Emotional Regulation

While children are growing and maturing, they learn to navigate their own emotions through trial and error. When a child is angry, sad, mad, scared or even tired, the way they may not have all of the skill necessary to feel safe and secure or may use coping mechanisms that we find inappropriate. As an adult, some of these different coping mechanisms can be alarming or upsetting. It can be difficult to work with students when they feel overwhelmed by their own feelings. It begs the question, how do we, as adults, teachers, and mentors, help children learn to self-regulate? When you begin to think about broaching this topic, consider the following framework:

1. Identify: We all have moments when we don’t know how to describe accurately exactly how we feel, so we shouldn’t be alarmed when children feel this way as well. When a child is crying, we often hear adults ask, “What happened?” or “How are you feeling?” This step of giving a child the space to share the experience and their resulting feelings is a powerful first step in helping them work through that emotional moment. Helping the child name that feeling too, is powerful and necessary. Over time and with experience, children learn and embrace the vocabulary they need to describe their feeling states, both complex and simple. This takes time and continued exposure, but even when the right vocabulary is available, there are times when young children are not ready or able to identify exactly how they are feeling. Sometimes the words aren’t quite there or the problem the child is dealing with feels overwhelming. If someone isn’t ready to explain their feelings, it is important to let them know that is okay. In those situations, it can be powerful to work backwards with the child to find out what might have led to this moment.

2. Normalize: When an adult acknowledges that they notice a child’s emotional response with a statement such as “You are showing me that this has made you upset,” or “I can see that you have strong feelings about this problem,” this can go a long way in developing a child’s emotional awareness. Letting children know that their feelings and emotions are not only normal, but also accepted, helps validate their experience and creates a sense of safety. It can feel scary and overwhelming to have a very strong or unfamiliar emotion. Normalizing the emotion can be something as simple as saying, “It’s okay to feel this way.” Consider giving a personal anecdote about when you felt this way or retell a familiar moment in a story when the characters felt the same so the child knows they are not alone.

3. Process: Once feelings are identified and normalized, it’s time to practice strategies to process and cope in order to move toward self-regulation - our ability to monitor and manage our energy states, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in ways that are acceptable and produce positive results such as well-being, loving relationships, and learning. When we see a child that is upset, present them with a few different methods that they can use to self-regulate. While you are doing this, it’s also important to recognize expressions of emotion that are not helpful. If you distinguish between helpful expressions, like looking for comfort, reading a book, or even crying, and inappropriate ways, such as hitting or biting, then the child can begin to identify strategies that will work for them. While you are helping the child it may be helpful to give them “I” statements: When I am feeling sad, sometimes I need a hug. When I’m feeling frustrated, sometimes I go for a walk or do yoga. These “I” statements help reassure but also gives them the opportunity to choose something that will work for them. A few helpful things to consider:

• Cozy Corner: The cozy corner is a place that children can choose to go if they feel like it might help to “take a break”. Introduce the corner ahead of time and leave a place in your home where it can live. This isn’t a punitive tool. That’s to say, this is not “take a timeout” or “go sit in the corner.” Instead, this method let’s a child decide when they feel like it would be beneficial to have some space for themselves.

• Breathing exercises: Practice things like Volcano Breathes, Square Breathing, or other meditation and breathing exercises to bring body and mind into alignment. Breathing exercises help restore a sense of calm which not only helps calm, but also helps a child get to the point where they can suggest solutions to their problem.

• Incorporating body movement: When children get dysregulated, they may have too many thoughts swirling around in their head. A way to address this is to focus on body movement, which increases blood flow to the brain and activates the child’s muscles and joints. Movement helps a child to process and often release emotions, and reestablishes the important brain-body connection. Jump on a trampoline, do some heavy lifting work, run around the block, invert your body, or dance it out.

• Find nourishment: To be hangry is real! Often getting a snack or a drink of water helps to calm and regulate a child. Emotions are more intense and immediate when a child has low blood sugar or is feeling a little dehydrated. Grab an apple or string cheese and fill a glass with water. Take a break from the activity to cool down and fuel up.

The bulk of emotional regulation work cannot be done “on the spot.” When a child is caught up in an emotional moment, it is difficult to embrace or understand new concepts that have not been introduced before. Research on the brain shows that when faced with overwhelming feelings of anger, fear or frustration, the brain is flooded with cortisol, which fogs up the key parts of our brain responsible for decision-making and learning. Without front-loading and previewing emotional regulation strategies, your young child will have a difficult time recalling and employing these strategies at the moment you want them to practice. Make sure to give your child plenty of opportunities to integrate these concepts before you expect them to use them. Role play with your child, read social emotional-themed books, and have open discussions in which your child is given a chance to share their own coping strategies. Emotions (big and small) are perfectly natural as part of the human journey (young and old), so it’s important to build up resilience and ways to regulate before they are feeling that way. It’s important to remember that while we know these moments can be difficult for children, they can also feel overwhelming, stressful, or scary for us, as adults. Recognize within yourself that if you are calm and ready to do the emotional work, it is reassuring and calming for your child. Be calm, be compassionate, and be understanding.