Parenting Tips

Parent Tips from our Board Certified Behavior Analyst, Mrs. Kujawa:

Tip #1:

We are all on edge because of the Corona virus. Our daily lives have been disrupted, we aren’t sure what tomorrow may bring, and for many of us the nonstop news and social media coverage isn’t helping.

Our experts say that dealing with your own anxiety can be the most powerful way to make sure your kids feel secure. If you or your children are feeling worried, learning how to deal with that anxiety in a healthy way can help the whole family be more resilient, both now and when the pandemic is finally over.

Helping anxious kids

Structure their day. As parents we often think that setting boundaries for a child is a way to make our lives easier, but in fact kids thrive on them, too. It is easy for children to get bored or fretful if they are facing a day without structure, and anxiety can thrive under those circumstances.

Make sure that you are structuring their days when they are cooped up at home. Alternate chores or schoolwork with more fun activities and periods of free time. Make sure kids are still getting the chance to exercise and socialize with friends via video chats and social media if they are on it.

Avoid giving too much reassurance. For kids of all ages, Dr. Bubrick recommends avoiding getting into a cycle of providing too much reassurance. Kids can come to rely on the reassurance and want to hear it more and more often — and when a parent isn’t able to give them complete reassurance their anxiety can worsen.

Instead, remind kids of the things they are doing to take care of themselves (like washing their hands and staying indoors) and encourage them to focus on being in the moment. They can practice mindfulness activities alone or with you.

Model calm yourself. Don’t share your worries with your children, and if you are feeling anxious, find a way to ground yourself. “After this crisis is over, your kids are going to walk away from this having learned things,” says Dr. Bubrick. “What will they have learned from you in the way you handled this? Will they look back and say ‘Wow, I’m really impressed with how mom and dad held it together?’ Or are they going to walk away and think the world is a scary place?”

Look for the positive. Finally, Dr. Bubrick recommends looking for the silver linings. “I spoke to a family this morning on Skype and they said, ‘You know, our kids are all together for the first time in months and they’re playing games together and they’re laughing together and we’re spending time together.’ So there are silver linings, you just have to look for them.

Tip #2:

Get ahead of behavior issues

The current situation is just as difficult for kids as it is for parents. And with everyone at home together, some conflict is unavoidable. Consider these tips for making the most of the challenges that do come up:

• Avoid the temptation to intervene if you can. Having more than one kid at home can be great, on the one hand, because they can keep each other company. But being cooped up can also lead to more bickering among siblings. Carol, a lawyer and the single mom of two 11-year-old girls, has discovered the beauty of noise-cancelling headphones. “I wear them sometimes when the kids are off playing or doing chores,” she says. “I have a tendency to want to get involved as soon as I hear them needing help or beginning to argue. It is helpful to me not to be able to hear them because it allows them more time to work through stuff on their own” This approach works well with teens and tweens. If you have little kids, you’ll probably need to be the referee and help them work it out. But having a calm discussion about whatever the issue is better than just yelling at them (even if that’s what you really feel like doing) is likely to keep things from escalating and you’ll also be modeling constructive ways of dealing with conflict.

• Expect some regression and tantrums. With the sudden restrictions imposed as a result of the pandemic, children have suddenly lost their bearings in the world — their friends, their school, their schedule. And it’s expected that kids may be anxious and that may result in regression and acting out. The key, Dr. Lee says, is to not engage with tantrums as much as possible as long as the behavior isn’t dangerous. “We want to be careful that we don’t inadvertently reward kids in the middle of their tantrum with big, bold, and immediate attention, because it will inadvertently reinforce that behavior and keep it going.”

• Heap on the praise. On the flip side, it’s crucial to “catch” your kids being good. “I’m always all about the praise and there’s two kinds of praise. There’s general praise and then there’s labeled praise,” Dr. Lee explains. “General praise is things like ‘good job,’ ‘thank you,’ ‘way to go.’ Labeled praise is literally telling someone what it was about their behavior you liked: ‘Thank you so much for putting your plate in the sink.’”

