PHOTO BY TYSON VIA UNSPLASH

Originally published June 6, 2024

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

   MBMS has introduced a new program that gives students the opportunity to earn community service hours. The program has been called the “Adopt a Middle School Boy” program, which gives all MBMS students the opportunity to adopt another student for a week. During this week, students must teach whoever they adopted proper hygiene, feed them, and teach them to turn in missing assignments.

   “When I came up with this program, I was trying to find a way to help out all students, not just the ones who wanted their [community service] hours,” John Chalmers, head of the program, said.

   Many students at MBMS have noticed the overwhelming scent of SAW body spray in the halls, a product most commonly used by teen boys.

   “I’m really grateful for the program, I no longer have to wear a gas mask just to go to school!” sixth-grader Stefanie Highway said.

   Many students shared Highway’s sentiment, commenting on how clear the hallways were and how much easier it was to maneuver without a thick cloud of body spray.

   “We’ve been seeing a decrease in hallway accidents after the program was implemented,” security guard Mr. Donut said, “It’s made my job a whole lot easier, I no longer have to give the boys free donuts.”

   Many have been cowering in fear during lunch, hiding from the dreaded question of, “Do you have any food?” Boys everywhere have been harassing their peers in order to gain more food at lunch.

   “At first I thought this would flop, but now I get to eat all my food during lunch!” Highway said.

   Many students have questioned what the program consisted of, and how long it would take for the boys to stop using SAW body spray.

   “I had a great time with Beans, he was very sweet by the end, although it took him a while to warm up to me. Once I gave him my fruit snacks, he became quite friendly,” seventh-grader, Baileigh Leighlooon, a student who participated in the program, said, “He took quickly to the rule of not being able to use SAW body spray, and he started making his own lunches!”

   Students can also volunteer to be adopted, something that very few chose to take on without force at the beginning.

   “Being adopted was a great experience, it saved my grades. Before the program, I had 2,164,568 missing assignments, and I only have 2 now!” Miles Marinara said.

   Although the program was greatly beneficial, some students and staff have had their doubts about its workings.

   “It’s similar to our failed ‘adopt a stranger’ program from a few years prior,” Principal Bacon said, “That didn’t go very well if you could imagine, so I was a little weary of this, but it seems to be going well.”

   Although some had doubts, the impact of this program has shocked the community, with the program even making national news, as well as getting its own Netfloox documentary.

   “This program has meant so much to everyone, which I wasn’t expecting when I started this,” Chalmers said.

   Even the health teacher at MBMS, Mrs. Nelson, has heard of the program, and has praised what it’s done for students. She has been very helpful when it comes to students inquiring about how to take care of their teen.

   “NO! [SAW body spray should not be used.] Horrible fragrance chemicals link to some nasty health disturbances, watch "Stink" they talk about [SAW] specifically in that documentary. I use EWG's Healthy Living app to find clean products that have minimal effects on your body and hormones - no fragrance, parabens, sulfates, petrochemicals, phalates etc,”  Nelson said.