Save the world

Saving the world

I can tell you exactly why zippers with fewer than a total of 47 teeth are an epidemic that have been plaguing this country and others and why they need to be banned from all public places. This problem has flew under the radar of mosts governments for a very long time now. They have not put together the correlations between high crime rates, a lack of charitable acts or donations from rich people, and of course youth cancer rates. They have yet to see how exactly these things connect to zippers with fewer than 47 teeth. But I did, and I can explain to you each and every connection in detail.

First of all we have to talk about youth cancer rates. Did you know that people between the ages of 13 and 1 month and 15 and 5 months old have a 100% chance to get cancer. The only reason we aren’t dead already is because most of these are slow moving cancers and therefore don’t show symptoms for a very long time. The reason this is guaranteed is because this is a ripe age to wear a jacket with fewer than 47 teeth and since people of this age are congregated so closely on an almost daily basis in an event called school they (even if not wearing them themselves) are forced to be exposed to at the very least one a day. The reason this is bad is because all products that are made with fewer than 47 teeth are made by a machine that uses nuclear fission power. This is great for heating up the small metal rod that heats the metal into a liquid then they put plutonium isotope 34 into it. They put small amounts but since the distributor machine is incredibly faulty and some teeth might just have a larger amount of plutonium. If you didn’t know researchers at Washington University have discovered that mixing iron and this specific plutonium isotope can lead to a devastating reaction on the atomic level. This reaction emits a wave with a wavelength matching that of a microwave. This wave can slowly vibrate the molecules of water inside of you this in turn heats your interior up to five degrees above body temperature. This makes the immune system incredibly susceptible to cancer. But this zipper also emits trace amounts of a virus that can mutate to cancer but is a very slow working virus. As you can tell from the extensive reports from Washington University and our statistics that were gathered by Yale, this needs to be stopped.

Another problem this would solve is the lack of donations to charitable organizations from upper class citizens that could easily afford to donate. This would happen because if all of these types of jackets were removed from earth the rich people wouldn’t be disappointed in their children as much because they would never see them wear this type of jacket or use a purse or another small zippered object. This would raise overall moral among them because they could finally feel proud of their children. With this new sense of pride they would know what it is like to not be depressed. Knowing this newfound feeling they would want others to feel the same way. Thus increasing charitable donations to people who need it to sustain a happy and fulfilling life without dying of things like hunger or thirst etc. Never giving a single penny to anyone but themselves, these rich people would try to find an organization, this is how we get rid of all of these accessories with zippers that have fewer than 47 teeth. We will gain funding from the rich people and we will launch them into space slowly in large piles. We cannot risk disposing of them any other way for fear of contamination. The donations will start out slowly and but you can be assured that they will get larger as they feel happiness again.

Lastly we must mention how and why this would ensure a safe and easy way to stop crime. The decrease in crime could in part be related to the increase in donations in charity. But also because, as we know all crime has motive. But recent discoveries have led almost all researchers to believe that when someone is angry being around a certain animal called a pufferfly can reduce the anger by about 76%. Scientists still debate the number but we know that it greatly reduces stress and violent tendencies. For example in the case of James Howards, he was a driver for a recent bank robbery. His associates went into the bank and stoll 3.1 million dollars. But what they didn’t know was that a pufferfly was in one of the bags. After just 5 minutes James changed his course and gave all of the money to the police and he and the bank robbers walked into a holding cell. Only after ten minutes they found themselves enraged and bewildered by what had happened. Unfortunately for us these creatures are incredibly rare. There used to be millions of them but the plutonium used in zipper with fewer than 47 teeth has proven to stop them from growing. In other words these zippers are stunting their growth making them live shorter lives and not be as powerful. If we remove all of these we still have a chance at saving this species and that would make the world a better place with less crime.

I personally have no idea why these abominations have not been outlawed entirely. You can see what zippers with less than 47 teeth have brought to this planet, now with your help we can solve many problems. Your help is needed if we ever want to end this. You can help in many ways, the first and most obvious way would be to immediately gather everything you own with zippers that have fewer than 47 teeth, this way you can have them all in a pile. To properly dispose of them you have to either put them in a vacuum chamber or you can devise a pyrotechnic alloy that will properly burn them. To do this get a ping pong ball and put it in a jar that is filled 1/10 with nail polish remover. You will get a glue like substance that will burn at the exact temperature needed to dispose of these objects. You then use a paint brush and thoroughly paint every inch of the object then set it alight. By doing this you will contribute to help decrease cancer rates, it will increase donations to charities and bring back pufferflys thus leading to the downfall of crime itself.