PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY P. WARRING VIA CANVA AI

Originally published June 6, 2025

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents. 

  What began as an heartwarming, if slightly unorthodox, science experiment at MBMS has rapidly devolved into a furry, four-legged fiasco, leaving students traumatized, neighbors enraged, and the school administration scrambling for solutions. 

   Eighth-grade science teacher Ms. Cameron, known for her boundless enthusiasm and, apparently, her burgeoning squirrel menagerie, is at the center of the controversy, defiantly defending her "Squirrel Success Program" amidst a campus-wide squirrel insurgency.

   The program, initiated early in the school year, involved Cameron raising several litters of eastern gray squirrels in specially constructed habitats within her classroom. 

   "It was an unparalleled opportunity for hands-on learning!" said Cameron, her eyes gleaming with an almost manic intensity, as a squirrel chittered defiantly from atop her head during a recent interview. 

   Eighth-grader Chad Gipiti enjoyed the opportunity to care for a local species. 

   “Not only did it raise awareness of the challenges squirrels face, but also helped us nurture a sense of environmental responsibility,” Gipiti said “Through this hands-on experience, students develop a deeper understanding of conservation. We even named them – Rocky, Squeaky, Nutmeg, and the ever-mischievous Acorn!"

   What Ms. Cameron envisioned as a seamless transition to woodland life has resulted in a significant portion of her former students taking up permanent residency in the trees surrounding the school and, more alarmingly, in the yards and attics of the neighboring community.

   "My dryer vent is now a squirrel hotel!" fumed Mrs. Walnutt, a resident living adjacent to the school, waving a half-eaten bird feeder in frustration. "I found little Acorn trying to redecorate my living room with pinecones just yesterday! This isn't 'nature's beauty,' this is a furry, destructive plague!"

    The school's principal, Mr. Chestnut, a man perpetually teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown, confirmed the escalating crisis. 

   "We've had reports of squirrels absconding with lunchboxes, disrupting outdoor sports, and even attempting to unionize for better access to the cafeteria's discarded pastries," Chestnut sighed, running a hand through his already disheveled hair.   

   Fire Marshal Ember was reportedly called when small fires appeared around the school. They found that squirrels might be using incendiary tools to gather nuts.

  Sixth-grader Tito Puente added his opinion while sprinting to lunch.

   "They've started a ‘candy cartel’ out of the lockers!” Puente said. “Little Rocky was caught red-handed selling contraband Taki-flavored gummi worms to a seventh-grader. He even had a tiny fanny pack full of cash!"

   Eighth-grader Pip Squeakerson recounted a bizarre classroom experience. 

   "Nutmeg was just sitting in the back of math class, wearing tiny earbuds, completely ignoring Mr. Birch. And I swear, Squeaky was taking notes on all our behaviors, not the lesson! Like he was gathering intel for their next caper."

   No squirrels were available for comment at the time of publication.

   Despite the chaos, Ms. Cameron remains positive. 

   "They're thriving! They're demonstrating true self-sufficiency. Life finds a way," Cameron said. “The busking for change outside the building, vandalizing Chromebooks, and candy cartel are just a species demonstrating true self-sufficiency! Perhaps the community just needs to embrace their inner squirrel and learn to coexist!"

   Principal Chestnut is looking for solutions, but it seems the squirrels are here to stay, leaving everyone to wonder about the project's success.

   “One thing is clear: Baker may never be the same.” Chestnut said. “Our school is exploring options ranging from professional squirrel wranglers to a mandatory ‘squirrel awareness’ curriculum for all staff and students.