PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA VIA CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

Originally published May 6, 2022

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents.

Prom was something senior John Chalmers had been looking forward to all year. Little did he know that the beloved event would transform him from zero to hero.
Chalmers, 18, had made plans to attend his senior prom with Cristina Ying. However, she had recently dumped him to pursue his rival, Samuel Chestnut.
“I don’t know why she left me,” Chalmers said. “The two of us were like Romeo and Juliet, Cleopatra and Mark Antony!”
In spite of being down in the dumps, Chalmers decided to attend the prom, hoping to still enjoy the event. But there was still another obstacle: Chalmers had no ride.
“You know, I needed a way to get there, and so I thought fast,” Chalmers said. “I borrowed a truck from my old friend Ms. Thorington.”
From there, Chalmers drove to the prom, excited to see what the night would hold for him. On his way to the event, though, he lost control of the truck and crashed into a wall.
“I thought that was it for me,” Chalmers said. “Maybe I flew too close to the sun.”
At the sound of the crash, many students rushed from inside the school to the scene.
“It was horrifying,” Principal Blue said. “I could barely even imagine the sheer amount we’d have to pay in property damage."
Chalmers emerged from the crash intact, and ran inside the school where the prom was being held, reaching for the microphone. Chalmers faced the music with pride, however, beginning a speech for the ages.
“I just crashed a truck,” Chalmers said. “I shouldn’t be here right now, because I think Principal Blue called the cops, but here I am.”
The students watched from their tables, wondering if their classmate had possibly reached the stage of amnesia. However, what emerged from his mouth was surprisingly rational for him.
“I just wanted to say that prom isn’t perfect,” Chalmers said. “We all have this idea of what prom and high school should be, but the truth is that it’s not perfect.”
At that point, Blue had sprinted into the gym, followed by two police officers and several of the students who had witnessed the crash. The authorities reached for Chalmers, but he resisted.
“Samuel and I were surprised to see him so put together,” senior Cristina Ying said. “I was thinking that he would be totally gutted, but there he was, giving a speech about the epic lows and highs of his education.”
Chalmers continued to speak until Blue pried the microphone from his hands, speaking into it with vigor.
“My apologies for the disruptions,” Blue said. “We will now remove John Chalmers from the premises.”
Betraying Chalmers’ expectations, the students began to rise from their seats, clapping and chanting.
“Let him finish,” senior Samuel Chestnut said. “Let the guy, who surprised everyone by making Honor Roll in eighth grade, and sniffed the owl pellets Mrs. Anderson gave us to dissect in biology, finish.”
Blue stared at the students with horror in his eyes before Chalmers reclaimed the microphone, giving the brightest smile that a man could give.
“And remember that bad times… are just times that are bad,” Chalmers said.