PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY ABACUS SPORTS

Originally published June 6, 2024

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

   In this dynamic sports industry, disciplines such as basketball, volleyball, and football reign well known and supreme as they capture the audience's time while flourishing rapidly on the global scale. 

   But wait, another sport also known as competitive walking has emerged from the depths and it is making its way across the world, or perhaps just at MBMS. While walking may be perceived as mundane or ordinary compared to other sports, the walking team still manages to turn the  act of walking into a jaw-dropping spectacle. Despite its lack of heroic appeal, the walking team still finds a way to turn the act of walking into a jaw-dropping spectacle.

   The objective of competitive walking is to walk in the shortest amount of time possible, but with a catch of maintaining proper walking speed and form. That’s right, the team is not allowed to run, jog, sprint, or compete at any speed that goes faster than walking. 

   Regardless of their limits, each individual takes their idea of walking seriously especially when walking to an ice cream truck, being late to class, and even while being chased by a dog. 

   When all is said and done, it is the sweat and tears that make their journey worthwhile in relation to their undergo of their 48 hours of rigorous training.

   “Before I train, I eat a lot of food before I start doing my cartwheels and afterward I probably walk or maybe run to eat more food because I feel like I deserve it. My favorites are probably popsicles and tacos,” Phoebe Hates Cheese said. 

   Surprisingly, these driven athletes who seem to have it all may encounter struggles or minor injuries which lead them to actively pursue personal growth. The typical mistakes a competitive walker may come across include receiving an injury from either falling or being two feet away from a taser. Since competitive walkers take their career seriously, they are determined to make the best of their effort and most importantly, walking.

   “After I saw my friend getting tazed mid-competition, I looked down, paralyzed in disbelief, and tied my shoes. I'm done trippin[g],” Jam-Jam Calamari said. 

   Injuries are just the beginning to the devious obstacles this team may face. Competitive walkers not only tackle obstacles, but also grapple onto the worry of being perceived as too fast when someone is ahead of them. This is why they discovered and developed several creative ways to mess up their opponents that sometimes involve the dangerous use of bananas. According to the competitive walking team, around 92.876% of participants experienced slipping on bananas during competition.

   “When someone is ahead of me, I want them to slip and fall on a banana like a cartoon character," PB&Jasmine said. Of course, competitive walking may present its fair share of challenges, but that does not diminish the moments of happiness they find in their routines that bring out their spark and uncontrollable hysteria for competitive walking.

   "One of my favorite parts of being a competitive walker is falling on my back on the high jump pole and breaking my back and the pole,” Jam-Jam said. 

Throughout their careers, the competitive walking team will consistently have respect each other even through the midst of challenges they may encounter because their ability to aid and have each others backs is admirable every day.

   “I live with negative 50,000 aura because I said good job to someone and said the wrong name," Anjlee the Phone Snatcher said.