wouldn’t give a fuck about who Annabelle talks to, except the fact that I noticed two things. One was that Annabelle seemed to talk more enthusiastically with Madri. As if she’d been waiting to speak with her all day even though we all just met like, three seconds ago. The second was that now that Madri appeared in our lives, Annabelle acted as if she wanted nothing to do with me now. I tried to not let myself get excluded from the conversation, speaking up once in a while, but it was like I wasn’t even there… Whatever, In all honestly I don’t really even like Annabelle or that stupid fucking sophomore. 

Chapter Two (9/1)

Annabelle J. I only have her in my second period gym class. Has an older sister who goes to Taft and hates it there, says the hallways are too narrow for all the students to pass. Apparently she used to get bullied in her middle school for wanting to go to Northside. Northside College Prep, AKA, the hardest and best high school in Chicago to be in. I honestly don’t understand why kids would bully her for that, but I could see what they would dislike about her.

When eighth grade began, every other ex-seventh grader and I obviously weren’t the newbies anymore, so like the eighth graders that came before us, we had to get used to the fact that that year meant there would be new, fresh seventh graders that would be enrolled and share the school building with us. Among one of those seventh graders was this girl. Light-Skinned, I could tell she had diabetes since she wore one of those patch things on her shoulder. Her name was Annalina. Annalina didn’t bother me at first, but I really got to meet her when I found out she was pretty much in every club I was in. Just like me, she brought up how she also loves writing, drawing, and theater. Okay, fine. Whatever. I didn’t really mind that part too much. What I did mind was the fact that Annalina loved to yap. She acted like a corny sixth grader. She was a teacher’s pet to like, every club teacher. And she spoke a million words a minute. She was like a kid off pure candy. Soon, I got annoyed and soon dropped out of all those clubs. Now that i’m in high school, I didn’t have to worry about her anymore. Until Annabelle.

Annabelle has the exact same tone as Annalina. Even similar names! She talked like her, acted like her only a little bit (thank goodness), and also looked similar to my old ‘enemy’ back in my old elementary school before I transferred. I don’t know how I didn’t see the signs back then, but I should’ve known something was going to go wrong when she looks like two of my biggest enemies combined into one. But I guess I thought to myself, “Hey, new year, new me, right?”

She seemed friendly and trusting at the time, and I could put up with a bit of chatter. So I smiled and nodded when she asked if I would be her friend. I later learned that this was a mistake.

Remember how I mentioned that Annabelle wanted to go to Northside? Well I underestimated her on that. Turned out, she really wanted to be at Northside. The second day was when it all started. At  first, I noticed small things. Like when we spoke, all she talked about was how she’s planning to transfer to Northside somehow. And whenever I tried to bring up a new topic, like how her day was, or whatever happened in my day, she just… ignored me completely and responded by continuing to talk about whatever she was originally speaking about. And nine out of ten times she was speaking about Northside, or beginning to complain about our school.

On the third day, she started crying and complaining to me about how much she hates it here, and how she can’t wait to transfer. She complains about how she doesn’t like carrying notebooks instead of just using a binder for everything, how she doesn’t like that we have to change into our gym uniforms, how she has male teachers and doesn’t like them because she says they don’t teach as well as female teachers. I awkwardly pat her back and nod, murmuring an occasional “mhm” or “uh-huh” to everything she says. I advise her that maybe she should speak to the counselor about all the feelings she’s having, but she refuses and tells me some stupid story about how in the third grade she went on a month long vacation to Florida with her family, and that month happened to be the first month of school. So when she got back and spoke to the counselor about homerooms and how to catch up, the counselor tells her, “You should’ve told your mother earlier that you needed to come back to school ASAP instead of spending the whole week there.”

That was it, by the way. That was the entire reason that made her choose to never see a school counselor ever again. I was extremely confused, but she seemed so set on not going, so what was I to do?

Lunch rolled around later that day, three periods later. I haven’t been able to eat at all, since the line gets long if you’re not there within the first minute, and if you’re late, it takes fifteen minutes which takes up more than half the time for lunch. 

I’ve been sitting with Annabelle every day for lunch, since she’s my only friend and the more, the merrier or something like that. I usually spend my time trying to start some kind of conversation with her, asking her how classes went and all that. She’s mostly only focusing on her homework or complaining some more about how hard her life is because she didn’t get into her dream school. That day, though, wasn’t as uneventful.

Chapter One (9/1/24)

It’s been one week since I started high school. Five days of getting up at 6 or earlier in the morning, five days of getting lost in the halls, not knowing anybody, screwing up my schedule and walking into the wrong class before realizing i’m not where i’m supposed to be. Five days of hauling around this seemingly fifty pound backpack.

If i’m being honest, i’m already done with high school entirely, and we just started. But the problem isn’t the school, it’s the people.

Listen, I love where i’m at. It’s the school i’ve had my eye on since eighth grade. When I got accepted into only Senn, I was bummed. But when I finally got accepted from the waitlist, every fiber in my body exploded with excitement. This is the school my mother went to, though she graduated from Amundsen, but that’s a long story for some other time. My school was also mentioned in Ferris Bueller’s Day off! Name another high school who could say the same.

Thing is, my first day there was okay. Thanks to a random burst of confidence during summer, i’ve been more bubbly and friendly since the start of seventh grade. I can totally talk to people. I love making friends, making jokes, yapping all day long. And so far, i’ve made no enemies. But at the same time, I haven’t really made friends either.

I’m okay with being alone. In fact, I saw other people who keep to themselves during the day and in some periods. Maybe that’s because they don’t really know anyone in that specific period, who knows. But i’m not the only one. That was until Gym.

I totally forgot how it happened, but all I remember is looking down to see this 4’11 green eyed girl. Beige-ish colored 3c hair, kind of looks like my old elementary school bully, has on a white dress shirt with a Fruit of the Loom design in the front, a navy blue skirt and an oversized cardigan. She looked like she was going to some private school. She says hi, I say hi. She asks me a question, I give her a lighthearted response. The gym teacher gives us our locks and gym uniforms, we sit down on the bench in the locker room, and are instructed to learn how to open our combination lock with a little pamphlet that was handed to everybody.

It wasn’t hard for me at all. In middle school, everyone had their own skinny little locker with combination locks, and I was one of the first people to master it (Not to brag), so this was second nature to me. As I turn my lock swiftly, successfully opening it the first time, I hear her voice beside me.

“Can you help me with my lock?” She asked.

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

I grab her lock, she tells me the code. I teach her the exact steps on how to unlock it. As I pull up the latch, she still seems a bit confused, but is grateful anyway. She thanks me and she talks a little bit about herself.