Cared For and Supported

by Sue Acuna

A couple of weeks ago I returned from a seminar and shared with my class at Concordia, Tacoma, the slides I'd used with students in Loveland, Colorado. When the image of Charlie Brown and Snoopy came up, the reaction was startling:

"Yes! YES!!"

"I wish my parents knew this!"

"Could you please tell this to my mom?"

"Can I take a picture of that and show it to my dad?"

While it is a parent's instinct to rescue or cheer up or smooth the way, understandingbecomes more important than problem-fixing once a child reaches 10 or 11 years old. Middle school is full of emotional ups and downs, and relationships are everything. When things go wrong with friends or classmates, the whole world crashes down on them. Empathy is actually appreciated more than interference, so instead of calling other parents or talking to teachers, a wise parent will be understanding but hands off.

School is also more stressful than parents remember. While teens don't have to worry about mortgage payments or aging parents, they do have to face countless opportunities to feel dumb, along with perceived judgment from their peers, sitting still all day, and more work when they get home. Instead of convincing them that their lives aren't so bad, parents will connect better if they express empathy for the trials and anxiety that accompany adolescence.

When things go wrong in your middle schooler's life, pause before reacting. Don't offer solutions or try to make things better. Resist the urge to ask questions starting with "Why. . .?" or "How. . .?"  Be available, but don't push your way in. Offer food or a blanket but don't insist. Ask if a hug would be okay, but don't be surprised if the answer is no. Your understanding and patience will be appreciated, far more than your offer of help. And even if your don't say the words, your middle schooler will hear "I love you" coming through loud and clear.

I recently read an excellent blog titled  Four Things Children Do Not Need, and it got me thinking about what middle schoolers do not need--and what they do.  :

What they don't need:

1. Belittling--they're hard on themselves already, and they spend the day feeling like they don't measure up to their peers.  Instead of focusing on their flaws, look for what's going well in their lives, and point it out in an offhanded way:  "I noticed you were patient with your brother."

2. Pressure--Grades don't matter as much in middle school as work habits do.  Students who experience too much pressure are tempted to cheat or develop anxiety.  Help them to figure out how to organize in a way that makes sense to them and encourage strengthening skills such as writing, mental math, and critical thinking.  Such skills will do help build success in high school.

3. Overcommitment--If your middle schooler can't start homework until 8 or 9 o'clockevery night, it may be time to drop an activity.  Experimenting at this age is great, but more than one or two teams or commitments is too many and often interferes with their sleep schedule.  Making choices is an important life skill!

4. Interrogation--This came straight from a 7th grader and was echoed by her peers:  "Every day my parents ask the same question: 'How was school today?' Then they get upset when I say it was fine!" I asked how parents are supposed to know what's going on, and the response was unanimous--assume everything's normal until you hear otherwise.

What they do need:

1. Honesty/Openness--Again, this came from the middle schoolers.  If Grandma is really sick, they want to know.  Shielding kids from adult troubles is not a bad thing, but do speak the truth, even if it's only a portion of the big picture.  In the words of an 8th grader, don't "sugarcoat" everything.

2. Unconditional Love--Teens who know they have this from their parents won't have to make them prove it.  If your middle schooler fails a class, or gets caught smoking, or sends a bullying text, will your forgiveness be a given?  Of course there will be consequences, but is your continued love a no-brainer in your middle schooler's mind and heart?

3. Boundaries--They already have friends their own age; what they need from you is parenting.  Sometimes they will get mad, and they may even hate you, but they will get over it.  Be firm but fair, stay as calm as possible, but do hand out consequences and then stick with them.  No teen ever died from having a phone taken away, and no parent yet has been hospitalized from a fierce glare or a cold shoulder.

4. Value--People of all ages want to be listened to, taken seriously, and understood.  Teens especially feel this as they begin the transition to adulthood.  Let your middle schoolers know they matter by pocketing your phone, listening without interrupting, and responding with empathy--the same as you want them to do for you.  Follow some of their suggestions and speak well of them within their hearing.  Hug them when they'll let you, and send them understanding looks when they won't.

