Each “part” of us plays a role: Lisa Azzopardi

When Lisa Azzopardi, registered social worker and psychotherapist, founder of Catalyst Therapy, and co-founder of Moon + Gem, a holistic mental health care community for parents, read Finding Your Stars, she said, “This is definitely a great tool for self-regulation, self-compassion and increasing awareness of the emotional parts that each child holds — the clouds and the stars.”

She didn’t use that word “parts” lightly. Instead, the term comes from a model of psychotherapy called Internal Family Systems, which informs her therapeutic approach. The theory considers our inner world to have multiple, distinct parts — none of them inherently bad.

Finding Your Stars author Carolyn Morris asked Lisa about the theory and how making space for our different “parts” can help them all get along.

What is “parts theory”?

“Parts theory” originated from “Internal Family Systems” (IFS) and it’s this idea of acknowledging all of the parts within ourselves. We are the sum of all these different parts — and there are no bad parts.

That’s actually the name of a book by Dr. Swartz, psychotherapist who developed IFS after years of practicing as a family therapist. the person who developed this theory, “No Bad Parts.” And that title sets the tone around how we engage with our parts and the type of relationship we have with the various aspects of ourselves. When we do “parts work,” we explore these parts with curiosity. So, like in the Finding Your Stars book, when you refer to the clouds and the stars, it reflects how there are parts of ourselves that maybe we don't love, or parts of ourselves that may have been exiled.

These exiled parts were maybe really present in childhood, and for whatever reason — whether it was trauma, distress, loss, grief, or something else — they played a role in protecting us. Maybe it was an “anxious part,” a “critical part” or even the “people pleaser” or “the rescuer.” All of our parts show up for a good reason. They are there to help us, even though we may not see it that way initially. But when we explore those parts in therapy, in our spaces of self-reflection, or in other contexts, it can help us form different relationships with those parts of ourselves.

So even if there are no “bad parts” — can we still “Marie Kondo” some of our parts? Like, “Thanks, people pleaser, but I’m now too old to care so much what others think of me?”

You got it. It can be a question of how we take care of that part, when it no longer serves us, when its job is done.

When we’re 40 years old and we may no longer need that people pleaser part — how do we say goodbye? Maybe it’s, “Hey people pleaser. Thank you so much for showing up, because you have really helped me through my teenage years, my 20s, maybe a bit of my 30s. And I really needed you at that time, because I was going through a lot. I want to let you know that I really appreciate you, and this is your time to rest and chill. Because there's this other part that I have, and this adult part knows exactly what to do here.”

We might have a conversation between the parts and move toward an agreement. The “adult part” might ask the “people pleaser” if it can be trusted to take over. And we need to listen for the real response. Maybe it’s a “no” — but then we need to negotiate and find the middle path or a middle ground and work it out, just like we would with people. And maybe, we need to simply sit with it, practicing radical acceptance. Imagine being radically accepted?

It sounds like having a family meeting with yourself. It’s interesting how this approach sort of anthropomorphizes the different aspects of ourselves. Is that part of its power?

I think so. And it is like having a family meeting — with your “internal family.” We can have a real conversation with our parts, just like we would with our family members, working towards an understanding with a bit of negotiating and an appreciation for each of our parts.

I do think it’s helpful to see our parts as characters, because they do have their own thoughts and feelings, and way of being in the world. Seeing them this way also creates a bit of a separation — a distance that’s needed between the self and the part. For example, between me and my worry. I talk to kids a lot about this, saying “I am not my worry. I am not anxious. I feel worry, I experience worry, but worry is over there, and I’m over here.” When we externalize these parts of us in a positive way, we can really look at them, understand them and give them a name. (Like with Daniel Siegel’s “name it to tame it” approach.)

And some kids find it really fun to give their worry a name, just like they’d name their stuffies. My kid calls their worry the Gremlin. So anytime that worry part comes online, we can greet the Gremlin. We can check in with what their Gremlin is telling them, or how it’s trying to protect them.

It also seems to be a good way of removing feelings of shame or blame from parts of us we’re maybe less proud of.

Yes, I do think this approach helps reduce the shame we might otherwise feel about these parts. So many of us grew up being labelled a “bad kid” or “good kid,” and that’s so restrictive. It’s so limiting.

How would you have conversations with kids about these difficult parts — about their “clouds”?

The way I approach it is always hearing their stories and their experiences and just being open and curious, in exploring what's going on in their lives — what they are interested in, the relationships they’re in. We can hear the parts show up if we're listening for them. There isn’t a specific formula, besides holding a lot of curiosity, non-judgement and safety.

I think that non-judgement is really important, because those parts we don’t love, we might try to hide them. But when we know we’re not being judged, when we feel safe in relationships, we can share that part we might not love, and we know it’s going to be met with compassion. We feel safe, and we have permission to understand and work with that part, instead of keeping it under wraps.

I can see how curiosity and non-judgement can be so powerful. What do you say to parents who might find it hard in practice — maybe because they’re maybe trying to curb inappropriate behaviour?

It can be hard to separate the validation needed in the moment from the need to change a specific behaviour, but it’s so helpful if we start by seeing and validating that part of our child that’s behaving in a certain way that might not be conducive.

You know how anyone feels when they’re told, “you’ve got to change this, or stop doing that.” Our nervous system is just like “Nuh-uh!” Especially kids. It can be so hurtful to feel like a part of you isn’t understood and loved.

I think the priority is to really understand and learn about that part that is involved in the behaviour, and to allow it to feel safe and comforted. Not to change the part itself, but to ask, “What does this part need?” Once we understand the need, then we can fulfill that need in a healthy way. And if that part ends up getting what it needs, it will be satisfied and the behavior might change.

The other thing that happens with parents and kids is that our parts interact with one another. Reflecting on my own parenting experience I can I see that when my kid’s Gremlin comes online, that can activate my own Gremlin. So many parents know that feeling of just trying to get their kid out the door on a Monday morning, and you have to do X, Y and Z to be on time. I’ve noticed that in those moments, their Gremlin wants to invite mine in! My anxiety goes up, and I realize that’s not going to be helpful.

So I have to be mindful around what other part of me I can tap into in that moment to help me navigate the morning. What part do I need? Do I need to turn on my “therapist” part, or do I need to turn on my, “whatever happens, happens” part? And that tells my kid’s Gremlin that it’s not fighting against anyone. Instead, as I calm down and self-regulate, their nervous system calms down — we co-regulate our emotions, reconnect and just carry on.

I love that you have a “therapist part” to draw on. That would have come in handy as a parent.

Even if I’m a therapist, I still lose my cool! Even though I’ve practiced this stuff so many times, I still slip up — which is when my “frustrated” part comes online. We are all imperfect. Cue “compassion part.”

A huge thank you to Lisa for sharing her expertise and insights! Lisa Azzopardi is a registered social worker and psychotherapist. She is founder of Catalyst Therapy and co-founder of the parent-focused mental wellness community, Moon + Gem. You can follow her on Instagram @catalyst_therapy_ and learn more at Catalyst Therapy and Moon + Gem. (You can also find out more about “parts theory” and “Internal Family Systems” here.)

Learn more about Finding Your Stars and how to buy the book here.