Dancing

with My Timbrel

In 1990 I joined Rabbi Stan Levy's LA Renewal congregation, B'nai Horin, Children of Freedom,

and I am still figuring out how to be free from Mitzrayim, and to dance. - Joy Krauthammer

Rabbi Stan taught: "Don't hold back."

Rabbi Ronnie Serr's questions:

What areas of my life do I live as if I’m center of my universe, my life?

How am I held back, or who or what is owning me?

What I do, where and when and how are my free choices, if my body doesn't restrict me, or TSA agents. I won't endanger others or be disrespectful and I may choose to trespass my own boundaries. I'm in charge 24/7 and free to follow laws, if my mind doesn't hold me back, and my car and computer work. All day I'm FREE to sit at my computer and be a slave to technology as it allows, and to read, study, write, create, and download my photos I shoot at dawn, and edit, share and publish.

As Miriyahm HaNeviah, I'm free to drum and celebrate. I can request payment for my services as a free woman, and "center of my universe". I don't have to accept a gig if I choose not to, and if it rains, I'll miss it as I choose not to drive in the rain. I run errands as a free person and don't have to build pyramids without proper materials. I wake up and I go to bed and eat when I want. I choose to answer or not answer my phone. No one owns me, but my pure soul belongs to G*d and when I'm 120 The Holy One will reclaim my neshama and my body will be buried where I've bought my own grave, and already paid for and designed my matzeivah. If G*d recognizes that I've done tikkun on earth, and cared for others in the center of their lives, I hope my next lives will be filled with joy, song and freedom, health and love and blesSings, with no one owning me, without slave trade. Fear does "hold me back."

- Joy Krauthammer

~ ~ ~

Reb Ronnie's PASSOVER class Assignment.

What QUESTIONS do I have? And commentary.

Questions from Joy Krauthammer

How is Seder RELEVANT to me personally?

How can Seder bring us closer to G*d?

What Seder rituals help us/me to bond to G*d, or do they distance ourselves from G*d?

Will drinking 4 cups of Grape juice offer the same ritual effect as wine?

Am I protected from being drunk with 4 cups? Passover is not Purim.

Why can sorcerers do extraordinary magic?

Is this part of the Yetzer Hara that G*d created, along with the Yetzar Tov? Why did G*d allow black magic?

What did Egyptian wizards do to show they can do what G*d does, as they claim?

For the women -

To make a feminist statement, many of us for decades do add an orange to our Seder plate, and also add a Kos Miriam with water (representing Miriam's Well) to the Seder table.

What rituals can we use with these contemporary objects symbolizing women's inclusion in the Exodus and at the Seder (not only the 'sons')?

How do we politely offer and place oranges and Kos Miriyams on the Seder tables, and not have to remove them and apologize (as we did for drumming at our own chuppah) because our own brethren have requested removal of the revealed feminine face and tried to silence the women?

Because MIRIAM HaNeviah/the Prophetess is NOT mentioned in the Haggadah, we must invoke her name and tell her story from Torah in the Seder’s MAGGID with all her roles, but how can we successfully INCORPORATE into Seder Rituals Miriam and the main women, her mother Yocheved, mid-wives AKA Shifra and Puah, and Pharoah’s daughter Batyah, as well as the Israelite women who prepared timbrels, sang and danced, praised Hashem in the 'present' tense, and earlier brought copper mirrors to their husbands in the field so Hebrew babies would be conceived.

What wisdom did the Hebrew women have about spiritual transformation and redemption that they prepared and brought drums with them on their journey as they fled to Freedom from Mitzrayim?

How do we personally see ourselves as these brave courageous creative women who sought freedom and left Mitzrayim, and because of them, there has been redemption?

What are the plagues, obstacles or negative thoughts that hold me back, and that I need to shed, delete, understand or transform?

How am I affected by universal plagues and what Tikun Olam can I do to help?

Where is today's slavery? And what recent reforms have been made? Slavery is not only Hebrews in Egypt, and Africans that were brought and sold in America until 1863, but Mennonites today in the US, and young brides in India and Arab countries, and women not allowed to drive, and Chinese ladies in massage parlors and clothing factories, and household help whose passports are stolen and given no wages.

How do we make relevant to ourselves and our children with transformative personal stories in this era, a time of challenging plagues- the Exodus from Mitzrayim to Freedom?

~ ~ ~

PLAGUES RELEVANCY COMMENTARY

At the end of an Israeli Orthodox wedding in B’nei Brak several days ago, Shira, a musician and a bride, for 2 full minutes wonderfully played the band’s drums. At the end of the song she was silenced and the band reprimanded for having a woman visable on stage. There was a world-wide brouhaha in social media.

Our world is not only anti-Semitic ala Pharaoh, but misogynistic within our own tribe.

I didn’t hear any complaints when I, as mother of the bride, briefly played drums at my daughter’s large and joyous kosher wedding. I wasn't quieted when I spoke at her wedding, nor at my own Chabad chuppah.

Passover 1994, I was out of town with my family at a kosher Passover hotel with Reb Shlomo Carlebach, z"l, and his family for what became his very last Passover. It was Chol HaMoed and I was present to accompany on drums, Reb Shlomo in concert. Minutes before we were to perform, the rabbi in charge told us that there would be no women on the stage, and that is the way it was. Shlomo died of a heart attack six months later.

For me, that was a plague that has continued in my life. My heart was broken when I wasn't invited to play any longer with male driven Reb Shlomo chevre because I was a woman.

