Principal Announces a ban on Dihydrogen monoxide

COURTESY OF S. BAISCH VIA UNSPLASHED.COM

Originally published June 6, 2024

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

A sudden surge of students and staff at MBMS have decided that Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) should be banned due to the harmful effects it has on humans and the environment. The students have taken action to ban this harmful substance.

DHMO is a odorless, colorless and tasteless liquid that is now found in all parts of the world. Its pollution has spread  into most if not all streams, rivers, lakes, and reservoirs, including in MBMS’s pipes, due to companies dumping waste DHMO into bodies of water.

“From what I know, DHMO pollution has spread to a global extreme,” Shiloh Cone said, “Now I have to worry about accidentally consuming it.”

An advocate of the ban, an eighth grade student Ebony Raisin, has gone to great lengths to convince others to join them in their cause. Currently, their petition has over 600 signatures from MBMS alone.

“DHMO should be banned because of the dangers it possesses,” Ebony said, “Yet, the U.S. Government and the [Center of Disease Control] do not think of it as a substance in need of banning.”

According to DHMO.org, DHMO is a dangerous substance. It is a causative component in thousands of deaths and causes millions of dollars in property damage.

“Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.” DHMO.org states, “Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.”

DHMO, however, is still being used in many places, for it is legal to do so.

"Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used: as an industrial solvent and coolant, in nuclear power plants, in the production of styrofoam, as a fire retardant, in many forms of cruel animal research, in the distribution of pesticides..., as an additive in certain junk-foods and other food products," DHMO.org said.

Ebony has taken her case to the school board in request for a ban. As of right now, Principal Blu has announced that a ban would take place very soon saying that this was for the best of the school and students.

“Banning DHMO is for the best of the school,” Principal Blue said.“After learning of its dangers, I have decided it is best to ban it.”

“DHMO is an invisible killer,” Raisin said. “It was only a matter of time before people learned of its dangers and banned it.”