Satire: MBMS Students Infected with Contagious Cognitive Disease, Causing Complaints

COURTESY OF PIXYBAY.COM VIA CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

Originally published May 6, 2022

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents.

As of late, students have been coming down with a new illness that has been taking a toll on their cognitive state.

The sickness has been coined as Rhetorical Questions Disease or RQD. RQD preys on tired minds, usually in the morning, planting its virus and leaving the person in a bad mental state onwards.

Symptoms include mockery, low annoyance tolerance, sarcasm, groaning, and explosive diarrhea.

“It started after I listened to the morning announcements,” eighth-grader Stew Dent said. “After they said something like, ‘Do you want to have fun this Saturday?’ I responded with a harsh no and groaned about how no one wanted to show up to whatever event it was.”

Over 98.9% of MBMS’ student population has been infected at least once by the virus. These high numbers have brought the attention of Principle Blue.

“We’re not sure where the virus started or how it became so contagious, but we are doing our best to stop the spread by quarantining those affected,” Blue said.

Seventh-grader Nora Hugh-Man had contracted the virus previously and was one of the first to be cured. This purification was done by watching Toylar Swif cat videos while listening to “Your Geometry” by Ned Sherwalk.

“It was amazing to finally be cured!” Hugh-Man said. “My brain felt so foggy and all I wanted to do was complain.”

New research from the Center for Illness Control(CIC) has shown that RQD is a branch of the Brain Fartosis virus.

“This new finding is what’s getting us closer and closer to preventative measures and possibly a cure to end the disease,” Dr. Oliver Garey said.

Although these new findings may lead to a cure, the disease is highly transmissible and everyone is still cautioned to stay safe.

“I’m being extra careful not to get RQD,” sixth-grader Jenny Chalmers said. “If I do get it I won’t be able to upload content for a week. It’ll put a hole in my schedule, and recently I’ve been making a tutorial video that requires me to be at school.”

As the disease becomes more and more widespread, many have made their own remedies to not catch it. The most common ones are meditation, taking a nap, reading a good book, and realizing that groaning to dumb questions shouldn’t be the bane of your existence.

“My personal treatment is doing handstands any time I start to feel it coming back,” Dent said. “Or I’ll whip out one of my 18 handy dandy fidget spinners. It’s the best when I’m able to see my favorite glow-in-the-dark one when the lights are turned off.”

Due to RQD being transmitted in any environment at any time, most students are now aware of if they contract the disease, feeling a tingling sensation in the back of their brain when they feel as if all they want to do is make exasperated sighs.

“I’m beginning to worry about my student’s self remedies,” WeTube and TikTuk teacher Ms. Couch said. “I can’t with all the lights turning off, the handstands, the prolonged screaming, the bringing and poking a hornet nest, stealing from our class candy jar, taking a break to get their bike and ram into a window. It’s all too much, I just wanted a peaceful class but my students are turning into animals.”