Have we forgotten that during the beginning of the Exodus as written in Torah, Exodus 15:20, a woman, a prophetess Miriam HaNeviah and all the women prepared frame drums to celebrate G*d’s revelation, their escape from Egypt, and the splitting of the sea, and we sang Shira, a song to thank G*d at a time of Mochin d’Gadlut, expanded consciousness. I feel that just as we delete drops of Seder wine for each plague, my joy is diminished with that broken heart memory of rejection and sexism.

We women empowered others to celebrate our Freedom by G*d’s hand. We women with our music, our Tofs, drums, were free to express our faith, trust, spirituality and passion.

Drumming is inclusive, healing for our wellbeing, uplifting, and liberating and accompanies and leads singers and dancers — part of community celebration in world-wide cultures.

“Mi’she nichnas Adar marbim b’simcha” — “when the month of Adar begins we increase our joy.” A queen saved us. Then we celebrate history's freedom.

As women we can be brave enough to reveal and offer our work, our voices in all mediums, just as the women of the Exodus offered their Shira, song, and because of them, we were redeemed: we had emunah v' bitachon, faith and trust. We played our timbrels and sang and danced.

Did you see last year's movie "93 Queen"? Awesome documentary about men trying to keep silent and threaten Orthodox women in Brooklyn who as paramedics in a man's world were trying to save lives.

What are our plagues today?

Joy Krauthammer

3.11.2019

3 days ago was annual International Women's Day, March 8th,

because we still need to fight the plagues.

~ ~ ~

Miriyahm HaNeviah ChArt

by Joy Krauthammer

JOY of PESACH in 4 WORLDS (4 Children) -

Freedom to Awakening to the Presence of G*d

by Joy Krauthammer Pesach 2006 Nissan 5766

The traditional Haggadah speaks about the famed "Four Sons" and how they are involved in Seder: The Wise son, the Evil son, the Simple son, and the son who does Not Know how to ask a question. The Hassidic Masters ask, "Where is the 5th Son?" and they answer, "He is not even at the Seder." Then there is the sibling who knows to remember those newest victims and plagues today, our Darfur, our Holocaust, and we add a 4th matzah.

The Haggadah states, “In every generation, one is obligated to view himself as though he himself had actually gone out of Egypt .” We have learned in Exodus 13.8, "It is because of what G*d did for me when I went free from Egypt."

Hashem says, "vehotzayte...vehetzalte...vegawalte...velahkachte..."

"I shall bring you out... I shall rescue/deliver you... I shall redeem you... I shall take you to me....."

What is our kavanah/ intention during Passover in highlighting four "siblings" with probing questions?

WHERE IS OUR RELEVANCE TO PESACH and our comprehension of Pesach?

How do we incorporate Passover consciously in our life to have relevance?

How to we elevate ourselves and awaken to the Presence of G*d?

If using a FEMINIST Haggadah, and remembering and honoring our Founding SARAH'S TENT Matriach, Savina Teubal, z"l, our mothers and ourselves--daughters in a safe space to share stories could ask, "Why do we gather here only women tonight?" We could answer with empowerment that in rectification and Tikkun, because our mother's voices have been absent, silent from our history, we can find them again tonight, and celebrate the Exodus and heroic actions of our five sisters, Miriam HaNeviah (sister of Aaron and Moshe), Yocheved (mom of Miriam, Aaron and Moshe), Shifrah and Puah (mid-wives), and with Batya (Pharaoh's daughter). We pray with gender-free Brachot (Brucha Aht Yah, Ruach HaOlam), and place an orange on the Seder plate, and a Kos / Cup Miriam on the Seder table.

In defining ourselves and opening to blessings, "When we go beyond our personal places and locate ourselves within larger stories, we open doors to sacred dimensions and larger mysteries of life and feel less alone."

We in Sarah's Tent have been blessed to journey together Kabbalistically along the Tree of Life with our Co-Founder Rabbi Judith HaLevy, kindling spiritual flames to realize the presence of G*d and to embrace Shechinah. We have had a goal, and we have learned, comprehended, experienced, incorporated-integrated into our lives, gone out to community and grown closer to the Light. As Renewal adults we have reached a level from maybe not being present and not knowing how to ask (like the 4th or 5th child) -to Henini and to challenged with OUR questions, processing, knowing, embracing, cleaving / devekut and relevance. Thus the Haggadah's 4 Children, daughters and sons in the Tent, become appropriately for us in our exile, Exodus, and travels-- the 4 Worlds -Sprit, Mind, Heart and Body.

We in Sarah's Tent live with awareness in the 4 Worlds to understand our inner journeys--reflections of our soul, Nefesh, Ruach, Neshama, as created in the image of the Divine One. (Genesis 1:26) We strengthen our Jewish spiritual practices, including Torah study, mitzvotrituals of prayer, and life-cycle events. In trust, with freedom of expression we share in joy with meditation, chanting, music and creativity in the arts. This has been our bonding as we have come closer to fulfillment in connecting and in devekut/ cleaving to the Source of All Blessings.

What is the relevance of individual self-concept: Who am I, and where am I in my environment? We live in adult worlds functioning as newly classified, defining and limiting ourself possibly as Partnered-Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, Straight, Single-never married, Married, Divorced, Widowed, Surviving spouse, Parent with and without children, Adoptive parent, Spiritual parent, Bubbe and Zayde with grandchildren, with parents or now orphaned.

We have an integration of Midot / attributes, character, obligations, devotions, passions, ethics and gifts to give and receive even as we give. Even our personality traits are limited. We are most free when we surrender and "let go and let G*d", and flow through 4 Worlds. We recognize the relevance of cleansing our blemishes and purifying ourselves on our journey of freedom with Kavanah/ intention in preparation for Torah as we Sephirotically count the Omer.

