Noah's Shark

Fun fact: the back of an aquarium is, like, way less cool than the front. It’s all bright and smelly and loud. It’s also super confusing. I guess they forgot to put up those little guide signs when they built it. It took me like an hour to find the shark exhibit. Once I did, though, it was easy to find Finn. He was in his own separate tank right by the door. I wheeled the cooler over, then lifted off the lid and tried calling his name, but he didn’t respond. This is where it started getting tricky. If he wasn’t going to respond to his name, I would have to come up with a new way to grab his attention. I thought for a second, then pulled out my beef jerky. When I dipped a little piece into the water, his head jerked up right away and he swam over. I held it in there until the last second, when I swiftly and gracefully pulled it out and grabbed him.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Sharks are so slippery! How did you keep a grip on him? Are you really that strong?” I am. But also, sharks have kinda rough skin. It’s basically a perfect grippy surface to hold onto.

So anyways, I pulled him out, got him into the cooler, threw in a little Sunny D in case he was thirsty, and we were on our way. Just as I was about to leave, I thought we were caught. Some guy stopped me on the way out and asked what I was doing and why I was all wet. I knew I couldn’t tell him I was messing around in the shark tank, so after only like ten seconds of thinking I told him I had dropped my phone in the toilet. Pretty good idea, right? He didn’t ask a single follow-up question. It’s a good thing I’m so quick-thinking, or else I might not have made it out of there.

Getting the cooler into the car was probably the hardest part of it all. I love my Prius for its fuel efficiency, but it’s a little hard to fit a cooler big enough to hold a shark into the front seat. In the end, I had to put him in the trunk like he’s an animal or something. I just hope he was comfortable. I tried really hard to set the car up how I thought he’d like it. I got a bunch of Phish CDs and turned the heat way up so it was as hot as the beach.

Once we were home, things started out good. I set up a kiddie pool right in the living room and put Finn in there. I ordered pizza (I even got anchovies on it for him!) and picked out a movie. Don’t worry, though; I already realized Jaws would be a bad influence. I wasn’t trying to raise a hooligan. We watched Mean Girls instead, because who doesn’t like that movie? I figured if I was going to find something without a shark that Finn might enjoy, that was the safest choice.

That was a really good night, don’t get me wrong. But after that, Finn started being a little…disrespectful. He never cleaned his room, or himself, no matter how many times I asked. It started smelling so bad in there. Ridiculous, right? It’s like, I invited you into my home. The least you could do is clean up after yourself a bit. It got so bad that I had to start dumping his water out in my backyard myself. He just watched me as I did his chores. Then he stopped eating the foods I gave him unless it was fish. So rude. I told him that I wasn’t going to only eat the foods he liked, so he just didn’t eat at all some days. Not even the Lucky Charms I gave him! I tried pouring the milk into the pool first one day because maybe he’s just a weirdo, but he still wouldn’t eat it! I can’t believe I wasted so many marshmallows on him.

“I repeat, come out with your hands up. This doesn’t have to end badly, Noah.”

I guess while all that was going on, the police somehow found us. Now they’re here, at our home, trying to pull us apart. As hard as it’s been, I’m not ready to give up. I throw everything I’ve grabbed into a backpack and fill up a cooler for Finn.

“It’s just like the first day we met, isn’t it, little buddy?”

He doesn’t reply. He doesn't have to; those soulful eyes say more than he could in a million sentences.

“It’ll be okay. I’ll protect you,” I say, and then close his lid.

I drag him over to the back door and open it. I know this is going to have to be fast, so I pick the cooler up and start running. I’m going fast, faster than I ever have, and my car is getting closer, and--

Before I know it, I’m on the ground. Finn’s stupid water made a huge mud puddle and I slipped and scraped my knee. But even worse, I dropped the cooler. The water is spilling out and Finn is gasping for air (or water maybe? I’m not really sure) and I know in my heart that there’s only one way to save him.

I scoop him up into my arms and run back around to the front of the house.

“Help! Somebody help! He needs water!”

A couple of nerds in white coats run up and take him from me. Before I can see where they’re going, I feel someone behind me grab my arms and start pushing me towards a squad car.

“You’re going away for a long time, sicko.”

He may be right. But if that’s the price I have to pay for the little time I spent with my precious boy, then so be it. I should’ve known it was never going to last anyway. Finn’s a shark. He needs a lady shark to be truly happy, and I could never give that to him, no matter how much better I was at taking care of him than the aquarium could ever be. I just hope he had as much fun as I did. I hope he remembers our time together fondly, and if we ever meet again I hope he remembers who I am. I know I’ll never forget him.