Headstone Dedication Ceremony for
Alexander W. Cunningham
December 23, 2022 River Bend Cemetery, Westerly, RI
Thank you all for braving these miserable conditions to dedicate Alexander’s headstone together. This is the final, formal chapter of Alexander’s life. We’re here because Alexander is not. We’re here because of all the ways he touched us. We’re here because we miss him tremendously and want a lasting memorial to remind us of his sweet, thoughtful nature, his inciteful and wry sense of humor, his passions and compassion, his blue eyes and prodigious appetite.
Brother Robert, would you begin the program with an invocation?
Invocation
We gather here this morning believing that all ties of family, friendship and affection which knit us as one throughout our lives do not unravel with death. Grant us peace as we grieve Alexander. May we hold his memory dear and may we live in hope. We pray for strength so that we may bear peace to one another. We pray that our hearts may be open so that we may comfort one another in this time of sadness.
A song that meant a lot to Alexander was “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” The opening words of that song are: “When you’re weary, feeling small, when tears are in your eyes…” Today we come to dedicate this gravestone with tears in our eyes. May we find peace. Amen.
Thank you.
Poem – The Year – Recited by Geraldine Cunningham
What can be said in New Year rhymes,
Thatʼs not been said a thousand times?
The new years come, the old years go,
We know we dream, we dream we know.
We rise up laughing with the light,
We lie down weeping with the night.
We hug the world until it stings,
We curse it then and sigh for wings.
We live, we love, we woo, we wed,
We wreathe our prides, we sheet our dead.
We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear,
And thatʼs the burden of a year.
I’ve never been part of headstone dedication ceremony before and in my research learned that it rarely happens in the Christian tradition. I was really quite surprised as it seems totally fitting for all to gather a last time to share the memory of a loved one lost. When I discussed the idea with Greg who runs Riverbend he noted he’d never been to one. So I promptly invited him. Thank you for sharing this moment with us Greg.
Before I let Matt describe the AWC fitness memorial at Ender’s Island he and Linda so beautifully conceived I wanted to share an aside with you. As you may or may not know I’m not a particularly religious or spiritual person. I don’t look for signs of an afterlife nor expect or anticipate one for myself. While some may consider that perspective shortsighted, I’m comfortable with my view and don’t mind in the least if you disagree with me. We’ll see who’s correct!
In any event, these past 16 months have been emotional agony for me and I know many of you have suffered greatly as well. Not a day has gone by since Alexander’s death I haven’t thought about him deeply or constantly in passing. Those days in August and September 2021 were the worst in my life. Sleep, nearly impossible. Constant leg sweats, obsessing, inescapable gloom. The only real relief I found was watching the TV series Ted Lasso. My heart burned inside my chest but was elevated by the spirit of that show. In October, my wedding and all the bright days with family and friends that led up to it, propelled me from that deep darkness and ended that phase of grief.
As I stated I’m not a believer but there have been a couple of curious instances that are very much worth sharing. So if you’ll indulge me….
After watching Villanova unexpectedly beat Arkansas in the 2022 March Madness college basketball game I walked from my living room to the bathroom and in passing looked into the red room along the way and viewed the computer screen. There was Alexander kissing a silver trophy he won in a 2016 CBRE March Madness pool for picking the previous year’s winner, which was Villanova. Mind you this was immediately after the game ended that his image flashed from the computer screen saver slideshow as I walked by.
On April 4th of this past year I brought my dog to work and as usual took him out for a walk to stretch his legs and take a pee. For whatever reason I took a different two block route than normal. While walking the last half block I saw some sheet music on the sidewalk. Naturally I looked down in curiosity to see what had been discarded. I was absolutely stunned to find the music was a page from Simon and Garfunkel’s Bridge over Troubled Waters. That was the song Alexander played over and over on the piano when he lived with me after graduating from Villanova when he was in the midst of his first opiod struggles before he moved to RI. This song was so strongly associated with Alexander that we printed its lyrics on his funeral program as it so aptly described his state of mind back then looking for a way to escape the terrible snare he found himself in. Finding that music was shocking. The discovery reverberated over me the entire day and still does. I never really understood what Alexander had to live with and battle through. Surely Troubled Waters does not do it justice.
There are many things I enjoy doing but none perhaps more than golfing. I’ve golfed since I was eight or nine years old and actually recorded almost 100 scores this year. My dad doesn’t think I ever go to work. Maybe I don’t! I so loved golfing with Alexander and did so from when he was 4 or 5 years old. He was an excellent golfer, a fearless putter that could drive the ball 300 yards. Every golfer’s dream is to score a hole in one and that occurred for me this year! It was on the hardest par 3 hole at my course, a hole that gets aced approximately once a year. When did it happen? A year to the day of Alexander’s passing. Coincidence, good golfing? I have no idea… maybe Alexander misses me as much as I miss him.
Lastly, Alexander worked the 12 steps over and over. It greatly impacted his personality in a positive way. As he entered his 30’s he possessed the ability to quickly find your core through a few questions and get to the heart of the matter of something that made you happy or was troubling you. In a moment you were past the superficial conversation and into something way deeper, something way more meaningful. This talent was remarkable and rare. I think he developed this ability because of all the personal work he put in to beat his addiction for 8 years and rectify his opiod related transgressions.
As I wrote in his obituary Alexander started each day with a healthy dose of Vitamin G, gratitude. My SF Family Thanksgiving tradition is to picnic at Stinson Beach Park about an hour north of our house in Marin County. We started the tradition in 1991 when Alexander was a wee lad of 2 years old. Walking the beach this year I noticed a person writing words in the sand on a grand scale. I saw the person had sketched out the word “Grateful”. It didn’t hit me at first but then I thought perhaps that was a message from my son, whom we all miss so much.
I’d like to turn over the program to my brother Matt who I also love dearly.
In closing I want to thank you all for coming and being an integral part of mine and Alexander’s lives.
We are all our touched by special people in our lives. When they leave us, they take a piece of us with them. A piece of us we’ll never get returned. We lose that favorite person and we are not whole. We remain with them as they do with us. This indelible fact cannot be explained only experienced. Our grief is our missing part crying out for reconstitution. It hurts like hell.
I think I was the last person to speak to Alexander on that fateful day a year ago August 22. I called to ask how he and Westerly were faring after the hurricane. He didn’t sound quite right and our conversation came to a premature end. Although we never spoke again, I’d like to think that if we did this is what he’d say.
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I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one.
I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done.
I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,
Of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.
I'd like the tears of those who grieve, to dry before the sun;
Of happy memories that I leave when life is done.
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Thank you all for being here today and for your loving and fond memories of Alexander William Cunningham.