At least 4 categories of human need to understand the Passover journey and to understand its possibilities of connections on different levels of depth and truth (Pardes) from surface and visible (Pshat) to more kabbalistically soulfully hidden (Sod): Pharoahs in our lives, the loss of our ancestors' land, loss of slavery from Mitzrayim / our narrow places, then and now, our losses of loved ones, traumas, to being B'nai Horin / children of freedom, from oppression, repression and suffering as victims, and from self-limiting beliefs on to liberation, releasing ourselves, challenging equity of justice, pursuing "Tzedek, Tzedek, Tirdof", and rejoicing now. We look at what has held us back, trapping- enslaving us, kept us from going forward. We acknowledge what supports us, and elevates us to Revelation: G*d, and Sarah's Tent community in going forward and living authentically with integrity, making life holy in a place of joy.

Seder has to do with reliving Egypt in RELEVANCE. Turn Seder into personal experience; Resonating with our experiences addresses our personal Mitzrayims and journey to freedom with profound relevance. Where are we within our Tree of life?

Goal, more than ritual, is to commit our self to spiritual relevance, to receive the flow of Divine energy drawing us nearer to our Holy Compassionate One to Transcendance from Mitzrayim through exodus, to redemption, freedom, authenticity, transformation and joy.

We remember, not forget, recognize, reveal, know, witness what is important in our lives, and have gratitude. We may have endured slavery and pain. With willpower, determination, courage, we have faith, trust (Emuna v'Bitachon) and hope that we can move forward in integrity, truth (Emes) and authenticity and prevail in JOY. We can have separate places for pain held in pockets in our hearts, which have been broken and hopefully healed. To be free and move forward, experiencing spiritual, mindful, emotional and physical freedom, we must know what enslaves us, holding us back in spirit, mind, heart and body.

Reflect and meditate on these questions:

What keeps us enslaved in boundaries, constraints, confinements, limitations?

What do we need, and what brings us to transcendence from Mitzrayim?

Are we limited as a victim as a slave of what? addiction, abuse, deceit, bondage?

And how do we go to being free, living in Torah study, serving G*d in joy (Ivdu Et Hashem B'Simcha), Gemilut Chasadim (performance of good deeds), Tzedakah, and living in authentic JOY.

Do we speak truth of our lives, not to be hidden, not behind masks, but to be heard and seen?

How has Hashem emancipated us to surrender from pain to freedom and joy?

4 Worlds offer us Alignment, flow of energy levels through vessels of 4 Worlds

Where is the balance in the dimensions of my 4 Worlds in order to TRANSCEND?

To go from separateness and darkness to unity and Light.

SPIRIT - spirituality-being-Atzilut

Seeking, Finding G*d brings ultimate joy and redemption.

How do I view myself in holiness, my own personal experience, in relevance, as going out of Egypt?

Where is The Compassionate One in my life? Is G*d "dwelling in my midst?" Am I walking in G*d's guidance? Am I reaching for G*d's hand and heart? When needed, is Shechinah embracing me? Carrying me?

Am I receiving G*d's bestowal of abunDance of blesSings?

What are my spiritual goals of my soul, seekings, truth, inner meaning and significance? Yearning and returning, rotzo v'shuv to G*d? to the Source of All Blessings.

Am I kindling spiritual flames?

Knowing in my slavery or freedom, that G*d loves me.

How do I release, opening to a Divine flow in Oneness-Light (Ohr), receiving G*d's blessings, not separation or darkness, but knowing that I am a reflection of G*d and doing G*d's work, and Serving in joy. "Ivdu Et Hashem B'Simcha".

How can I be free to experience the spiritual fire burning in my soul, my sanctuary?

Am I able to feel the warmth and enthusiasm that comes with serving G*d? and observing Torah?

What do I need to get there? How is my journey? What is my transformation?

Can I access tranquility?

Stopping, being quiet, emptying, meditating, chanting, connecting, deep calm, receiving the Holy One.

We are part of a higher reality.

Ultimate secret to real emancipation lies in our gratitude, surrender, sublimation, humility, modesty, empathy and self-respect – not ego driven.

To Ascend to higher levels to Divine revelation.

To understand that G*d enables us to transcend G*d's actual limitations.

And maybe to see G*d's revealed blessing in all. And maybe not. Answers, but not what we prayed for.

MIND -mentally-intellectually-thoughts-Briah

Freedom from bondage and fears, inhibitions-internal impediments - addictions, restrictions, inner places of limitation, mental attachment, insecurities, low self-esteem, weaknesses, self imprisonment, illusions, betrayals, disbelief, deceits, dishonesty, disorders, depression, anxieties, narcissism, inadequacies, obsessions, compulsions, harshness, procrastinations, indecisions.

Conceit, superiority, inferiority, arrogance.

To healing wholeness.

Do I appreciate that my ego, is the single most important element in freeing myself from any fear and emotional resistance?

How can I trespass my own boundaries?

Do I enslave myself or allow others to abuse me with negative and mean thoughts, words, actions, attacks? Take advantage of me, steal from me?

How for me authentically do I understand redemption and where am I now?

How can I strengthen myself and my positive qualities to travel to freedom through the Sephirot?

Freedom though the counting of the Omer, midot purification, at this time?

HEART -emotionally-feeling-Yetzirah

How are my levels of soul, my Neshamah, Nefesh, Ruach?

