Post date: Apr 26, 2018 8:44:50 PM
In 1989, Preston and Logan travel through time to gather famous historical figures for their senior project. During the ensuing commotion, the philosopher Socrates finds himself with time to spare at the local mall. Ever the industrious fellow, Socrates obtains a job at a gyro stand. A well-placed security camera captures Socrates taking his first order.
CUSTOMER: I'll have a classic gyro please.
SOCRATES: Would you like fries with that?
CUSTOMER: Sure, why not.
SOCRATES: I presume, by your reply, that you take fries to be tasty.
CUSTOMER: Yup.
SOCRATES: If you don't mind my asking, would you like fries because they are tasty, or are they tasty because you would like them?
CUSTOMER: What?
SOCRATES: Let me put it another way. Do you take baklava to be tasty?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
SOCRATES: May I infer, then, that you would like baklava with your gyro?
CUSTOMER: No. I want the fries.
SOCRATES: So the baklava is tasty even though you would not like any?
CUSTOMER: That's right.
SOCRATES: But you take the fries to be tasty, and you said you would like fries?
CUSTOMER: Yeah.
SOCRATES: Presumably, then, you would not like the fries because they are tasty. For the baklava, despite being tasty, is not something you would like.
CUSTOMER: OK.
SOCRATES: Then you must find the fries to be tasty because you like them?
CUSTOMER: Sure.
SOCRATES: But if you would not like the fries because they are tasty, why would you like them?
CUSTOMER: Dude, I would like them because I want to eat. Just give me the fries already.
SOCRATES: Of course, of course. What size would you like?
CUSTOMER: I guess a medium will do.
SOCRATES: We are running a special – upgrade to a large for just 50 cents more.
CUSTOMER: OK, the large then.
SOCRATES: Do you want the large because of the special, or because you would like the large?
CUSTOMER: Come on!
SOCRATES: Just curious. It's to help us with our business, to see how effective our special is.
CUSTOMER: I guess I want the large because of the special.
SOCRATES: I see. Then you do not want the large because you would like the large?
CUSTOMER: Right.
SOCRATES: But if you are ordering something you would not like because of the special, then perhaps you do not want to order the fries at all even though you would like the fries.
CUSTOMER: No, I want the fries.
SOCRATES: But we have a weekly special today on dolmades, and perhaps you want the dolmades instead of the fries.
CUSTOMER: What?
SOCRATES: Because of the special.
CUSTOMER: Oh. What's the special?
SOCRATES: You get an order of dolmades for the same price as an order of large fries. Would you like the dolmades instead of the fries?
CUSTOMER: Sure, that's a good deal.
SOCRATES: Indeed. But—and this is strictly to help us with our business—would you like the dolmades rather than the fries because of the special, or would you like the dolmades rather than the fries because the dolmades are tastier than the fries.
CUSTOMER: I'm ordering the dolmades at the moment because of the special. But in general, I think the dolmades are tastier than the fries.
SOCRATES: Do you mean to say that, at least to some extent, you would like the dolmades because they are tasty?
CUSTOMER: Exactly.
SOCRATES: But surely you do not mean to say that.
CUSTOMER: What?! Yes. I do. I do mean to say just that.
SOCRATES: You said earlier that you did not want the fries because they were tasty, did you not?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
SOCRATES: How, then, can you want the dolmades because they are tasty and yet not want the fries even though the fries, too, are tasty? Perhaps you should order both the dolmades and the fries.
CUSTOMER: No, I don't think so. I'd just like the classic gyro with the dolmades special.
SOCRATES: But surely you would give our establishment a poor review if you requested an order of dolmades but received an order of fries.
CUSTOMER: I suppose I would.
SOCRATES: And why, in your opinion, would this merit a poor review?
CUSTOMER: You wouldn't have given me what I asked for.
SOCRATES: In ordering the dolmades because they are tasty, however, you are asking for tasty food, are you not?
CUSTOMER: Obviously.
