THE SECRET OF MR. WARRING REVEALED

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY J. NGUYEN VIA CANVA & BRITANNICA. 

Originally published June 6, 2024

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

   Journalism and eighth-grade ELA teacher, Mr. Warring, has supposedly been reported to be acting a bit "suspicious" at school lately. Almost like "Bigfoot," as seventh-grader and current student of Mr. Warring, Ian Deliar describes.

   “Yep, Mr. Warring’s definitely been acting a bit off lately. I’d even go as far to say that he’s been looking off lately too,” Deliar says.

   Deliar describes Mr. Warring to have an unusual amount of hair on his knuckles, an awfully large shoe size, and with no “disrespect” Deliar says beforehand; looks like a shaved ape anyways.

   After Ian's interview, his brother, Kevin, an eighth-grader and former student of Mr. Warring, was asked to be interviewed as well for a second opinion.

   “If I had to say, Mr. Warring is definitely as weird as Ian describes. It’s like every passing day I see him in the hallways, the more hair I see on that body. Ian sees it on his knuckles, but nobody talks about his neck! Please, somebody go buy Mr. Warring a razor or something to shave this man’s neck. It gives me the shivers when I think of all that hair that sticks to and rubs around the inside of your clothes,” Kevin says.

   An article from BigfootFactsorSomething.com, named Characteristics of Bigfoot, also confirms the resemblance between the appearance of Mr. Warring and of Bigfoot, as the article describes Bigfoot to have “a tremendous amount of hair nearly everywhere on his body, along with massive feet,” supporting Ian and Kevin’s correlations.

   Not so long after Ian and Kevin's interviews, Mr. Warring was also able to be interviewed about this matter. Mr. Warring ended up confirming and releasing the truth that he is indeed Bigfoot. Mr. Warring claims to feel free and even glad now the truth is out.

   “Oh, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders – well, aside from the constant weight of all this fur! It's refreshing to finally step out of the woods and into the spotlight. Maybe now I can land a shampoo commercial!  Frankly, I'm extremely excited to wear open-toed shoes for the first time.” Mr. Warring says in response to this controversy.

   It also appears Mr. Warring is quite old—very old, in fact; as he says that “I’ve been keeping this under wraps for, oh, just a few millennia. You know, playing hide and seek is much more intense when you've got the whole world looking for you!”

   Mr. Warring also described his future plans on what to do with his “Bigfoot” identity. “I might slow down on the mysterious forest wanderings—a creature’s got to evolve, after all. But I'll always have a special place in my heart (and my oversized footprint) for the woods,” He says. “I am who, I am. Life has become a little more easy for a Bigfoot now. “

   So, with this, if you ever see a big ape in the woods, just know that maybe it’s Mr. Warring on a stroll.