Emotional Groundwork

"All racism, both blatant and subtle, is rooted in emotions. Emotions are not logical. . .However, when people can intentionally access and unload the feelings underlying racism, greater progress is made and efforts to eliminate racism are more sustainable. " –Russ Vernon Jones, from "We All Have Feelings About Race and Racism"

Strong emotions can be difficult to navigate. There is a natural human tendency to avoid things that make us feel bad. Typically, anything associated with racism can result in "bad" feelings, specifically sadness, anxiety, anger, guilt, defensiveness, hopelessness, and/or feeling overwhelmed. When these difficult topics arise, they are commonly avoided, denied, minimized, dismissed, or ignored in order to avoid those feelings. However, with emotional awareness and an acceptance of discomfort, we can open up other possibilities and other courses of action.

This section is going to encourage you to specifically be aware of emotions that will make you uncomfortable. It is important to approach this work with that knowledge and that, when those feelings arise, you open up to them and stay engaged. The emotional response of acceptance needs to be conscious and intentional in order to combat your emotional reaction of avoidance. Talking directly about race and racism is stressful for most of us. If we let the discomfort define our actions, we will never grow.

Your task is to get curious in noticing the discomfort and actions it causes. Notice your discomfort. Practice noticing. Notice all of the smart defensive responses that occur to you and don’t say them. Lean in to your feelings instead. The more you can understand and make room for these challenging emotions, the more room you'll have to direct your actions freely.

Most people are familiar with general intelligence, which is an ability to learn, apply knowledge, and solve problems. Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, manage, and express one's emotions and to handle a variety of interpersonal situations in an intelligent, judicious, and empathetic manner. The ability to know yourself and understand the emotions of others can have a positive impact on your relationships and help you succeed in every area of life.

Five elements define emotional intelligence:

Emotional intelligence is a trait that some come by naturally but it can also be learned with practice. Improving your interactions with others is one way to learn emotional intelligence. Make a concerted effort to put yourself in other’s shoes. By doing so, it’ll be easier to empathize with their situations and understand why they respond in certain ways.

Another way to build emotional intelligence is to practice humility and let others have a chance to shine for their accomplishments. Learn how to achieve your goals without attention or praise. Additionally, work on improving how you handle difficult situations. If you often become upset, stressed, or angry, practice staying calm. Ask yourself a few questions to understand the root of your emotions. Remaining calm might necessitate walking away from a situation or taking deep breaths.

The key is learning how to control your emotions, and not let your emotions control you.

Watch the video below: Valorie Burton explains the difference between reacting and responding to negative emotions.

A reaction is instant. It’s driven by the beliefs, biases, and prejudices of the unconscious mind. When you say or do something “without thinking,” that’s the unconscious mind running the show. A reaction is based in the moment and doesn’t take into consideration long term effects of what you do or say. A reaction is survival-oriented and on some level a defense mechanism. It might turn out okay but often a reaction is something you regret later.

A response on the other hand usually comes more slowly. It’s based on information from both the conscious mind and unconscious mind. A response will be more “ecological,” meaning that it takes into consideration the well-being of not only you but those around you. It weighs the long term effects and stays in line with your core values.

A reaction is about the moment whereas a response is about the outcome. They may look alike but they usually feel different. Having emotional intelligence elevates a reaction to a response.

Practicing good emotional intelligence can often help you break your worst communication habits so that others receive your message in the best way possible. For example, have you said something recently that you wish you could take back? Curbing that tendency is easier said than done but there's a quick "three question method" that can prevent you from saying something you'll later regret.

Comedian Craig Ferguson devised "three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything:"

1. Does this need to be said?

2. Does this need to be said by me?

3. Does this need to be said by me now?

Ferguson jokes that it took him three marriages to learn that lesson but it is one that can be applied to all manner of relationships and even to difficult discussion topics, such as race and racism.

Of course, there are times when speaking up is appropriate and the answer to all three questions will be a resounding yes — even when what we need to say isn't comfortable for us or the recipient. When those times come, the three question method will help you speak with confidence and learn to be assertive when it counts.

In order to create real positive change toward equity, people must be able to share their stories. The challenges when entering into a discussion about race and racism are very different across racial spectrums. There is a lot of fear around being triggered/insulted or of saying the wrong thing. Most of these can be assuaged through open, honest communication and engaging your emotional intelligence. Please enter into these sessions with an open mind and the knowledge that everyone is participating in order to improve our shared culture and workspace.

A good place to start a difficult conversation is to acknowledge its difficulty and validate the other person’s feelings, whether it’s shock, sadness, anger, confusion, or shared discomfort. Second, get curious and ask open questions to better understand the other person’s viewpoints. Doing so with a compassionate tone can help the other party speak without fear of judgment, and by showing that respect, they will hopefully do the same for you. Phrasing responses as “it seems as though you feel this way,” “out of curiosity, why do you feel that way” or “that’s an interesting point, but I have a few questions about that” can help break down the emotional barriers to discussing uncomfortable topics, so the other person doesn’t feel defensive in explaining themselves.

Watch the video below: Brené Brown explores what can happen when people confront their shame head-on.

1. Take the next 30 seconds to list all the possible advantages of going through an anti-racism program. What are the top 3 good things you hope to achieve through this training?

2. It is possible this program will make you feel unexpected emotions. What is the first thing you can do to respond to an emotion instead of reacting to it?

3. Another way to prepare to navigate unexpected emotions is building an emotional response tool kit. For each of the emotions below, please write out a one to two sentence response on how you would advise yourself to respond to that emotion: sadness, guilt, anger, shame, overwhelmed, panic, disappointment, hopelessness.

4. Think of an experience where you could have benefitted from applying the "Three Questions" technique listed above. How did the situation improve when you applied those questions? What feelings contributed to the original outcome? How would those feelings be different if you had applied the "Three Questions" technique?

5. Practice empathy by asking someone how they are doing and listen to their answer. Bring a sense of curiosity by asking more questions in an attempt to understand the deeper meanings of their experience.