i am terrified to graduate
not because of the future-
but because i may forget the past
i am terrified for the moment
when all of the faces that feel all too familiar to me
become faces that i only see on a phone screen
i am terrified to walk out the doors
after walking across the stage
seeing my family in the crowd-
the family who never eats dinner together
the family who came to witness my childhood disappearing within an hour
even though i can always come back
it won’t be the same
now move your tassel to the right
wait-
my 14 year old self says
you are now on your way to the real world
why are we leaving-
she askes me
the real world awaits
i say as i force a smile for pictures
it’s never about the weight
it’s about the control
it’s about feeling accomplished
don’t eat
i try to ignore the voice in my head
i knew you were too weak
i give in
good job
the obsession begins-
i have a test today
i didn’t study
don’t eat
it will solve all of your problems-
it’s never about the weight
it’s about the feeling of actually doing something right
i begin weighing myself
-5
-10
-5
+2
god you’re disgusting
you can’t do anything right
you need to start exercising more
the obsession never ends
god help me
i can’t get out
please
i can feel my body tense
i’m trapped
please
why is this happening
i can’t stop hearing it
please
i begin screaming
hitting my head
please
pulling my hair
scratching my arms
please
all because my mom chewed with her mouth open
it’s a simple thing
being loved by your pet
to know that they willingly choose you
it’s a simple thing
when the world feels so heavy
to know that they love you
without even having to speak a single word
it’s a simple thing
that makes life so much easier