The strategy of praising kids in this way is something Lee uses especially in her work with kids with special needs like ADHD and autism because it really helps to reinforce good behavior. But right now, with virtually all kids having to learn new routines and ways of coping, applying these praise techniques is beneficial to any kid living under quarantine. Excerpts taken child mind institute

Parent Tip(continued)

Tip #3:

In good times and in hard times, parents can take steps to help their children strengthen their emotional competence. As parents, “we are co-creating the emotion system for our kids” says Dr. Marc Brackett, Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of "Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive."

“Emotions are constructed by our interactions with other people,” says Brackett. Caring for a child's emotional development is key to life-long flourishing “because while part of our success in life is knowing how to count and read and write, a bigger part of our success in life is knowing how to get along well with other people and deal with life's ups and downs.”

Parents may not always feel up to this task – especially in challenging moments – and yet parenting can be an opportunity for adults to strengthen their own emotional intelligence. In order to help children regulate their own emotions, we must keep working on regulating our own, says Brackett. “It's all about adult development.”

Responding to Children’s Signals

The emotion system is a signal system, and how we feel on the inside drives how we approach a task, says Brackett. How we read and interpret the emotions in other people also sends signals to our brain. “When I look at your facial expression, if you are displaying a lot of anger, it says to me, ‘Avoid. Avoid. Avoid!’ That's what emotions do. They signal,” says Brackett.

But here’s a crucial difference when it comes to parenting: when our children send out classic “avoid” signals such as yelling or angry expressions – this is a signal to approach them. “That’s really critical for parents: for kids, all emotions are approach.”

As adults, we often give our friends and partners space when they are in a bad mood. But with young kids, “you always have to follow up,” says Brackett. “It’s your moral obligation to know what your child is feeling and to support them in developing healthy strategies.”

This can be very difficult. When adults are under stress, our instinctive biological response is to fight, flee or freeze. “Many parents get easily activated and triggered by their kids. The kid throws something, the kid is crying, the kid is screaming, ‘I hate you!’ and suddenly you're triggered.” In these moments, take a deep breath and try to replace “fight or flight” with “stay and help,” says Brackett.

When both parent and child are emotionally activated, it’s “very hard to problem solve” – so parents may need to take a walk or time to collect themselves. But it is critical to circle back and attend to the child.

Parent Tip(continued)

Tip #4:

Now that schools have closed due to the Coronavirus outbreak, how can parents best help their children learn and complete work while avoiding counterproductive power struggles?

Much of the answer involves sharing control within the boundaries of firm yet loving limits. It’s an old concept made even more relevant by the current situation. Most of us feel that our lives have been turned upside down. We’re experiencing little or no control over so many things.

Do we all yearn for control? What happens when we feel like we’ve lost it?

Obviously our kids are also experiencing many difficult feelings, including a sense of losing much of their freedom. That’s why small choices around schoolwork represent one of the most powerful ways of minimizing the chaos during these already difficult times. Listed below are some examples. Please remember that the choices you provide will depend on your unique situation and value system.

• Will you be starting your schoolwork now or in five minutes?

• What do you want to start with? Math or reading?

• Do you want to make a goal of working for 30 minutes before your break, or would 25 minutes be better?

• Will you be doing your work while sitting or standing?

• Do you think it would be best to draft something on pencil or paper… or begin your work directly on the computer?

• Would you like my help or would you prefer working alone?

• Do you want to learn in the kitchen or in the family room?

• Will you be working while keeping your body still, or would you rather see how much you can wiggle while still getting it done?

• Should we start with the hardest part first or the easiest?

• Would you rather help me with chores or get started on your schoolwork?

The key to success with this technique involves remembering three things:

1. Give most of your choices before your child becomes resistant… not after.

2. With each choice provide two options, each of which you like.

3. Be prepared to choose for your child if they don’t select an option you provided.

While these ideas can’t solve all of the parenting challenges we face right now, they’ll increase the odds of getting through each day with fewer power struggles.