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I'm back in Maryland, just visiting. I don’t miss it much, especially the unpredictable weather… but there are some things I do miss. I miss those hot summer days as a kid, I miss swimming in that dirty river, I miss my youth. Coming back here for the first time in a few years is shattering my heart in a billion tiny pieces, over and over again.
“The flight was easy and smooth, '' I told my dad, after he asked me exactly 56 questions about our flight here. My 5 year old daughter and I are visiting my father at his home. He is in Florida. I decided to not come with my husband because I just needed to be alone this time up here.
“Dad, I think Maddy and I are going to check out the old house later on, I will show her all the cool little spots.”
After I said that my father’s frown made my stomach drop, he realized I caught him red-handed so he put on the fakest smile I’d seen in a while.
“I think that's great, are you heading out now?”
“Yep, you coming? We are gonna get dinner later on too!”
“Nah, I’m good honey, maybe give me a call when your getting dinner, I’ll join you two later on.”
“Alright love you.”
“Love you grandpa.”
Its that funny feeling again, nostalgia they call it, I never understood it until now, but this is maybe the worst feeling ever. As I come around the corner covered in changing trees, where my childhood home sits still, not moving, but still... not as I remembered that horrible day where that whole house felt as if it was shaking with absolute shock of my 17 year old self and poor, poor father. I choke up, but I must pull myself together, for my Maddy. I pull into the driveway, and it's the same as all of us left it.
“Charleston" Cheyenne Elliott
“Come on baby.”
Maddy skips over and grabs my hand. I unlock that century old door and everything looks exactly the same.
“This is where I grew up Maddy girl, me and your uncle were raised here, what do you
think.”
“It's cozy and warm.”
“I agree baby.”
I don’t think I can go around that hall, pass my old purple room, I just can’t do it, it reeks of him. “I can do it, you won’t stop me Andrew, you gotta leave me alone, we are adults now, I’m stronger than you.”
Walking down that hall was the realest thing I have experienced since that day. That day I saw you at the end of that hall lying down, with your bedroom door cracked open, a big needle hanging out your arm, lifeless. And I could do nothing about it, I should have known, how did I not know, I ignored it. You forced me to grow up real quick Andrew, and I won’t forgive you for it, leaving me here on my own.
My weak knees give out, as I fall to that floor begging from you some kind of explanation that will get my 30 year old self to feel you a little less then I did when I was 17, but I can’t, you still hurt the same, and you still hurt dad the same as you did 13 years ago. You never even got to meet your beautiful niece.
“Mommy, why are you crying, its okay mommy, you know he would want you to be strong for me, strong for me ma.”
Something about the way Maddy had said that, reminded me so much of Andrew at that moment. As I build the courage to get up and say goodbye for another long time in a while, my daughter gives me so much strength. I walked out that door with relief, I needed to know he is here.
I got dinner with Maddy and my father that night, and something about this place finally
felt like home again.
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