Comedy

With the Donald being term-limited and ineligible to run for president in this next presidential election (unless they pass that amendment), we must now look to both parties to see who they will run in the upcoming presidential race. You may think the answers are obvious or even inevitable (we don't allow doubt in this household), and that the nominees will be Kamala Harris for the Democrats, and Chris Christie (who else would it be?) for the Republicans. However, you would be straight up wrong, and I'll tell you why in a convoluted manner so as to avoid giving away too much about my powers of prediction.

Yes my friends, it is my...  gleeful? (no, too positive), solemn? (no, too serious), aha, relevant duty to inform you that the Republican nominee for 2028 will be former vice president......                Dick Cheney! Now, you might think that's crazy considering his incredible unpopularity across the political spectrum, but who better to represent the party of chaos than the man who shot his friend in the face (while he was still in office, mind you). I not only believe, but indeed I know, that Dick Cheney will be the Republican nominee, it really just makes sense. The Republican party (in recent history) has a history of nominating candidates that are very unpopular, and two out three times they'll actually win.

Now that we've taken care of the Republican nominee, lets move onto the Democratic nominee. If you want to guess beforehand here's a hint, it's gonna be a battle of the vice-presidents. That's right! the nominee will indeed be former vice-president, Dan Quayle......    What's that, you don't know who Dan Quayle is? Fine, since no one seems to remember or care that Quayle was ever vice-president, we'll just go with Mike Pence....     Oh, right. I guess there's really no one left, our one and only savior from the madness that is party nominations, former vice-president, Joseph Biden.....   Yes, this is good, I can work with this. Okay, so Joe Biden was really unpopular, but he was also a one-term president, and if these last elections are anything to go off of, people really enjoy having old people replace other old people that they no longer like.

If you ever thought this article would make sense, you clearly have been doing something right, given that this will certainly be what happens 3 and a half years down the line. Anyways, now onto the vice-presidential nominations, these are very important choices and will be extraordinarily meaningful (for the people being selected, at least). For the republican vice-presidential nominee, who else but RFK JR, or rather, the bear that he threw into central park. Honestly a dead bear in the middle of a park is probably a step up from RFK JR, I wonder if the bear has any thoughts on measles vaccinations? For the democratic vice-presidential candidate, the inventor of the internet himself Al Gore will be selected. Indeed, viewer (or I guess reader) discretion is advised, for this article does contain Al Gore. Gore is probably gonna be a bit disappointed he wasn't chosen for president, but what are you gonna do, sigh about it?

The results are now in, you now know who will be featured main stage in the 2028 presidential race. You may want to know who will actually win the election, but I'm gonna keep that to myself for now (if for nothing else just to stress you out). And there you have it, I think we're done here... or, sorry... I'm being told there's one more candidate I forgot to mention. Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to introduce to you the libertarian-green party (they merged in a few years because, why not?) Martin O'Malley! You heard (or read) that right, Martin O'Malley, former governor of Maryland  is running for president and may win... if we lived in a country where third party candidates actually had representation. Oh, and for vice president he's gonna go with Jon Stewart, just for the heck of it.

Written and Edited by Fritz Smith

Jolly old Saint Nick, you all know him, but what you may not know is the secrete political agenda that he has been operating under for the better part of a century. As you pry into the inevitable political motivations that drive Mr. Kringle, two major possibilities arise: Communism, and Free-Market Conservatism. Exploring the first possibility is relatively easy as is shown in his gifting of goods to children across the world (presumably) without regard to their contribution to the global economy. The commie Santa idea is further backed up by historical evidence i.e. Joeseph Stalin (just hear me out). A well known fact is that St. Nick has a list of "good" children and "bad" children, with the good ones being rewarded and the bad ones getting coal. You may assume that the coal doesn't prove anything, but when the house goes up in flames it becomes pretty clear. 

Aside from "silencing" political enemies, it is also said that Santa can see you when you're sleeping which is made all the easier with secret KGB cameras (remind you of anyone yet?). The fact that Santa is such a strong proponent of breaking and entering further demonstrates his opposition to private property which is a trait shared by many historical communist groups. Unfortunately, it seems there is a very strong counter-argument to this theory (which never ceases to ruin my fun) including the pillar of communism that General Claus does not abide by: anti-materialism (the opposition of the ownership and its prioritization). The General (as I now like to call him) certainly promotes materialism in the home with all the gifts and the inevitable fight (largely between siblings) over collectivization vs individual ownership in these new possessions in the home. The popularity of Santa in the Free World during the cold war does nothing to help my argument, which brings us to another possibility.

This may come as a surprise, but several documentaries and news article have already exposed Santa's oppression and union-busting techniques when it comes to his slaves elfs. This can be seen in movies such as Elf and of course, Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer (which not only highlights oppression of ideas, but also the widespread discrimination at the North Pole). Union-busting generally (but not necessarily) indicates conservatives leaning stemming from the free-market principles that are so near and dear to the Republican Party. Furthermore, the reward for good behavior also reflects conservative principles of hard work constituting pay instead of getting pay regardless of the work quality (minimum wage) (extremely generalized). The largest discrepancy with the idea of a Grand Old Kringle is the free trade argument, in the past the Republican party was largely in favor of free trade, but has recently become much more protectionist with tariffs and what not. It is likely that Santa Claus would be a proponent of free trade to allow for easier gathering of materials, and this view would certainly conflict with much of the GOP and could lead to a rift between the two with massive geo-political implications.

While we don't know for sure whether Mr. Kringle is a republican or a communist, it is clear that he has been furthering his political agenda for decades with his domination of nearly an entire month in the commercial spotlight (be weary of Capital One: Banking Reimagined). Regardless, of what the red suited old man thinks, always remember "it makes a lot more sense to write an article about a holiday over 2 weeks after it happens". Thank you and good night.

P.S. This is article was only written because Andrew threatened to send Patrick to my house, but jokes on him, he's already in my closet.

Written and Edited by Fritz Smith

This is pretty self-explanatory.

Written and Edited by Fritz Smith