Am I a slave? Am I free?

How is my Freedom for aspirations and dreams and harmony and joy?

How is my ability for releasing, letting go of: complacency, shame, fear, hurt, anger, resentments, disappointment, grief, bitterness, judgement, low self-esteem, sorrow, despair, helplessness, hopelessness?

Am I on a path to hope and healing wholeness? To Freedom?

Do I shed tears for another? How easily?

How is my Chesed/ lovingkindness? My compassion. How compassionate am I?

Moror = empathy. Do I have empathy?

Do I realize that empathy equals sensitivity – the very essence of being alive: feeling and experiencing the heartbeat of all life? Empathy is different from sympathy.

What key do I hold to another's heart, or to imprisoning myself? or freeing myself?

BODY -physical-action-Assiyah

Why and how is Pesach meaningful to me to receive the flow of Divine Energy according to the Four Worlds?

Through my activities, my actions, how do I draw down Holiness and radiance to permeate into every aspect of my daily life, including eating on Pesach?

What is holding me back from living more authentically? How am I held back?

Do I enslave myself or allow others to do so to me with their actions?

Is my body a temple for holiness?

How physically through my actions and body can I allow and receive the Divine Presence to enter?

Surely through cracks and brokenness, and connection.

As I am created in the image of G*d, how can I reach out and give to Holiness through my actions?

How do I reveal inner hidden dimensions of my soul and bring them out into the realm, world of action to affect and transform?

Where am i in the world of abuse, wars, violence, anti-Semitism, hormones, diseases, materialism, body images and disorders?

How do I use my work, Mitzvot, or my other physical activities as a stepping-stone to higher objectives?

Mikveh = higher state of being, submerge to purify our bodies and minds.

Freedom to give.

Comfort in reclining, letting go, relaxing.

Ritual laws and structure of tradition revealed world where physical is accessible to us.

Through SWOT- Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats, how do I perceive and recognize where I am in relation to my Mitzrayim and to freedom?

Where is my joy?

How do I transform to transcendency? What inner work do I need to do?

What holds me back? What obstacles am I allowing? How do I limit myself? How do I liberate myself and attain Freedom from enslavement? Where am I free? What are my dreams? What is my truth? What affirmations must I repeat to myself?

Am I recognizing the gifts I have inherited, and share?

Am I grateful and showing it?

May we all be blessed with a meaningful and transcendent Passover – and a Haggadah which allows us to “pass over” our fears and limits (perceived or real) and transition and experience true, sweet / Zisen and lasting freedom, where we can reach our highest potential, where we awaken to the Presence of G*d in 4 Worlds, and feel the fire burning in our inner Sanctuary, and feel the joy of serving G*d and being in Oneness.

JOY Krauthammer

I wrote this passionate piece on Pesach and FREEDOM only weeks after my husband, z"l, died, following six months of his life-support and his 18 years of cancer filled with surgeries and treatments and paralysis and courage and Emuna v'Bitachon. I was his Caregiver Angel Warrior.

~ ~ ~

Passover Art

by Joy Krauthammer ©

Invitation to

PASSOVER AT THE WOMEN’S PRISON

The California Institution for Women (CIW), Sunday, April 14, 2019 to celebrate Passover at the prison with a kosher Seder.

The women prisoners tell their stories as not free people.

They are honoring AriellaShira Lewis as volunteer of the year.

Many of our community members volunteer at this prison and will be attending.

This is a heart-felt formal gathering, and with music. - Joy Krauthammer

RSVP - Security prison clearance forms must be filled out before March 20, 2019.

Questions about Seder fee, contact: Rabbi Moshe Halfon Martin.Halfon@cdcr.ca.gov

JOY YAHM License (Exodus 15:20) EXPLANATION

by Joy Krauthammer

The partial short pshat explanation for my personalized vanity auto license plate:

JOY YAHM for last 22 years (since 1996) has been on my periwinkle purple truck transporting tons of timbrels.

This is the story of Miriyahm HaNeviah and her leading the women to freedom with timbrel and song Kriyas Yam Suf.

My license plate reads JOY YAHM

YAHM = YAH, YAHM, (Miri)YAHM

Y Y = Yehudim, Israelites with arms outstretched in prayer song to YAH in JOY.

JOY = their song in their heart, crossing the YAHM/sea to freedom.

(Miri)YAHM without the mar/bitterness (Miriyahm HaNeviah, the Prophetess)

praising YAH (G*D),

with YY = Yehudim community arms outstretched, in JOY,

crossing the YAHM/sea, to freedom,

as B'nai Horin / children of freedom with timbrels in their hands.

My Jewish theme encompasses the Four Worlds: Spirit, Mind, Heart and Body.

I, Joy Krauthammer, am a timbrel player.

www.joys-music.blogspot.com http://miriamhaneviah.blogspot.com

In addition,

I personalized my auto license FRAME with Jewish prayer and song.

License Frame:

"Bruchot Habaot Tachat Kanfei HaShechina"

(Singing to the tune of Debbie Friedman's, z'l, prayer psalm, Miriam's Song)

~ ~ ~

“They will praise G*d's Name with dance” (Psalm 149:3)

“Praise G*d with drum and dance” (Psalm 150:4)

~ ~ ~

“Frogs (Plague No.2) was directed (as a judgment) against Heket, a (frog-headed) goddess of childbirth who was represented as a frog.

"The frogs are associated with water. Frogs, we are told, came out of the “rivers, the canals, and the ponds of Egypt” (Exodus 8:1). In Exodus, the Nile swarmed with frogs which then covered all the land (Exodus 7:28–29), while in Genesis G*d says, “Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures” (Genesis 1:20).

