COURTESY OF UNSPLASH.COM BY P.CHU VIA CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

Originally published June 6, 2024

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

   “I feel personally attacked when teachers make eye-contact with me,” said eighth-grader Josef Pferdkoph. “Eye contact is a sign of aggression in cats.” 

   Many of MBMS’ students have been canceling their teachers for a number of reasons. Whether these reasons are simply allegations or not, one particular social media account has been on a rampage of cancellation.

   There have been reports of an anonymous student creating a social media account known as BobbyCancelsPeople. Since the account has been created, 23 teachers and 310 students have been canceled. This epidemic has thus far been known as the Cancelation Apocalypse, the apocalypse is also known as “the end of the world” by many students.

   “I was canceled two days ago for showing my students a Bill Nigh video,” seventh-grade science teacher, Mr. Nigh said. “ My students called me self-absorbed. I guess I have to make an apology video now.”

   Since Bobby has started their account over 200 apology videos have been posted on various apps such as Instagram, Youtube, and TikTok. Each apology video consists of an average of 4 minutes straight of crying, the rest of the video is typically the person claiming that they are innocent and begging for forgiveness.

   “I swear I never meant any harm when I asked John Chalmers how his day was,” choir and drama teacher, Ms. Swyft said in her apology video. “How was I supposed to know that he had a hang-nail?!”

   So far, many other teachers have suffered from allegations of assigning homework on weekends, asking students to answer a question when their hand was down, and even asking their students if they could borrow a pencil.

  “If I knew that asking the band to write down the missing dynamics would result in me being canceled, I would have never asked,” Band and music survey teacher Mr. John said. “I never knew that encouraging my band to use proper dynamics could result in me being canceled.”

   Many students and teachers alike have been wondering the same thing, how does one avoid being canceled? 

   The answer is quite simple. It is impossible. So far, every teacher who has avoided being canceled has ceased coming to school. However, even though this has worked so far. Many students have grown annoyed that they are falling behind other classes. 

   BobbyCancelsPeople has recently posted that the absent teachers will be the next victims of their cancellation assault. So if you are currently not canceled or are suffering from having to create an apology video, remember that everyone will be canceled at least once.