Embedded Files
Laney Boland & Addison Gallaway
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY A. GALLAWAY VIA PIXLR.COM
Originally published May 6, 2022
WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents.
MBMS eighth-grader, Josef Pferdkopf, was recently arrested on April 32, 2022. Pferdkopf was caught skipping school in an attempt to use his fake ID to get into the new R-rated movie “Elmo's World.” His actions then led him to be sentenced to a maximum-security prison.
Pferdkopf attempted to pass as 25-year-old McLovin, who recently starred in the movie “Supergood”, but was quickly identified as a fake due to their difference in facial features.
“I told him to go with someone less famous!” Pferdkopf's older brother, Jonas Pferdkopf said. “He just wouldn’t listen to me!”
Many social media commentators were offended by the fact that Pferdkopf committed such a "ludicrous, low-effort crime", as some described, including movie star McLovin himself.
“Out of all people, why me?' McLovin said. "What did I do to deserve this? I feel cheated. Betrayed. Society is corrupt, and we need change.”
Principal White was astonished when he heard the news of this "unacceptable behavior" from one of his very own students at MBMS.
“I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed,” White said. “I always thought that he was such a nice young gentleman. I hope McLovin and his family are aware that MBMS cannot take responsibility for the actions of our students, though.”
Eyewitness John Chalmers couldn’t believe his eyes at the sight of the arrest. He described his experience as “traumatizing” and strongly disagreed with the extreme measures that the police went to during Pferdkopf’s arrest.
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY L. BOLAND VIA PIXLR.COM, COURTESY OF SHUTTERSTOCK.COM & G. WINSOR
“It was scary," Chalmers said. "I had never seen such a horrific sight. Such a young boy, yet I just stood there, watching as people pulled out their phones and recorded him, laughing. Honestly, why is nobody pointing out how harsh his punishment is?”
Soon after Chalmers’ quote was released to the public, many users shared their disagreement with his statement on popular social media platforms such as Chirper and TikTuk, although most of them were taken down after thousands of reposts due to hate speech and threats.
“I honestly didn’t realize people felt so strongly about this whole fiasco until now,” Chalmers said. “I’ve even been told that I need to post a public apology to ‘make up for my mistakes’.”
Pferdkopf also agreed that his maximum-security prison sentence was “too much.” Even after seeing what happened to Chalmers, he publicly announced that he believed that his punishment was ‘harsh, cruel, and downright demonizing’ to his image.
“Just for wanting to watch Elmo’s World?! Come on, guys!” Pferdkopf said. “The movie wasn’t even worth getting publicly humiliated and spending the rest of my life in prison for identity theft. Whatever that means.”
“I truly hope that my naive younger brother can grow from his mistakes, but it isn’t looking too good for him…” Jonas Pferdkopf said when asked about his brother's situation. “Honestly, how can he be so stupid as to think that he isn’t deserving of this punishment? This is why I’ve always been our mother's favorite child."
The photo above shows Josef Pferdkopf's arrest, being handcuffed by Officer Winsor for using a McLovin ID. The two don't have many physical similarities, and Officer Winsor really had to really seek out the differences to arrest him; Pferdkopf will now spend his life in prison. PHOTO BY L. BOLAND VIA PIXLR.COM WITH COURTESY OF A. GALLAWAY & G. WINSOR
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