Guidelines

As the new academic year approaches, you are undoubtedly beginning to plan that special personal simcha of your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

At this time, I would like to call your attention to a number of important items regarding your forthcoming simcha.

1) THE DATE: A boy becomes a Bar Mitzvah at age 13 and a girl becomes Bat Mitzvah at 12 according to their Hebrew birth date. There are some periods during the calendar year (especially between Pesach and Shavuot and three weeks during the summer) that need halachic clarification before scheduling a party with music. Please consult with an appropriate halachic authority on any questions you might have in order to avoid problems that might occur. In addition, boys begin putting on tefillin approximately one month before their thirteenth birthday.

2) RESERVING A DATE: As a service to the parent body, Rebecca Gordon and Elana Samad in the Educational Office log the dates of bar/bat mitzvah celebrations in order to avoid conflicts. Please do your utmost to try to avoid a conflict for the Shabbat services as well. Only one date and time for Shabbat, and only one for an additional celebration can be reserved for each child. Please let Rebecca or Elana know if your celebration is taking place exclusively on Shabbat. You can reserve a date by emailing Rebecca and Elana 24 months before the date of the actual event and before you plan your simcha and then again in necessary, with any changes you would like to make before it is finalized. The simcha calendar will be made available on line to families in our school for planning purposes. We will only accept email instructions and changes. If a conflict arises with the date and time families are asked to coordinate with each other to resolve the matter. No family will receive preference for a date/time prior to 6 months before the event. Modeling for our children how we resolve conflict is one of the most important lessons that they take away from the bar-and bat-mitzvah experience.

Invitations should not be distributed in school. When your child is invited to a simcha, he/she should make it a priority to attend and to enhance the celebration. While it may be one of many parties for your child, for the celebrant it is a once-in-a-lifetime event.

3) CHILD’S GUEST LIST: When making your guest list, please remember our school policy of either inviting all the boys in the grade, all the girls in the grade, the entire grade, or less than twenty-five per cent of any aforementioned groups. For class lists, please refer to the School Directory Tab in Parent Locker. Please take an active role in determining your child’s invitation list.

Additionally, we will only accept requests for dates from families agreeing to uphold and abide by the guidelines set forth in this document. By reserving a date on our school calendar you agree to adhere to the school policy pertaining to all aspects of the event.

Bar and Bat-Mitzvah celebrations are the culmination of many years of guided study in leading a Torah-true life. An invitation list which leaves a small group of children feeling marginalized is not in keeping with the true purpose of these celebrations. It is also not in line with the ideals of chessed and v’ahavta l’reacha kamocha which we have worked so hard to inculcate here at Yavneh.

Please work with us and help us practice what we preach! Please contact the administration with any individual issues.

4) THE CATERER: There are many caterers available who meet the highest level of kashruth,

quality and service. It is essential that you choose your caterer carefully and are sure that the establishment is supervised by a rabbinical organization recognized by the Rabbinical Council of Bergen County. Therefore, when completing the enclosed information form, please fill out the name of the caterer, as requested. We do not want, G-d forbid, any of our parents to find out when it is too late that a given caterer is questionable. If in doubt, please ask me before making arrangements.

5) THE SIMCHA: The actual party is a religious experience and the formal rite of passage to adulthood. It is important that the atmosphere at the party reflects the traditional standards that are taught during the school year and are in consonance with the values that are being taught in the school.

6) SUPERVISION: It goes without saying that when our children are invited to a party, there be constant, adequate adult supervision so that all aspects of the simcha are meaningful and conducted with proper derech eretz.

A special note must be added regarding a weekend celebration. When a large group of children gather at a hotel or resort for a weekend without strict adult supervision, the result can be most distressful for the hosts of the simcha. Our students are well behaved, but if left on their own for extended periods of time, they can become mischievous, as to be expected. It is essential that every simcha includes adults who are responsible for the discipline of the children, and special care must be taken when it is a weekend event. Children must be taught, in and out of school, to always act as b’nai Torah.

7) AFTER THE SIMCHA: Students are expected to quickly resume their regular academic activities after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah and continue giving us the nachat for which we all strive. Please do not schedule late evening affairs on a school night ending after 9 p.m.; this includes Sunday evening.

8) BAR/BAT MITZVAH GIFTS: During the past few years, when the children begin sixth grade, a parent committee organizes a gift program for all students as they become Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Please look out for a letter with more details regarding this program.

9) TIME MANAGEMENT AND THE BAR/BAT MITZVAH YEARS- Please realize the packed schedule that our girls experience in the sixth grade, and our boys in seventh grade, as they have weekly celebrations of their friends to attend. Helping your child manage his/her time and prioritize is essential. Especially during sixth grade this management needs parental input, as our students are both transitioning to middle school and experiencing an intense bat mitzvah schedule at the same time.

10) IN SCHOOL – LAINING/HANACHAT TEFILLIN/D’VAR TORAH

Many families enjoy holding part of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah celebration in school, either the first time that their son puts on tefillin or reads from the Torah or their son/daughter gives a D’var Torah. Family members are always welcome to join us at our daily minyan, and bringing in a light breakfast (i.e., donuts and juice) for the grade has become a common practice, although not a requirement. If you would like to have one of these celebrations in school, please contact Rabbi Ross to confirm the date and for any further questions.

11) YAVNEH'S ROLE IN ACKNOWLEDGING AND HIGHLIGHTING YOUR CHILD'S BAR/BAT MITZVAH- At Yavneh, we realize the importance of this milestone for your child. For most, there is tremendous excitement and pressure to be ready for this big day. We therefore:

a. Alert teachers to the dates of Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebrations in the coming month so that they can be aware of the additional pressures the child is under during that time, and of course, wish a heartfelt mazal tov to the child.

b. In Sixth Grade Advisory, there is a Bar/Bat Mitzvah Etiquette unit where we stress with the students the impact that their behaviors as a guest can have on their peers' smachot. In a practical way, we discuss appropriate and inappropriate behaviors at the davening, and at the celebration. We encourage you, as parents, to partner with us by reminding your children before Bar/Bat Mitzvahs what is expected of them in terms of decorum, and how they can contribute in a positive way to their friend's special day.

Once again, mazal tov on your forthcoming simcha.