COURTESY OF OHIO DEPARTMENT OF NATURAL RESOURCES VIA CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

Originally published June 12, 2023

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

   Ever since the true story based movie about a bear getting into…uhm…addictive substances hit the screens, people have been complaining about how children will react to the horror movie being shown. So, more kid-friendly adaptations have been made to let kids view the comedy-horror while still being PG. 

  One notable PG adaption was "Essential Oils Opossum." A comedic and heartfelt film, called a masterpiece by audiences, and a professional trash fire by critics.

  When this movie was released in theaters on May 32,  many middle-aged women in Utah gave scathing reviews about it personally insulting them and their MLM ( Multi-level  Marketing) culture. 

  “It was outrageously incorrect!” Mother of four  Chanel Spencer said online. “Personally, I feel attacked. I am a distributor for koTERRA, and I can tell you that this is NOT TRUE, you ARE your own boss!” 

  The main villain in this movie is koTERRA [co-tear-a], the Multi-level Marketing Scheme that has roped this poor opossum named Snuffles O’pposumer into a never-ending spiral of buying oils for every poor thing going on in her life. Spearmint oils for headaches, lavender to relieve the stress of daily life, rose oil for her anxiety, and cinnamon for sore throat. 

  “The best thing about this movie is that it’s a reflection of real life. I remember when my mother bought from koTERRA, it was almost exactly as the movie portrays,” Professional reviewer Vanessa NotLiddicoat said. 

The plot starts when Snuffles comes across a package in the woods that had fallen from a delivery plane. That package contained a note and an assortment of oils, peppermint, frankincense, myrrh, and many more. She gets hooked after smelling one of the containers of oil and chaos ensues. 

  “When I was in the theater watching it, I couldn’t even process what I was watching. I was like, ‘Someone actually made a movie about this?’ Yup, they did.” An anonymous reviewer said. “But, it was so good I can’t even hate it.” 

  With this newfound addiction to essential oils, Snuffles and her family of 10 joeys go on a rampage of stealing oils from people in any means necessary. 

 “My favorite character has to be Park Ranger Sideburns. What a great comedic relief. Also, I think he was gay so he’s just like me!” Seventh-grader Kodyko Gayard said. 

 Park Ranger Sideburns and his fellow co-worker Ann found this opossum rampaging the woods where they worked. They obviously called the cops, and it becomes a whole thing. Teens, vigilantes, cops, reporters, and regular people flooded to the forest to see this MLM-infected opossum in action. 

  “I loved this movie! I just wish opossums were real.  :(” User @VonTron  said online. 

 When they finally get this opossum under control, she gets sent to a zoo in Utah for rehabilitation. The movie ends on a cliffhanger when another package of essential oils falls into the forest. Waiting for a new victim. 

  “Golly gee, yowzers!!! That movie gave me quite a fright! I sure do  hope there isn’t a scarier version of this movie out there somewhere!!” Gayard said.