These years are intense, but they will pass quickly and leave you with a high schooler.  Invest in your relationship now.  Stay connected and supportive, and you may find the last half of the teen years to be easier than the first!

A friend with sons ages 12 and 15 recently told me this story:

I had a good parenting moment this morning.  My son lied to me and tried to brush it off,  so I told him I was disappointed with him.  I pointed out that he wants respect and trust from me, but then he lies to me.  I said, "That's not how it works," and I walked away without delivering a lecture. 

After he'd showered, we were in the kitchen together when he actually said, "Sorry I lied to you, Mom."  I said, "Thanks, Bud," and went on with my morning routine.  I am always shocked when it turns out like that.

Three things this mom did right:

1. Delivering an "I" message ("I'm disappointed") instead of making an accusation;

2. Making her point in only a few words and then walking away;

3. Accepting his apology with grace and ending it there.

She also managed to avoid some of the pitfalls of parenting teens, such as yelling or belittling, which only lead to more issues like disrespect or defensive attitudes.

Sometimes parents feel that there's no avoiding hostility and anger when confronting teens, but it doesn't have to be that way.  If you can take a deep breath and keep calm, you're more likely to get the results you want--and avoid those that you don't want!

Sue Acuna | February 2, 2016 at 10:58 am | Tags: adolescence, adolescents, communicating with your teen, fighting parenting battles, help for parenting teens, help for parents of middle schoolers,middle school issues, middle schoolers, parenting middle schoolers, Parenting Teens, parenting tweens, surviving the teen years, teen-agers | Categories: Communication, Tips and Tricks,Uncategorized | URL: http://wp.me/pCHSf-FY

They Don’t Think Like We Do

by Sue Acuna

Last week we went on a field trip.  One student arrived at school late and was literally the last one to board the bus.  About 15 minutes down the road, my phone rang and a confused parent on the other end asked, "Did you forget me?"  Oops - it was the mother of my late student, and I had, indeed, forgotten her.  When I questioned her daughter about why she hadn't asked me to wait for her mom, she said, "Because you told us that you wouldn't wait for anybody who was late!"

Later that same day, I stood outside in a huddle of 8th graders who were trying to stay warm in 45-degree weather.  I reminded them that I had encouraged them to dress warmly, and one of them replied, "I did! I'm wearing my sweatshirt!"

The next day I stopped a 7th grader and asked him why he was walking down the hall like a penguin.  "It's my new shoes," he explained.  "If I bend my feet, they're going to get creases above my toes!"

I see and hear this kind of thing every day.  Despite what they think, teens don't yet have the world figured out.  They lack life experience, and they haven't developed much of what we adults call "common sense" - but what is really wisdom gained from living and learning.

Sometimes they make us laugh, sometimes they make us stop and question ourselves, but if you listen carefully - they'll always give you a glimpse into how their unfolding brains work!

They never cease to surprise me.

I Don’t Want to Brag

by Sue Acuna

We were in the middle of a student-led conference, looking over the 8th grader's self-evaluation, when I asked the toughest question of all:  "What do you think you're doing well?"  The student froze in anxiety and stammered, "Um, I dunno.  Like, turning in my work, I guess?  I'm not sure, really. . ."  

Here was a student who had many A's on her report card and high marks in behavior, yet she panicked when asked to say something nice about herself.  This scenario was repeated several times at other conferences, so I asked my 8th graders why it was such a hard to question to answer.

"We don't want to sound like we're bragging on ourselves" was the reply.  I tried to explain that being honest about your abilities and accomplishments wasn't the same as acting superior to your classmates or putting someone else down.  They weren't convinced.  It's the same problem they have when they're paid a compliment.  "It's so awkward," they say.  "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."  When I tell them they just need to thank the speaker, they complain, "But then it's like I'm agreeing, like I'm saying, 'Yeah, I know.  I am that good.'"

When you say something nice to teens, or you speak well of them in their hearing, don't be surprised if their response is less than gracious - if, for example, they shrug or downplay it.  I sometimes supply them with the correct answer - "Just say, 'Thanks, Mrs. Acuna'" - to let them off the hook.  

