20 Random Things I Noticed While Watching 'BAby'

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Originally published January 25, 2022

1. The repetition is annoying. I understand that you want to show this girl that you want to be with her, but imagine how awkward this would be without the banging beat in the back. This reminds me of a specific musical song by Leonard Bernstein, if we had sixth-grade choir together you would know.

2. “Just shout whenever and I’ll be there.” Creepy. Dude, are you constantly following her for the perfect moment where you can just pop right out of a bush and be prince charming? Or did I miss something where you say, but not in like a stalker way because I respect your privacy.

3. The girl states there is another, meaning that she doesn’t like you. So you take this as the perfect opportunity to sit on the ball return in the bowling alley. Sorry to break it to you, but you’re not the only one here. Think of poor Jacqueline who just wants to bowl, but you’re here, putting your feet up.

4. One of the extras looks like my cousin. Not really important, but the guy’s like 36 now and that’s a little weird that he’s bowling with a 13-year-old Justin Bieber.

5. The spinning scenes. I knew it! He’s been in a carousel the entire time that looks just like a random street center!

6. What’s he wearing around his neck, I can only assume those are dog tags.

7. Is that Drake?

8. “I just can’t believe we aren’t together!” I can, I hope you never get together with the behavior you’re displaying. Cause I can speak for everyone when I say every woman’s dream is a man who follows her home, doesn’t let her have a day out with friends, and is always persistent in asking, “Why aren’t we a thing babe?”

9. Whoops, don’t mind me just casually rolling over a pool table to get to you babe, that just shows how devoted I am.

10. Bieber can teleport. One moment in a carousel the other in what I can only assume as "Kamui" from "Naruto". That’s right guys, it’s confirmed, Justin Bieber has unlocked the "Mangekyo Sharingan".

11. The dude literally just shoves a man into the bowling alley floor to start a dance battle. Hint, hint, it’s not my cousin. They have billiards here?

12. I think the bowling alley one is just one large plaza with escalators going out of it and some light-up billboards inside or was that outside? Hey, that’s Drake!

13. Also, it’s a breakdancing battle, while the Bieber crew is duking it out in the front lines, guess who’s dancing all the way back in "Kamui"! It’s ya boy! Justin Bieber!!! A moment of silence for the crew that just had to watch this for like 27 takes.

14. There’s just the guy that’s rapping, also in Kamui, talking about his love experiences and I can’t help but feel sorry for him just eternally trapped in a gray room. Left to just rap in a corner, with nobody there except the crew that’s just, watching him.

15. Now you’re dancing in the lanes! Have you no respect for this very public establishment!

16. The album single page I looked at recommended Kris Allen, described as a wholesome idol for ages ten and up. Have you heard of this guy, because I have not, he was on American Idol.

17. Even though the song’s only like three and a half minutes I still feel like I lost a quarter of my lifespan.

18. There’s this one scene where the rapper guy, yes that is his name now, is just like choking Bieber. On one hand, I feel sorry for him because you know he’s dying, but on the other hand I feel like it’s divine punishment for being such a creepy stalker.

19. “Now I’m all gone.” You are? In the ending scene, you’re seen walking outside or inside, I still haven’t figured it out, with the girl you’ve been chasing! I thought that you’d have someone else to make her jealous, but no. WHAT THE HECK!

20. Am I bashing a 13-year-old too hard for a song that he didn’t even write? Yes. Did he deserve it? Probably not, but now I just think the song’s about a parallel universe where most things are the same but basic human decency or any kind of self-respect is thrown out the window. Oh, and also Justin Bieber is God.