COURTESY OF PRIME. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY D. IGNATEV. COURTESY OF CANVA.

Originally published June 6, 2024

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

   Crime Dehydration is currently being investigated by the ADF  because of dangerously high caffeine levels.

   “Crime Dehydration is a very healthy energy drink that has caffeine and coconut water," Pogan Laul said.

   Crime Dehydration is a popular hydration drink among middle schoolers created by Pogan Laul and ISK that has an absurd amount of caffeine but almost no coconut water.

   “When I went to breakfast with a Crime bottle, someone tried to buy it from me for 20 dollars," seventh-grader Hamuel Syshkun said.

   Crime Dehydration is taking over schools, with students getting rid of their normal water bottles and replacing them with neon-colored mixtures also known as new Crime flavors.

   “Some students treat Crime Dehydration like a status symbol or currency,”seventh-grader Issac Cho said.

   The new "supercharged" version of Crime Dehydration came out which has double the caffeine and double the artificial sweeteners.

   “We want to stop resellers from reselling Crime Dehydration drinks for a big markup,” ISK said.

   Different students have different opinions on reselling Crime, but one student in particular made over $1,000 reselling the hydration drink.

   “It was very easy, I just had to come to school with a new Crime flavor that has not been released in any in-person stores,” Syshkun said.

   The popularity of Crime Dehydration has created a new trend among students, who are now starting to make their own versions of Crime in hopes of profiting off the copies.

   “I'm not sure how Pogan Laul and ISK are going to deal with angry parents, hyper children, and copies,” Cho said.

   Despite the ADF's investigation and parents' growing concerns, Pogan Laul and IKS remain unfazed.

   “The best way to deal with controversy is to just ignore it until it cools off by itself,” Pogan Laul said.

   Something that you should never do is make a very bad apology video and ignore all of the criticism.

   “We are just giving the people what they want,” IKS said. “It's not our fault that parents are letting their kids consume energy drinks.”

   As the controversy rages on, one thing is clear, Crime Dehydration has left its mark on kids all ages, at schools and homes, and even in different countries.