To which they'll (un)graciously reply, "Thanks. . .I guess?"

It Won’t Be Cute When She’s 13

by Sue Acuna

As we walked into the restaurant, I glanced down at a baby in a car seat - and took a second look.  There she was, iPad in both hands, watching a preschool video and tapping on the cutesy characters in it.  She couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 months old, but her parents had given it to her to keep her entertained as they waited for a table.

I could see the future: 12 years from now they'll enter the same restaurant, and she'll have her head bent over her phone.  As he walks through the door, her dad will look over his shoulder and snarl, "You're always on that thing!  Can't you put it away for once?"  And she'll shrug and continue what she's doing.

The Academy of Pediatrics (AAP.org) recommends zero screen time for children under two years old, but that's not the main point.  What bothers me is that this baby's parents are starting her obsession with electronics so early  The good news is that it's never too late to make changes.  If you see more of the top of your teen's head than his or her face, you have every right to set some limits, such as "No phones at the table" or "No phones while we watch this movie together."  It's a form of courtesy, which isn't shown nearly enough in modern society.

Just be sure to practice what you preach!

Inaction is Safer Than Wrong Action

by Sue Acuna

Last night our school held its annual Fall Festival, and several middle school students volunteered as helpers.  One of their jobs was to keep the candy prizes stocked from the stash in the storage room.  An adult helper was amused at how the students would hold their empty buckets over the large candy-filled bin and state, "I need more candy."  "They didn't see the pile of candy right in front of them!" he exclaimed.

They saw it, all right.  But they are still on the threshold between the worlds of children and adults, and in a child's world, you can get yelled at for taking the initiative.

In class last week, Abi asked for my closet key so she could securely store her phone.  As she returned the key, I noticed the closet door was standing wide open.  "Abi," I said, "your phone isn't very safe if the door isn't closed."  "I know," she said, "but that's how I found it."

Middle schoolers appear to have no common sense because what passes as "common sense" to adults is actually wisdom that comes from experience.   For most middle schoolers, it's safer not to do anything and take the consequences.

A 7th grader was sent to my room by his teacher early in the day.   As my students rose to their feet to pledge to the flag, the 7th grader started to stand up, hesitated, and sat back down.  He was torn between standing - and risking the 8th graders telling him to sit because he's not part of our class - or sitting and appearing disrespectful. He chose the latter.

Instead of yelling at middle schoolers when they choose not to do something, parents should first ask why, and then use it as a teachable moment.  Abi now knows that security is the best choice, and the 7th grader knows that standing is always respectful.

As far as the candy goes, it doesn't matter.  It's long gone!

I’m Still Seeing Attitude

by Sue Acuna

I expected it:  some parents got defensive after the last post (All That Attitude).  "But," they said, "what if I'm speaking in a calm and reasonable tone and I still get attitude?"

That's when you use "The One," which is simply your index finger pointed up, as in "Wait."  Don't comment on the attitude and don't reply to what's being said (it's probably just to bait you anyway); instead, say, "Wow.  I don't feel very respected by your tone (or words).  Could you try that again, but more respectfully, please?"  As lame as it may sound, I have almost 100 percent success with this.

If the comment is repeated in a nicer tone, then respond pleasantly or with empathy, depending on what is said.  For example, your reply to "Why do I have to do all the work around here?" might be, "It feels like it sometimes, doesn't it?  I can totally relate."

If it's out of line no matter the tone, as in, "I said, 'I hate my brother,'" don't overreact.  You can deflect attitude by being neutral - try shrugging and saying, "Seems like everybody feels that way once in awhile."  No need to lecture on using "hate" or other strong language; by middle school, they've heard it.  Again,  you're being baited.

If the comment isn't repeated because the speaker knows it's over the line, or because not repeating it is a power ploy ("Just forget it"), then let it go.  End the conversation.  Change the subject.  Avoid getting sucked into a battle that isn't related to anything else.

It takes patience and willpower to head off an Incident, and you may need to phone a friend to vent afterward, but stick with it and you'll see the dreaded Attitude diminish.

(Just be sure you're not the one who invites it back.)

