PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY M. PEN VIA CANVA.AI

Originally published June 6, 2025

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

   As the end arrives, the sole victor stands atop a hill of desks and chairs, victorious against their opponent. Well, before everything collapsed beneath them seconds later.

   Everything changed when principal Mr. Brown decided to start the Famished Games last year. In the previous year, seventh-grade social studies teacher Ms. Koenig was the first victor of the games, and gained immunity from being chosen this year.

   “I feel shunned, not being allowed to partake,” Koenig said. “As a victor, I should have the ability to still participate.”

   The competition was fierce this time around, the tributes quickly thinned down into the final ten tributes; five students and five teachers. Among them, eighth-grade slang teacher Ms. Nouser was a fierce opponent who eliminated four of the tributes.

   “I will win this competition, although I am disappointed to be eliminating my own students,” Nouser said. “There is no price I won’t pay for not paying the bills, though.”

   Ten tributes quickly dwindled to five. Kitchen Science teacher Ms. Knaus was the first to be eliminated, lured off of the school grounds with baked treats, eventually recovered in a nearby alleyway several weeks after the games.

   “It was interesting to say the least,” An anonymous guard said. “The treats did look delectable, though. I see why someone would be drawn to them.”

   Eighth-grade science teacher Ms. Cameron and PE teacher Mr. Emmons teamed up, however when they both fell asleep seventh-graders Prad Bite and Narilym Ronmoe pushed them into a nearby classroom and locked the door, eliminating the pair.

   “I was thrilled by this!” Ronmoe said. “The chance of no homework is something you never see. Eliminating the two teachers was an easy choice.”

   Eighth-grader Kravis Telce and sixth-grader Adeel were eliminated from the games via bribery from Mr. Brown. For a few dozen vouchers for the Dog House, Adeel and Telce left the games.

   “I personally don’t see any bad thing from this. It’s free snacks after all,” Telce said, countered by Adeel afterwards. “It feels wrong to have these vouchers for basically nothing. I took them only because my friends were encouraging me to.”

   Narilym Ronmoe and Prad Bite worked together to capture the two remaining teachers, Ms Nouser and computer virus downloading teacher Mr. Keep. However, Narilym Ronmoe forced Prad Bite to choose who to eliminate and who to let free for the time being. Prad Bite didn’t make a decision so Narilym Ronmoe took it into her own hands, throwing Prad Bite into a classroom with three bottles of water and a Crashco Rotisserie chicken.

   “I did what I had to do, and that unfortunately came to eliminate my friend,” Ronmoe said, a singular tear running down her face.

   The teachers escaped, however Narilym Ronmoe tracked down Ms. Nouser, who went to the band room and trapped her in the practice room hallway. After several days, Mr. Keep broke his hip after he competed against Ronmoe in extreme ironing atop a stack of desks and chairs, so he forfeited and allowed Ronmoe to win.

   “I’ll be fine in a few weeks, only a little damage,” Mr. Keep said.

   Seconds after, the stack collapsed, causing Ronmoe to be crushed by the immense weight. Ronmoe was rushed to the hospital with several broken bones and bruises.

   “She’ll likely be fine, minus the weeks of physical therapy,” An anonymous nurse said, quickly followed by Narilym Ronmoe. “Other than the bills, it isn’t too bad.”