Stages of Transition

In a certain sense, life for everyone is a series of transitions – a “passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another.” Each transition changes something in our lives. While this information is relevant both to leaving home and returning, it may be especially helpful as you prepare to say goodbye to your host country and come back to the U.S. Basically each transition experience goes through these five predictable stages: Involvement, Leaving, Transition, Entering, and, finally, Reinvolvement.

1. Involvement Stage

We barely recognize this first stage of transition because life seems too normal to be a “stage”. We feel settled and comfortable, knowing where we belong and how we fit in. Under ideal circumstances, we recognize we are an intimate part of our community and are careful to follow its customs and abide by its traditions so that we can maintain our position as a valued member.

Involvement is a comfortable stage for those around us as well. People hear our name and instantly picture our face and form. They know our reputation, history, talents, tastes, interest, and our place in the political and social network.

2. Leaving Stage

One day, life begins to change. We learn we will be leaving, and deep inside we begin to prepare. At first we may not realize what is going on. We begin loosening emotional ties, backing away from the relationships and responsibilities we have had.

While it may be normal – and perhaps necessary – to begin to detach at some level during this stage, it is often confusing as well to both our friends and ourselves. This detachment can produce anger and frustration in relationships that have been close.

Unless we consciously choose to maintain and enjoy relationships and roles as long as possible, at some point all of us will back away in one form or another. It’s part of the state of denial that comes during the leaving stage as we unconsciously try to make the leaving as painless as we can. Other forms of self-protective denials surface as well.

Denial of Feelings of Sadness or Grief and Rejection

As friends plan for future events we suddenly realize they are talking around us. We feel like we’ve become invisible. Failing to acknowledge that we are beginning to feel like outsiders (and that it hurts) only increases the chances that we will act inappropriately during this stage. We may not realize it but as we’re loosening our ties to the community, it’s loosening its ties to us.

Denial of “Unfinished Business”

The closer we come to separation, the less likely we are to reconcile conflicts with others. We talk ourselves out of mending the relationship, unrealistically hoping that time and distance will heal it – or at least produce amnesia. The unfortunate reality is that we arrive at our next destination with this unfinished business clinging to us and influencing new relationships. Bitterness in one area of our lives almost always seeps out in another.

Denial of Expectations

To prevent disappointment or fear, we may deny anything we secretly hope for. We presume that if we have no expectations, we can’t be disappointed. In reality, however, we all have expectations for every event in our lives. When they are too high, we’re disappointed. When they’re too low, we create fear, anxiety, or dread for ourselves.

3. Transition Stage

This stage is at the heart of the transition process. It begins the moment we leave one place and ends when we not only arrive at our destination but make the decision, consciously or unconsciously, to settle in and become part of it. It’s a stage marked by one word – chaos! Schedules change, new people have new expectations and living involves new responsibilities, but we haven’t yet learned how everything is supposed to work.

A severe loss of self-esteem sets in during this transition stage. Even if we physically look like adults, emotionally we feel like children again. Initially, the community may welcome us warmly – even overwhelmingly. But in every culture the newcomer is still exactly that – and newcomers by definition don’t yet fit in.

We discover it’s not as easy as we thought it would be to make close friends. It's easy to become resentful and begin to withdraw. This type of withdrawal results in more feelings of isolation and alienation, for it continues to cut us off from any hope of making new friends.

4. Entering Stage

During this stage life is no longer totally chaotic. We have made the decision that it is time to become part of this new community: we just have to figure out how to do it. During this stage of transition we still feel rather vulnerable and a bit tentative. We also feel a lot of ambivalence. During this stage we need a good mentor, someone to answer our questions and to guide our learning. Hope begins to grow that we will, in fact, one day have a sense of belonging to this community.

5. Reinvolvement Stage

And then the day finally comes. We may not be native to that community, but we can ultimately belong. We have learned new ways and know our position in the community. Other members of the group see us as one of them, or at least they know where we fit in. We have a sense of intimacy, a feeling that our presence matters to the group. We feel secure. Time again feels present and permanent as we focus on the here and now rather than hoping for the future or constantly reminiscing about the past.

This is the normal process of transition. Knowing about the various stages doesn’t keep them from happening, but it does help us to not be surprised by what happens at each stage, to recognize we are normal and to be in a position to make the choices that allow us to gain from the new experiences we encounter while dealing productively with the inevitable losses of any transition experience.

Source: The Third Culture Kid Experience Growing Up Among Worlds

by David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken

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