De'Izhay Green "Stepping Harder"

I watched the minute hand rapidly dance around the clock as tears rolled down my face. My main focus was on three things , the clock, the door, and my phone. She told me that she would be here, she knows how important this is to me. I picked up my phone and dialed her number. The word mom, with a “pulsating heart” as siri would say , was soon to be shown on my screen.

“Hello” the voice on the other end of the line spoke.

“Mom ? Where are you, we’re about to start” I replied.

“I'm sorry De, I got caught up at your sister's parent teacher conferences. I should be on my way after I get done here” she said quickly, and ended the call.

One thing I hate is when my mom says that she “should”. It was always just a waiting game after that, and hoping that maybe in the end you wouldn’t be let down. This time she said she was doing something for my sister, which, I guess I can’t really complain about. I love my siblings, don’t get me wrong, and I hate being selfish with my mom. I just wish they would understand that I lack what they all have, fathers.

I took my gaze off the door, and instead walked to the bathroom. I don’t like the bathrooms at school because the stalls scare me, and everyone knew that so I knew this was the last place they would check. I took a seat facing away from the stall and let the rest of the tears fall. I wasn’t crying because I was upset, I was crying because I was angry. While I was alone at my performances surrounded by pools of proud parents, my sister was a sponge, soaking up the proudness of both parents. She had it all, the mom, the dad, and the siblings. A knock on the door briefly distracted me from my thoughts.

“Dede, you in here ? We’re about to start” the captain of the step team, which also happens to be my best friend said.

“Yeah, I’m coming right now” I replied, trying to keep the sniffling to a minimum.

I waited until the door closed to get up and quickly get myself together. I was familiar with the routine though, stop crying, wipe your eyes, and smile. I swiftly grabbed my things and lined up for the first step of the night. The first step of the night was Keep It SImple , everyone knew this step because the reality is it was extremely simple. That is, when there aren’t a million thoughts in your head screaming at you to not cry. Lyrique led this step, and she was great at it, her mom was at every performance cheering her on. It was such a beautiful thing to see, a parent not being ashamed to hype their child up in the middle of lots of people.

The next step was the step that was never named, so truthfully, none of us knew what to call it. The only thing I knew was the ending of it was my time to shine. Trinity, who was one grade younger than me, and I had a skit at the end that transitioned us to the last step. We did the step as usual and as the ending came up everything around me slowed down. I was sweating a lot more than usual, and became more alert of my surroundings. The gym was packed. It was one of the biggest basketball games of the season, everyone was there. As things seemed to progressively get slower I noticed two things, my best friend’s mom, seated on the first row of the bleachers cheering me on and, my friends at the end of the bleachers calling my name excitedly knowing my part was coming up. For the first time since the night began I smiled, everything I needed was here.

As time begins to settle and become normal again, I realize it’s finally my turn, everyone in line stops and I keep going. All eyes were on me as I skipped to the front of the line appearing to have messed up the entire performance.

“What are you doing !?” Trinity shouted, stepping out from the back of the line.“I’m trying to have fun and do the step” I shouted back, adding a bit of sass to my voice.

“Well this isn’t LOL, this is LOD, so you need to get back in line” Trinity responded, sending back the same energy.

“Girl whatever, let’s just do this last step then” I said, and the crowd erupted into laughter, one thing about adults is that they laugh at anything.

I executed my part perfectly, I’d done something I’ve never done before and decided to live in the moment. Nothing was going to mess me up in front of everyone that came out to see a good game and performance. I was ecstatic as we moved to the last step, skipping the short distance to my spot. The last step began and ended quickly, with a satisfied audience screaming as we exited the gym. I sat with my team in a group huddle to reflect on our amazing performance and compliments were flying around the circle. Collectively, we did great. A vibrating noise took me away from the group and into my bookbag where I found my phone.

“Hello, I’m here, did you start yet ?” ,my mother spoke rapidly.

“Yeah, you just missed it actually, i'm coming out now though.” I replied naturally.

“Okay, I’m parked out front.” she said, and I ended the call.

I said my goodbyes to everyone and proceeded to leave the building. I walked to my mother’s car and sat in the front seeing as though she was the only one there. I got myself situated as she started the car and began the ten minute drive home.

“Did, you have fun ?” she asked.

“Yeah it was great, everyone was so hype” I said truthfully.

“I’m glad, you hungry, wanna grab something to eat ?” she responded.

“Yeah we could get McDonalds seeing as it's the only thing open” I said.

“Okay” she said as “Enough” by Fantasia began to play signaling that someone was calling her.

She picked up the phone and turned the radio all the way down. I grabbed my headphones and put them on, having no interest in her conversation with the mystery caller. I started my playlist and stared out the window taking in my city. It’s unique, and everyone becomes so spaced out until community events, like a basketball game, bring them back together. I wasn’t angry anymore, I have my mom and always will, but I also have friends and other people who make my life complete. I spent so much time thinking about what I didn’t have that I missed everything that was right in front of me and quite frankly a significant piece of what makes me unapologetically me.