Brainfartosis

COURTESY OF SHUTTERSTOCK.COM VIA CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

Originally published May 6, 2022

WARNING: The contents of The Canine Comical are purely fictional and intended to be humorous, satirical. Readers are advised not to confuse them with real incidents.

The pandemic led to a new disease, one which has resulted from lower attention spans. When the lock down began, students worked online, which decreased presentation experience, a vital part of modern survival.

This new virus, Brainfartosis, has been sweeping across the school systems, affecting some teachers too. A so-called “Brain Fart” is an event where a human’s brain momentarily ceases to function for a few seconds. While this may seem a minor issue, the effects last for a few minutes and any conscious thought vanishes from your mind.

Seventh-grader Wayt Whut was writing his end-of-unit essay on a topic he forgot what the title was when a mental lapse struck him. “I was citing my evidence for my big ELA assessment when I all of a sudden forgot what I was doing,” Whut said. “In fact, I don’t even remember what I was writing about!”

The first recorded cases were sixth-graders who had no experience speaking in front of others, and had frequent lapses in class This spread through hallway conversation, until most of the school was affected.

“I… uh…” high school graduate John Chalmers said, “Can you remind me what we’re talking about?” As many have observed, ‘brain farts’ can strike at the most inopportune times, including at assemblies.

At a school pep assembly to address this issue, Principal Blue made a speech after a disastrous musical display in which many students stopped playing or started up random tunes throughout the songs.

“I’ve never made a worse speech in my career,” Blue said, “All I remember was discussing ways to prevent catching Brainfartosis, and then I suddenly blanked out.” The staff at MBMS has been notably resilient, with only a few cases recorded. Teachers who participated in hybrid learning were 38% less likely to contract Brainfartosis than those in online learning.

The recent outbreak of Brainfartosis caused a ripple effect on the school year, with teachers constantly forgetting lesson plans and students not remembering to bring materials. School GPA averages have dropped 1.2 points since the start of the school year, and this disturbing trend is expected to continue.

“I observed students stopping in the hallways as they suddenly forgot where they were going,” Blue said, “tardies have been frequent, and… uh… what?”

Fortunately, the curve is flattening, and Brainfartosis does not appear to affect your health. However, this school year has seen events wrecked, scores dropped, and tests failed.

“I can only hope that this will not continue in further, uh,” Chalmers said, “I lost my train of thought.”

**This article was compiled from multiple drafts due to the author suffering from Brainfartosis.**

Doctor’s Report