-Ziony Zevit, AJU

“Frogs were thought to be sacred and not to be killed. G*d had the frogs invade every part of the homes of the Egyptians, and when the frogs died, their stinking bodies were heaped up in offensive piles all through the land (Exodus 8:13–14).”

https://www.gotquestions.org/ten-plagues-Egypt.html

Baby's first of annual Seders and Passovers because every year

HaShem needs for us to resolve our difficulties and take us out of Mitzrayim.

SOLO SEDERS ~ PESACH 2007

by JOY Krauthammer

"Have the strongest sense of passing through a passage, like a broad tunnel, and have no idea what's on the other side", writes my friend following Seder, and I respond with the telling of the relevance of my SOLO SEDERS.

Isn't the Pesach Seder the re-enactment of the 'tunnel' to freedom?, I ask. Mitzrayim is a narrow place, and G*d opened tunnels in the Yahm Suf waters for the Israelites to cross to freedom.

(G*d's miracle of the split Red Sea is a favorite biblical scene for me because on the other side, Miriyahm HaNeviah led the women in song and dance. Exodus 15:20)

What I learned in grieving group (was only me who had "lost" a spouse, a weekly video--GriefShare with a workbook for 13 weeks, in a Christian church conveniently nearby in the dark of night, when I felt extremely vulnerable, exactly a year ago, led by a compassionate religious facilitator) is that THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!!!

Emes /TRUE. I had to go through and process the emotional passage and get out to find out. Following GriefShare I did transformative healing rituals in mikveh, and stated affirmations at Torah, and took steps forward... in reclaiming myself, my joy /Lechi Lach. Baruch Hashem, I am still healing. There was no local synagogue grieving support group. I loved all the verbalized G*d consciousness in the church group (that I don't usually hear in synagogues), and that "G*d LOVES me!"

How sensitive to actually feel the "passing through the passage"; To know this is a ride through life. I don't usually stop to think about that, except for when I am concerned that maybe reaching 60 on my upcoming birthday, and looking forward to my "Simchat Chochmah- Joy of Wisdom" celebration at Torah, my life does not have so many years ahead, if I even live without it, B'ezrat Hashem /G*d willing, being shortened by any other issue, Keneinahara.

"No idea what's on the other side", my friend wrote. But you can attract what you want, and imagine, visualize, affirm, act on it, and with Emuna/faith–like Nachshon did walking into the Yahm Suf, and voila, Manifestation. The "secret" to getting what you want or need. Shoot an arrow to its target and follow it, guided my Jerusalem teacher, Collete, z'l and her disciple, Eve.

"How is this night different" from all my former and formal seders?

It was a SOLO SEDER.

Last night I did not go to the 2nd night Seder. Founder of Jewish Worldwide Watch invited me and 60 others. Was really looking forward to the experience, sitting on the floor, talking about Darfur, and meeting the special people who would be there. But still not quite over what ever has been fevering and congesting me, so protected others in Chesed /lovingness and in Gevurah /limiting myself, stayed HOME ALONE.

In joy, I challenged myself, and again made my private, intimate solo seder as I had done the night before when I used "The Ma'yan Passover Haggadah, The Journey Continues", edited by my first visionary feminist rabbi, Sue Levi Elwell. Feeling 'under the weather' it was comforting to take off from my Pesach book case top shelf a recently familiar Haggadah. The week before I had participated as percussionist, at a shul's feminist pre-Pesach seder. Preparing weeks ago for a dear friend's Seder (former Judaic director at my daughter's day school), I had voraciously reread many of my favorite saved Passover teachings. I had eagerly dusted off my treasured collection of Haggadahs. With sentimentality, I reviewed the "Haggadah" I had organized with a committee in 1981, 26 years ago, for the North Valley Jewish Community Center. It felt good to me to once again see the cover which is my art. The Hebrew cover had been a challenge and delight. I tenderly opened my husband's 1959 Bar Mitzvah gift, the famous blue velvet art "Arthur Szyk Haggadah". For years, my own favorite Pesach preparation has been with the 1991 "Santa Cruz Haggadah: a Passover Haggadah, and Journal for the Evolving Consciousness" by Karen Roekard.

This time I used a different feminist Haggadah "Journey of the Heart" created by my Lev Eisha women's minyan, and also the Kabbalistic Chasidic "Breslov Haggadah" which I've owned for years and never opened. (My local House of David book store owner Phil Goldin said to me, "Joy, THIS one is for you!") That was a challenge to get from one page to the next because of the strange multiple formatting which made no sense to me.* (Maybe if I had read the introduction...)

I saved a lot for "next time." My husband, Marcel z'l, of blessed memory, always used to positively say that about missed activities. The night before the first seder I had dreamt that he, his mom, Aviva, and I were together, as we had been, at a crowded Pesach hotel. (In 1994 we had shared a crowded with chevre Pesach table with Reb Shlomo Carlebach, z”l, and his family.) The dream was comforting.

My chometz had been cleared away and sold. For seder I made Pesachdicheh chicken and salad. Earlier I had delicious matzoh ball soup that a sweet friend had graciously dropped off knowing I was ill. Purposefully, not taking much time for meal preparation or eating, left me more awake time for mystical and meaningful Haggadahs and I alone was responsible for the journey. I knew while reading them, they were relevant and made a difference to me. Last night I journeyed with "pesach, matzoh and moror"...