SOCRATES: You told me earlier that you found the fries to be tasty, did you not?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
SOCRATES: Now I know we've been chatting for some time. But it's only because I want you to be satisfied with your service. And since you just agreed that you would give us a poor review if we did not give you tasty food, I'll take the liberty of adding the fries to your order, too.
CUSTOMER: What? Wait. No. I don't want the fries.
SOCRATES: You do not, then, take the fries to be tasty?
CUSTOMER: Look. I'll take the fries if they're free. But I'm not paying for the fries and the dolmades.
SOCRATES: I see. You will, however, pay for the dolmades?
CUSTOMER: Yeah. I'll pay for what I order. But I'm not ordering the fries. So I won't pay for the fries.
SOCRATES: Fair enough. Will you pay for the dolmades because you've ordered them, or are you ordering them because you will pay for them?
CUSTOMER: I'll pay because I've ordered them.
SOCRATES: And you're ordering them, in this particular case, because of the special?
CUSTOMER: That's right. They're usually more expensive than the large fries, but the special makes them the same price.
SOCRATES: I declare! Surely the special does no such thing. Tell me, friend, what is the quantity in virtue of which the large fries and the dolmades do not differ, but are both the same?
CUSTOMER: What? What are you talking about? They're the same price.
SOCRATES: I'll agree, of course, that they're the same price. But surely they cannot be the same price by virtue of having the same price.
CUSTOMER: If you put it that way, you're right. But they're the same price because the price of the one is the same as the price of the other.
SOCRATES: You are saying that they are the same price because their prices are identical?
CUSTOMER: Right.
SOCRATES: So the dolmades are the same price as the large fries because the price of the dolmades is identical to the price of the large fries?
CUSTOMER: Yes. Exactly.
SOCRATES: This is a kind of mathematical identity, is it not?
CUSTOMER: It is.
SOCRATES: And mathematical identity is a mathematical relation?
CUSTOMER: Yeah.
SOCRATES: Would you agree that mathematical summation is also a mathematical relation, as when we say that 5 is the mathematical summation of 2 and 3?
CUSTOMER: I would. There are lots of mathematical relations.
SOCRATES: Would you say that 5 being the mathematical summation of 2 and 3 is something that changes depending on the day of the week?
CUSTOMER: No, of course not. 2 plus 3 sums to 5 every day of the week.
SOCRATES: And the sum of 2 plus 3 is identical to 5 every day of the week as well?
CUSTOMER: Yup. All day, every day.
SOCRATES: So mathematical identity, like mathematical summation, does not change depending on the day of the week?
CUSTOMER: Right.
SOCRATES: You are aware that our specials do change depending on the day of the week, are you not?
CUSTOMER: Yes. That's what the sign next to the cash register says.
SOCRATES: And you said, did you not, that the dolmades are the same price as the large fries because the price of the dolmades is mathematically identical to the price of the large fries?
CUSTOMER: Yup. That's obvious.
SOCRATES: You agree that differing in properties means differing in being, as with melopita differing from milopita?
CUSTOMER: Sure. Because melopita is made with custard and milopita is made with apples.
SOCRATES: You will agree, then, that if mathematical identity does not change depending on the day of the week and our specials do change depending on the day of the week, our specials do not make mathematical identities?
CUSTOMER: That seems to follow.
SOCRATES: Then our special does not, after all, make the dolmades the same price as the large fries?
CUSTOMER: I guess not.
SOCRATES: You would like for me to charge you regular price for the dolmades, then?
CUSTOMER: What? No. I'm only ordering the dolmades because of the special.
SOCRATES: I'm only trying to give you what you want. You just agreed, did you not, that the special does not make the dolmades the same price as the large fries?
CUSTOMER: You're seriously annoying me, dude. I want to talk to a manager.
SOCRATES: My sincere apologies. Perhaps I should not have had this drink.
Socrates holds up a large cup, marked with a green, triangular, dissected leaf.
CUSTOMER: You drank that?
Not so funny now. Or is it!?!