Part of a poster that Dave Robbins commonly uses to remind people that failure is final. PHOTO ILLUSTRATED BY TITUS B. VIA CANVA

Originally published June 6, 2024

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

   On April 2, Principal Gregory Braun invited Dave Robbins, a popular speaker to the school. Dave Robbins is known to  prevent kids from achieving their previous goals. 

   When we got a chance to interview him he said “My second time I was speaking at a school more specifically Tim Bratous High School, I asked the kids what their dreams were, well one kid I think his name was, Melvin Adreus, he was top of his class, valedictorian, and multiple other awards I’m too lazy to say. He came up and we talked, he told me he was going to Barvard. After we talked I looked at their graduation ceremony, He didn’t even walk at graduation.”

   When we asked Mr. Braun why he invited Robbins he said, “Kids are just getting too smart for us and with our current curriculum we won't be able to teach them something they don’t already know”. This has caused a lot of stress because of teachers running out of materials too soon.

   This smartness epidemic is caused by smartphones, more specifically TokTok. A popular Chinese app that originated for dancing but then started to cause other forms of content such as education to appear and started to teach kids stuff they don't need to know until they are 16. “ When I first got the app I was around eight but after I started to get recommended educational content, I now know how to file my taxes and set up a  401k.” Said 8th-grader Tim Botchuland.

   Mr. Braun thought that was acceptable due to the courses in highschool that are there to teach you how to do things like that. “What's the point of having a class that teaches you how to do your taxes if you already know how to do your taxes?” Braun said. “I brought Robbins in here to try to prevent kids from learning more than they do already by demotivating them. I feel in the long run it may hurt but currently the teachers are starting to lose their marbles and have started to learn from the students.

   Now you may be wondering who would be a demotivational speaker? “When I was a young boy I loved public speaking and helping people so of course I wanted to be a motivational speaker, after I was around eighteen years old I realized that there are so many motivational speakers that exist that would make it so much harder for me to get any money so I decided to do the opposite I started to demotivate people and suddenly I was the talk of the school districts across the country.” Robbins said.

   To round out this article we have some of Robbins favorite things to say during his speeches, "Give Up",

"Stop Trying", "There is no point", "This won't even affect you in the end", "A robot could probably do your job in the future", and "What's the point of trying if you're just going to fail again."