STAFF SUMMER LIFE EXPOSED

PHOTO BY R. BISCALDI VIA UNSPLASH

Originally published June 6, 2025

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

   Have you ever wondered what teachers do during summer break? Do they plan the demise of next year’s students? Create impossible homework assignments that will surely ruin a student’s day? Fortunately, no. Well, maybe some do. Instructional specialist Mrs. Walker tells students of her secret life during the summer.

   “[I always wanted] to be a fortune cookie writer by day and mattress tester by night,” Walker said.

   Even MBMS staff dream of a different life where they’re free of the sixth graders running in the halls, seventh graders screaming brainrot, eighth graders pulling each other’s hairs out in the hall during a “fight”, and a life where the ‘F’ students don’t exist. 

   "I figured if I can't escape the chaos in the halls, I might as well stir it into some orange chicken — at least fortune cookies don’t talk back," Mrs. Walker said.

   Mrs. Walker actually works for Sanda Rexpress to create the mysterious notes inside their fortune cookies. She seems to have a hidden talent for reading stranger’s futures even though she’s never met them. This job pays well too with an average rate of $39 an hour?!

   "Turns out, my hidden talent is writing life-changing advice for strangers in 12 words or less — and the best part? Fortune cookies don’t roll their eyes or ask, ‘Is this on the test?’" Walker vocalized.

   After an exhausting day of foreseeing the strange futures of other people just trying to enjoy a cookie, Mrs. Walker really needs a refreshing nap. Luckily for her, she’s a professional sleeper. Literally! SHE GETS PAID TO SLEEP! Isn’t that everyone’s dream… At a whopping $30 an hour, Mrs. Walker is able to make $300+ every night by sleeping for 10 hours. To put that into perspective, there are less than 7% of Americans who can make $300 a day — well technically night for Mrs. Walker.

   "Teaching trained me well — if I can sleep through a fire drill, a hallway stampede, and a kid yelling ‘I forgot my Chromebook!’ then yes, I’m absolutely qualified to be a professional sleeper. Dream job: unlocked," Walker said.

   Mrs. Walker makes a lot of money and is able to stay home most of the day? Sounds like a great summer, the perfect time to use up all her hard earned on a vacation to the Caribbeans! Where Ms. Millang is waiting to scam her…. 

During the summer, students may think she’s planning her next test for the first week of school to make sure her new seventh graders don’t pass, but she’s actually in the Caribbeans scamming tourists? 

   “[I am actually] the person on the beach in the Caribbean that places birds on people's shoulders for photos,” Millang admits, “People will pay up to $500 for a photo with my spectacular rare birds and my dog Bennett.”

   While Mrs. Walker makes her money by using her talents to write fortunes and sleep, Ms. Millang works equally as hard, making her victim’s wallets cry. If you’re wondering if what she does is legal; yes, yes it is. So do not fear sixth graders, you will have her as your teacher next year. Be excited, but don’t think about exposing Ms. Millang. All the important people already know.

   “Just last year I had two previous students trying to claim my precious birds were fake. I had to have Mr. Warring post pictures of my birds and I on the beach in the yearbook to prove them wrong,” said Millang. 

   From writing fortunes, to sleeping, to scamming unknowing tourists, Mrs. Walker and Ms. Millang create the perfect summer bucket list that other staff are jealous of. Way to go! Let’s hear it for our amazing, well accomplished, multi-talented staff!