PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY R. GILREATH COURTESY OF RESTAURANTBUSINESSONLINE.COM, VIA CANVA 

Originally published June 6, 2025

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

   In a headline that sounds like it was generated by artificial intelligence, Baco Tell has launched a GoFundy campaign after multiple locations were ‘strategically raided by a group of vicious kangaroos.’

   Yes, real kangaroos.

   According to local police, Baco Tell was ransacked late Tuesday night by what witnesses described as “at least seven buff kangaroos wearing pink fanny packs and black motorcycle jackets.” Surveillance footage shows the ‘animals’ jumping in through the drive-thru window, karate kicking the closing shift workers.

   “I didn’t see them at first, but you could hear them rustling through the drive-thru speaker,” burger maker Sahara Booberry, who happened to be shaking a bottle of ranch for emotional support, said. “Next thing you know I hear, ‘Where’s the Crunchwrap, mate!’ I mean I totally thought it was a prank until Licky Curtains got kicked into the soda machine.”

   One of the marsupial's motorcycle jackets was left at one of the crime scenes. The black leather jacket was chemically tested. Scientists found that there were high amounts of Baja Breeze in the jackets. Possibly being the cause of the whole fiasco. 

   “I guess the sugar and the green food dye got to them,” Baco Tell worker Spaningos Mcflaringos said. 

   More alarmingly, the Kangaroo group has also accusingly taken a DoorBash driver by the name of Justin Pferdekopf who is now presumed to be a hostage.

   “Honestly, they moved like professionals,” Investigator Timmy Braadford said. “Half of the group went to raid the taco shelf, while the other distracted the staff with an interpretive dance; honestly, I would pay to go see that live.”

   Authorities are currently working with both the Aussie Embassy and the Kanga Police to determine whether the kangaroos are part of a larger marsupial crime. Possibly involved with an organized group.

   After multiple requests, all kangaroo members assumed to be associated with these crimes have declined to meet with the press.

   “After these tragic incidents, Baco Tell has taken steps to prevent any of these types of raids from happening again by getting help from the community.” CEO Matcha Chios said. “We sent out a GoFundy titled ‘Justice for the tacos’ hoping for the best result possible.”

   With the 1.3 million dollars, Baco Tell has plans to rebuild the damaged restaurants, provide therapy burritos for traumatized staff members, install kangaroo-proof doors, windows, and locks, and develop a line of sauces that can be used for self-defense in case of emergencies. 

   “We’re not just raising money,” Baco Tell spokesperson Lance Dorito said. “We’re raising awareness about the growing threat of organized marsupial crime.”

   The page also includes an award system of little prizes given to the largest donors. For $10, you receive an “I survived Baco Tell” water bottle sticker. For $50, you receive a Baco Tell gift card with a personally signed boomerang. For $500, you receive a limited edition Baco Tell kangaroo pouch (not made with kangaroo leather, for obvious reasons).

   “I promise that all customers have nothing to worry about when dining at any of our establishments due to the increased kangaroo security systems.” Baco Tell founder Healthy Food said. “Besides, we have a miniature kangaroo action figure now included as the toy on the kids menu that people can enjoy instead of worrying.”