I loved being outside in my serene garden again, like the first night, with the fresh fragrance of orange blossoms and seeing the fruit hanging on the trees, and sounds of nature--birds, crickets, rustling leaves... and the biggest aura filled rising bright full moon. With nature, it was only me in the garden. I envisioned that I was in the Wilderness.

Computer turned off, Yom Tov candles lit, completed Seder plate (square copper hammered, a gift decades ago from my father, z'l, and hanging on my wall), matzoh on the decoupaged matzoh plate I had created three years ago, salt water, Kedem Concord grape juice--4 cups (in my very own ceramic Kiddush cup--a gift to me for performing recently at a shul's Rosh Chodesh celebration), Cup /Kos Miriyahm (I had joyously created), and Cup of Elijah, and Haggadahs, I felt joy (like an inner smile) welling from deep inside of me and spreading across my face–I was doing seder. Finally, couple hours later at night, I went inside, wanting to read and learn more, not quite tired, but feeling vulnerable because I was afraid of sitting alone at night in my own back yard. (A plague in our current era.) Fear–sad to have that feeling. I locked up and continued inside to read more Chassidic stories, although my Seder was completed outside.

I felt happy joy as I prepared, and with each of the Seder's 15 steps, which I got to repeat sometimes using simultaneously two very different Haggadahs, not easy to read/follow like childhood Maxwell House give-away Haggadahs. Breslov is total tight text, and Feminist is filled with joyous art and song. I enjoyed reclining to the left on my own self hand-made Yam Suf / Red Sea timbrel painted Miriyahm pillow. As the words I painted on my Pesach pillowcase say, " Vehayinu Kulanu Sham"/ And we were ALL there, including the women! This is also the name of the Haggadah from the American Jewish Congress Feminist Center which I participated in for all its years, in the early 1990's. I loved soulfully knowing the songs composed by Debbie Friedman, our most renowned American Jewish female and feminist singer, and alone, I could read the meaning into each of the words singing them to myself. Debbie is extraordinary and has given us so much Ruach / spirit in song. I have known Debbie for two decades, and as percussionist, it is a challenge for me to accompany her live at times, and a delight for me to dance in ecstasy as Miriyahm HaNeviah with timbrels in hand.

Just for the record, at my Solo Seders I did not have a real shank bone, nor a substitute bloody beet. I drew a Pesach bone with red color and held it up high as G*d's outstretched hand passed over the blood painted houses, saving our People. Just as Batyah's outstretched arm drew in baby Moses with Miriyahm nearby at the river’s edge; All miracles of Hashem's hand. I felt the loving energy of the Divine One. I looked at the torn-paper art work I had created of the Exodus, hanging framed on my wall, done in a Sarah's Tent workshop (shortly after my dad had died in 1999 and the very day a Metivta meditation friend, Barbara,z”l, had "passed over.")

The personal miracle for me in my NOT going elsewhere on the first night with beloved, learned, loyal Orthodox friends where I had a part to share about the ARI's Kabbalistic meaning of the Sephirotic arrangement on the Seder plate (which I had just relearned at Chabad), or going to the received invitation to another's 2nd night seder filled with people consciously politically involved, socially, spiritually, musically, where I would have been participating with strangers, and being led– the MIRACLE is that I got to go where I wanted to go: where I needed to personally, soulfully, feministically, mystically, and traditionally ritually go, and took it in deeply, without fatigue, not wondering, "When will it end?" I did not have to keep up with others' Hebrew (or Aramaic) reading out loud while I read English commentary from a few exciting Haggadahs open on my lap, which I love doing. I loved being able to say Bruchas in gender-free language as well as traditional blessings. It is a tribute to my teachers and my neshamah /soul. No one contested my feminist ORANGE on the seder plate! (Took it fresh off my tree.) Nor my reclaiming women's voice Miriyahm ritual Kos. I did miss playing with (as I do each year) my own little amusing plague jumping rubber frogs. I did not take time for whimsy. Next time. Couple years ago, I loved experientially expressing the biblical and contemporary plagues with my Sarah's Tent Seder. I offered up my “Scream” life-size blow up doll for a bissel dramatic effect.

I enjoyed going into my kitchen to ritually wash my hands with a purple plastic washing cup I had decorated with real purple feathers, metallic Mogen Dovids, and silver sparkles all glued down with the blesSings in both languages and transliteration, Baruch Ata Yah, Eloheinu Ruach HaOlam... My Jerusalem embossed Netilat Yadaim copper two handled water cup and towel filled with Israeli memories hang nearby.

I chanted in Hebrew "Mah Nishtanah...", the Four Questions, and asked myself social consciousness and feminist questions. I understood better the Four "Sons"--'Children'-- (each, partial attributes of my personality), from Pesach learning in prior weeks and rereading my own Sarah's Tent Seder presentation on "Four Adults" from last year. I had studied them a few days ago along with the complete lengthy Pesach Seder on Chabad's cyber Seder Wizard. I have just enjoyably gone through FOUR Seders!

Instead of opening a door into darkness to welcome Elijah, I opened wide my arms to G*d's glorious full moon-lit world of tall trees and vast Valley expanse seen from my hillside home. For dessert, I did miss another friend's home made, Pesachdicheh thick dark chocolate covered nuts and huge red lush fresh strawberries, and my inclusion as "family". This year I did not receive her invitation, as I had for the prior two years when life was difficult, pre and post my husband’s z”l, death. I am grateful for the invites I did receive and regret that I could not attend. My dessert was the simple unpuffed, ego-less, a child’s delight, plain broken afikomen, matzoh--Judaism's symbol of escape from slavery to freedom.

