PHOTO COURTESY OF ISTOCKPHOTO.COM VIA CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

Originally published June 12, 2023

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

    For only $2.99 per person and per passing period, students at MBMS can now purchase Professional Hallway Walkers, or PHWs, to act as companions while walking through the hallways. It was agreed by staff that PHWs will improve social, and even academic skills in students.

   “Peer relationships can also help children learn to control their emotions and respond to others appropriately,” Everfi.com said. “Better grades are also among the perks of friendships, as several studies have shown that socially active students often have better academic outcomes at school.”

   During the 2021-2022 school year, a limit of 300 students were allowed to apply as PHW’s. Near the end of the school year, the PHW committee did background research and chose 150 of the most kind, funny, social, extroverted, and funny students to become PHWs. 

   “Last year I applied as a joke, thinking the whole thing was weird, but being voted to become a PHW made me realize how low-key popular I am and now I’m being paid to walk with people,” eighth-grader Cristofher Martinez said. “I’d say it’s a win-win situation.”

   When purchasing a PHW, students are given a roster of the available PHWs; their personalities, interests, class schedules, grade, and their school photo. Students are allowed to hire up to 15 PHWs per passing period, and are encouraged to choose ones whose schedules align with theirs. 

   “On my way from fifth to sixth period, I’ve hired seven PHWs in hopes to impress my crush,” sixth-grader Aseal Smith said. “To be honest, I don’t really pay attention to what we talk about a lot of the time, and all I really want is for my crush to notice how ‘well liked’ I am.”

   If a student or a student's parent fails to pay the subscription on time, they’re PHW will be revoked until the payment is fulfilled.

   “On average, I pay around $700 dollars a month out of my own life savings,” eighth-grader Luna Dal Ray said. “Some may tell me that it’s not worth it and that I can invest my money into things better in the long run, but personally I think it’s worth every penny!”

      Even though many think that this system is great and effective, there will be those who think otherwise, with strong, opposing opinions. 

   “I don’t mean to burst any bubbles, but I think that it’s all odd,” eighth-grade language arts teacher Mr. Warring said. “I think there are better ways to teach kids how to socialize, and I think that hiring fake friends isn’t one of them.”

   The PHW program has overall affected the way students at MBMS view popularity and friends. Whether that be a good, or a bad thing.

   “When I heard about this, I begged my mother to let me transfer to MBMS because I had no friends at my previous school,” an anonymous source said. “Having friends that my mom pays to hang out with me isn’t as bad as people make it out to be!”