All That Attitude

by Sue Acuna

When I mention that I teach middle school, two things happen:  1) I get blessed, as in, "Oh, bless you - that's not an easy job." and 2) I get asked how I  handle all that attitude.

But the reality is, I don't get much attitude from students.  The eye rolling, shrugging, hair flipping, steely-eyed glaring - I see very little of it.  Correction:  I see very little of it directed at me.However, I do see it directed at other adults.  So why not at me in my classroom?

It's not because I terrify them.  Spend an hour in my classroom and you'll pick up on that, as the teasing goes both ways.  But I do demand respect, and that, too, goes both ways.  And that may be part of the answer:  I treat my students with respect.  Teens match their tone of voice to the tone being used with them, so I try to keep mine calm.  I can't do it all the time - sometimes I'm too frustrated - but more often than not, I keep my cool.

The other part of the answer is a little trick I call "intentional ignorance."  For example, if I've had to tell a student that she can't play in a basketball game because of low grades, and she throws herself into her seat and glares at me, I will pretend not to see her little tantrum.  Unless she gets so loud that she's disrupting the class, I will turn a blind eye to her antics until she settles down.  If she does get disruptive, I'll (calmly) ask her to visit another classroom until she has herself under control.

Why don't I have to deal with "all that attitude?" Probably because I choose to ignore it - and not to return it.

It’s Rated R For A Reason

by Sue Acuna

Last week when we were discussing spring break plans, Amelia said she wanted to see the new Selena Gomez movie.  When I pointed out that it was rated R, she said that wasn't a problem: "My mom will take me."

I looked up the movie on IMDB.com and read the Parent Guide notes aloud.  After hearing several descriptions of drug use, nudity, and sexual situations, Amelia looked alarmed.  "I didn't know all that was in there," she said.  "I just thought the previews looked funny!"

The MPAA ratings may have their flaws, but they do serve a purpose, when parents heed them.   Had Amelia's mom taken her to see the film without doing some checking first, it could've been uncomfortable and awkward for everyone.  There are several sites besides IMDB; Kids-in-Mind and Common Sense Media provide good info for parents (you can click on either name to access the site).

Teens - especially young teens - are forming their morals and values based partly on what they observe adults doing.  It's important for the adults closest to them to guide them in making good choices.

And maybe to do a little research for them.

The Cell Phone Dilemma

by Sue Acuna

Last Christmas one mom gave her 13-year-old a new phone - accompanied by a list of 18 rules he'd have to follow to keep it.  It's made the rounds of TV stations and Facebook, but if you haven't read it, you can check it out here:  Gregory's iPhone Contract.

I shared it with my 7th and 8th grade girls and learned that some of them text late into the night (and very early in the morning), without their parents' knowledge.  A handful have phones protected by passwords which their parents don't know.  If the phone gets confiscated, they're smart enough to delete any incriminating texts or photos before handing it over.  One or two said that their parents don't even know how their phone works.

Most parents agree that there should be some rules for phone use, but many are either too busy or too reluctant to actually enforce any.  They may insist the family computer be kept in the living room,but  they forget that a smart phone places all of cyberspace - and hundreds of fun apps - right in the palm of an adolescent hand.

While 18 may seem excessive,  it is important for parents to make at least a few rules - and to enforce them.  Just like proper hygiene, appropriate cell phone usage has to be taught.  Discuss with your teen restrictions on time limits and your expectations for text, picture, and internet content, and agree on consequences for broken rules.  Take charge of the cell phone rather than letting your teen be in charge of it.

And don't forget that one of the nicest things about cell phones is their portability - they fit nicely into parents' purses or pockets!

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How Bad Could It Be?  http://mrsacuna.wordpress.com/2013/01/20/how-bad-could-it-be/

Faking Nice  http://mrsacuna.wordpress.com/2013/01/15/faking-nice/

I Had A Bad Day  http://mrsacuna.wordpress.com/2013/01/03/i-had-a-bad-day/

Now What?  http://mrsacuna.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/now-what/

Rage Quit  http://mrsacuna.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/rage-quit/

Wait...What? http://mrsacuna.wordpress.com/2012/09/25/wait-what/