Kabbalistically, I counted the Sephirat HaOmer, and had prepared and printed out a current Omer calendar for myself (and shared/sent the Web link to others). In class with Chabad for the last two months, I reviewed the Sephirot as character building tools, preparing myself for Omer counting. I must have shown Chesed she b'Chesed / lovingness in lovingness to myself in doing seder the way I best could, as a free woman, one recovering from painful surgery days earlier, a broken immune system, and then the last few days, having feverish uncomfortable sinus infection.

I am experiencing in my own life, the drama of redemption, of going out of Mitzrayim. I had to free myself from external and internal constraints. I felt the love and support from the Compassionate One, and my family and friends. Being outside in nature--like in a desert open flapped tent, not inside a building with 'hustle and bustle', made a big difference in feeling the flow of G*d's love. The garden is where I greet G*d, where The Holy One is revealed to me in beauty and color and glorious forms and fragrance and sweet sounds. This was the first time in my 60 years of life that I was physically ALONE for Pesach Seder. I am usually alone when I greet G*d.

'Herstorically,' my second 'Orthodox' Seder was with Marcel at his parent's Montreal, Canada home in 1971, the year and a few months after we met. With struggle, since I did not know Hebrew (although I tried teaching myself as an 11 year old from 1958 New York Post Learn-A-Language Record Course four albums I had purchased), I had memorized the Four Questions. While waiting for the plane to depart from NY, in Mitzrayim /a very inner anxious state, I vomited in the airport ladies' room anticipating being with my future in-laws. Marcel was proud of my Seder recitation. The previous year's Pesach, Marcel needed surgery, and Pesach for us at his parents Long Island, N.Y. home, only four months after we began dating, was abruptly aborted in the middle of Seder with a call from Long Island Jewish Hospital, that, "a surgical bed was waiting." Thinking back on the medical 'drama du jours', each year especially in the last decade, the real question arose, "Could we work around cancer treatments, surgeries and two dozen hospitalizations and make it to Pesach and NOT tell Marcel's mother?" She only wanted to hear "good news."

Just as the Omer's 49 Counting days prepare me for entering Shavuot, my weeks of studying in depth about Pesach have prepared me for Seder, which was Mamash /truly good, since I had to lead my own solo Seder.

So much of my prior year while grieving was deeply journeying alone. Maybe I just needed my 'alone Seder' to have it less of a creative project--community event, race, as much as I appreciate being invited and participating in others' wonderful seders. Maybe this seder was just part of my life's 'tunnel passage' (not 'tunnel vision') and knowing that, I can do it, travel through it, and get to the other side. In addition to my teaching rebbes, I know I had spiritual help from 'the other side' in doing so smoothly, and I am grateful.

As soon as the second day ended, I called Thea, Marcel's 85 year old mother in Washington, DC, and thanked her for the beautiful colorful happy spring bouquet of mixed flowers (delicate orange ranunculas, aromatic, intoxicating fuscia stargazer lilies, cream and large red Gerber daisies, fluffy white stock, fiery alstromerias, stately purple dutch iris, big round white hydrangea, small purple corn flowers, breath-healing eucalyptus leaves, and more purple filler), which had arrived just before the first Seder. Marcel's mother has called me for Shabbat every week since Marcel died 17 Tevet, 14 1/2 months ago. (Why does she call?) These calls were a major surprise to me at first since I was sincerely looking forward to never having to speak with her again after Marcel died. She was my "mother-in-law."

During my thank you call, I told Thea that in accepting a marriage to Marcel, I had first agreed to a formal Jewish life--a kosher home and Jewish day school for future children. I fulfilled my agreement. I told Thea about my Solo Seder the prior two nights and shared insights with her about G*d's hand and justice and the song Chad Gadya at Seder's finale. I shared with her a redeeming lesson I had just learned from my Jerusalem rebbe Yosef Ben Shlomo Hakohen, that Rebbe Nachman teaches that the Four Children are not separate individuals, but, "that we all have aspects of of the Four Children within ourselves, each four personalities at different times for different reasons." I had always tried unsuccessfully to figure out where I fit into that foursome.

I shared with Thea how nervous I was decades earlier in the airport. I told Thea that being married to Marcel, I had a child, her dear grandchild, now dedicated to a Jewish married life, and that I have given seriously to Jewish community in many ways since my (Chabad) marriage in 1974. (I forgot I had been teaching art in three Jewish Centers in the SIXTIES before I ever knew Marcel. G*d was really trying to help me my way, get in the Jewish door.) For the FIRST time, I let Thea know that being married to HER son had enriched my life, so that for three decades I am a serious TORAH learning Jew, and share my Jewish wisdom (as little as I may know) and creativity and leadership in community. Thea listened, something I believe she did not usually do. She heard me. I cry even now feeling last night's monologue. I had been able to transcend my own limitations (Gevurah /restraint holding back on Chesed /loving kindness) in giving thanks, gratitude for a marriage to a man brought up Orthodox, a Yeshivah Bocher, unlike my own secular Jewish background. His family clearly did not understand my Neshamah nor appreciate me; a "hippie artist", a creative, passionate, loving, giving, ethical woman with a secular childhood. (Who knew that my paternal grandparents z'l had been Orthodox [from Poland, Brooklyn, and Breed Street Shul, LA] and my maternal grandfather z'l, a practicing Kohen from Ukraine and Atlanta? And I believe that my beloved maternal grandma's family lived where Rebbe Nachman had lived. Her mom's challah was the delight of the Czar.)

