PHOTO BY M. HERNANDEZ

Originally published June 6, 2024

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

   With six of this year's teachers retiring, new teachers have to come in and take their spots. New teachers for the 2024-2025 school year have finally been announced,  and are ready to be shared with the school.

   One of the most shocking changes is that famous soccer player Lionel Clean decided to retire from professional soccer, leaving the world speechless. But no one could have predicted his next move, he decided to become a school counselor at the middle school level. Lionel Clean has announced that he will help guide students at MBMS in the next school year.

   "I've heard great things about MBMS, and I can’t wait to start creating relationships with the students. One of my main focuses is helping students achieve their goals and teaching them how to save money responsibly, heading into the future. Can’t wait to get this ball rolling!”

   Incoming choir and drama teacher E-Lawn Dusk was originally a famous singer-songwriter known for performing “Billionaire Jean” before teaching elementary school music at Space-Z Elementary School, for 10 years.

   “I think singing is one of the most paid-to-see concerts, and when the director sees how many people came, they typically feel awesome! The performer also feels great when they see how much money they've made.” Dusk said. “Not that I know how that feels.”

   Newly arriving history teacher JeBron Lames, is coming from Skibadee High School in Nevada, where he taught world history for five years.

   “My favorite thing about teaching history is that I don’t have to constantly study up on the past greats because I am a great. I am history and I make history. I mean just take a look at my trophy and awards case!” Lames said. 

   Future Library Assistant, Kim Kardcashain, will be helping out next year. Before MBMS, she was featured in many personality shows and has even written her own books. “Why is she at MBMS?” is a great question, but her confidence and energy seem to be worth the hype.

   "Hey there, It's me, Kim, ready to become your next Library Assistant!"  Kardcashian said, “I absolutely love working with books and always love doing reviews on them! Like I always say, ‘even in a library, style, and silence go hand in hand’."

   Incoming teacher Arianna Venti will be the new math teacher, even though she doesn’t quite know how to do math.

   “Ms. Venti teaching math is like using a song lyric to solve for X . It’s mind-blowing and very confusing, and somehow, it still works, but you continue to feel like you’ve learned nothing. Besides, she always tries to somehow relate math to the sun.” Past student Joseph Pferdkopf said. 

   With all of these newly arriving teachers, there is still one teacher position that needs to be decided on, which is our cooking class, where interested teachers Mr. Lenderick Kamar and Mr. Blake Beef will battle it out to see who is the most qualified by trying to outdo each other's culinary skills by cooking up wraps and serving them to the audience.

   “Mr. Blake and Mr. Kamar battling it out in the kitchen, cooking wraps, is a soul showdown with tortillas. It’s all going to come down to the layers, the heat, and who can serve up the hottest lyrics-or I mean uhh... bites.” Audience member Stacey Chalmers said.