The Pesach Solo Seder was for me the re-enactment of the 'tunnel' to freedom. I regard myself that I have personally gone out of Egypt. Empowering myself through my Solo Seders, I had the power to free myself from my constraint that inhibited and constricted my life as a daughter-in-law. (My Reb Zalman Schachter-Shalomi teaches that we hold the keys to our own prison.) I had verbal communication with my mother-in-law, and gave gratitude for her having birthed her son, my husband, z'l. I had experienced transcendence though the fifteen steps of the Seder - recreating the Exodus, journeying from slavery to freedom. I had gone from anticipatory vomiting to solo Seder joy. I had lived an exodus and I was emancipated. I had reached out to my mother-in-law in an additional way than I have already been lovingly doing for the last year since her oldest 59 year-old son died. I felt redemption was at hand and I felt G*d's love and strength to be able to make a personal statement as a gift to Thea.

The moment I hung up the phone, my tears flowed heavily from a revealed well deep inside. Like water flowing downward from the Divine One, tears were the healing power of wisdom. Like matzoh --tears: the simplest unprepared act of involvement. As my Jerusalem rebbe explained to me earlier, my Tikun /fixing affects not only me, and my family, but G*d's greater universe as well. I remembered not only the "bitterness", but discovered the Zeisen /sweetness in Pesach.

"Vehayinu Kulanu Sham" And we were all there.

May we merit to appreciate meaning of our sufferings, comfort in community, and our redemptions in our lives.

May you, and I be blessed with a sweet Pesach; One filled with miracles in holy vessels to receive and hold with Emunah /faith the downward Sefirotic flow from the Infinite, and with liberation from narrow places to be able to expansively open a door to Elijah in the middle of the night (Exodus 10:21) and transform choshekh /darkness, struggle, misery, destruction, bitterness, ignorance, sorrow, tears and mitzrayim, to freedom and joy.

* Going back to the Breslov Haggadah today during Chol HaMo'ed Pesach, I read in the Publisher's Preface, "This Haggadah project has proven more complex... How to coordinate the Hebrew and English translation with Commentary and Midrashic Story of the Exodus required careful planning." No wonder! "...and to make this Haggadah a book to-come-back-to after the seder night," just as I am doing now. And beshert, yesterday I received a phone call from a friend to meet in a couple of weeks, Rabbi Chaim Kramer, publisher (of my very own Haggadah), and director of Breslov Research Institute. I shall proudly show him the 1998 photo of my daughter visiting the grave of Rebbe Nachman in Uman, Ukraine, near my Grandmother's shtetl, Bratslav (Breilev) where the Breslovers began. Aviva, with her Hebrew University Hillel community, had brought Pesach, matzoh, song and dance to Ukrainian shtetls.

One love, shalom and abundant blesSings of health and joy to you,

Joy

Serve G*d With Joy

"Ivdu Et Hashem B'Simcha"

I am glad that my son-in-law Brett, used at his Seder, my gift – the beautiful embroidered Pesach pillow case on which to "recline". I had purchased the hiddur mitzvah pillowcase /beautifying ritual object on my last trip to Jerusalem as a meaningful gift for Marcel, z'l, who did get to use it at Seder, before he was paralyzed, and then he died last year. I hope that next year, Aviva uses her father's blue velvet Szyk Haggadah. Aviva and Brett had seder with his loving Freedman family near Boston. I am paying for Aviva's new Pesach outfit, as my dad, Joseph, z'l used to do for his granddaughter. My dad died 26 Nissan 5759, freeing his soul during the season of transcendence. Aviva was happy to remind me of my family Passover tradition. Aviva Leba was named for my mother, an artist and writer, Libby, z'l who died ten months before I met Marcel in December 1969.

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From my cyber-study HAZON Jerusalem Torah teacher, Yosef Ben Shlomo Hakohen:

In the words of our mystical tradition, the "Tikun” – rectification and healing – that our ancestors experienced during a particular encounter is also available to us during the festival which commemorates this particular encounter. As the noted sage and Kabbalist, Rabbi Moshe Chayim Luzzatto, explains in his comments on Passover:

"The Highest Wisdom decreed that any Tikun that was attained and any great light that shone at a certain time - when that time comes around again, a semblance of that light will shine on us again; moreover, the result of that Tikun will be renewed within the one who accepts it." (Derech Hashem, Part 4, Chapter 7, Periodic Observances)

During the Exodus from Egypt, our ancestors attained their Tikun through experiencing the Divine love, and every celebration of Passover brings each of us a new opportunity to achieve this Tikun. May we therefore experience a loving and liberating Passover!

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March 2019 review

Reading my "Solo Seders" from 12 years ago to share with my current Academy of Jewish Religion/AJR class on Passover, it is sad for me to convey that many friends and family included in this essay have passed on. In addition to my husband, and Reb Shlomo, also my beloved Jerusalem Rebbe Yosef, My Reb Zalman, my Reb Zeller, singer Debbie Friedman, and my mother-in-law Thea only last month, all z"l. May their souls have an Aliyah to Shamayim.

May we all be able to recognize the blesSings that are concealed in the trials, and to turn the plagues into blesSings.

I find it hard to accept, as my current AJR class teacher Reb Ronnie Serr teaches – that Hashem makes these challenges for us to be able to face them and transcend, or for others to 'see' that a higher true G*d over Pharaoh exists. - 'That the Holy One enslaved Jews in Egypt in order for Hashem to take us out to Freedom'.

- Joy Krauthammer

Enjoy my Sephirat HaOmer site: