Addams Family Monologues
Monologue Selections:
* Please choose at least one monologue to prepare (per character that you’re auditioning for). * We would like you to be fully memorized.
* Make sure you know where the jokes are, and deliver them like jokes!
* We would like to see two different characters if you are auditioning for a lead or supporting role!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - GOMEZ ADDAMS: Mr. Malcolm Beineke, I presume, and the lovely Mrs. Malcolm Beineke. (pointing his blade at Lucas) And you must be young Lucas - (looks back to Mal, then again to Lucas) Unless of course you are the father, and you are the son, with a massive thyroid problem. (laughs, then) I go too far. No matter, the night, she is young. Welcome to our extremely normal home. Gomez Florencia Addams, at your service. Allow me to present my wife, la duena, mother of my children, el amor de mi vida... the love of my life - Morticia!
GOMEZ ADDAMS: Where are we from? Funny you should ask. July 31st, 1715…the Spanish warship, Pico de Gallo, commanded by my great nautical ancestor, Captain General Redondo Ventana Laguna Don Jose Cuervo, leaves Madrid, bound for the new world. Three weeks later, he is still in Madrid, as Madrid is over four hundred miles from the nearest ocean. A stubborn man, he sets sail anyway, only to sink, six months later, off the southern coast of Florida—a hostile land, infested with mosquitoes and rattlesnakes. But enough about us!
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MORTICIA ADDAMS: I told that Beineke woman we kept nothing from each other. And look at the thanks I get. I gave up my dreams for the sake of this family. I wanted to travel. I wanted to see Paris! I never saw the sewers of Paris! And now it’ll never happen! So that’s how it ends... alone and forgotten in a tiny room, living on cat food and broken dreams - that’s what happens to mothers. Look at yours. She came for the weekend, the weeks turned into months, it’s twelve years later and she’s still up there: Deceived, Deluded. Smoking in the attic. A grandma. Well, I’m not going to end up like your mother. You lied to me, and I can’t live with that.`
MORTICIA ADDAMS: Gomez - do you love your daughter? Do you care for her mental well-being? Do you want her to spend the rest of her days hating us because we let her ruin her life? Now stop prattling and go tell her the dinner is off. You’re the father. The father is the canceller. And if after 25 years of marriage, you can't do this one thing for me, then I just don't know what!
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UNCLE FESTER: We have a problem. That's right. Little Wednesday Addams - that charming, irrepressible bundle of malice who would poison her own brother just for a ride in the ambulance - has grown up and found love. (to the ANCESTORS) So here’s the deal. Gather around. I’m not letting you back into that crypt until love triumphs. So who is this Lucas fella? Is he worthy of her? Do they really love each other? What is love anyway? does this rash look serious to you? So many questions about love. But when you think about it, is there anything more important?
UNCLE FESTER: Storm’s passed. Think I’ll get a little moon. Yoo hoo, where are you hiding? Are you playing with me, my only one? There you are! Look at her. Lovely, is she not? And so far away. Yes, in matters of love, my dears, distance is our friend. Closeness? No thank you. Quarter of a million miles away--that’s a good distance for romance. We never fight, each waning is a heartbreaking separation. Each meeting, a happy reunion.
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WEDNESDAY ADDAMS: Daddy, I have something to tell you. Can you keep a secret? Oh daddy, Lucas wants to marry me! Lucas Beineke loves me and he wants to marry me. I’ve never even met his parents, and he’s never met mine, and - I just need to be sure. That the families can get along. I mean, he has to know what he’s getting into. I’m saying we’re who we are, and they're from Ohio. But, we can’t tell mother – Daddy, please! She’ll ask a lot of embarrassing questions and wreck the whole thing. After dinner and we’re all friends, then we’ll tell her. Daddy, please! If you love me. Do you love me Daddy? One tiny little secret. Please. Please. Oh, thank you daddy!
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS: OK, family meeting. About tonight. Now. Here’s the schedule. First, we have drinks, like ‘Hi, nice to meet you.’ And then they’ll want to see the house, and then at eight, we’ll have dinner and they can be back at their hotel by nine thirty. Oh please, Daddy! It’s just a dinner, and they’re dying to meet you—and I promised Lucas—and you know how I hate to break a promise. Daddy, I’m your only daughter and your eldest child, and if you can’t do this one thing for me, then I just don’t know what!
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GRANDMA Me ! Me ! Me! Age before beauty! The chalice! The kid and I had a little heart-to-heart before. I told him to use his time wisely. Look who’s talking - how much time have I got left? I’m a hundred and two I have shingles and arthritis, and when I break wind it could start the windmills on an old Dutch painting. But, I’ve still got one more round in me. Call me Cougar, but five’ll get you ten there's a couple of 90-year-old hotties out there just waiting for this Grandma. Full Disclo... Full Disclo... I just peed a little.
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PUGSLEY ADDAMS: Hi, Grandma. Grandma - what if there was this girl who met this person and he’s all like “Hey, it’s the Pugster. What up, little man?” and she’s all like “golly” and “were gonna go now” and they’re running away together. What would you give her? But what if she doesn’t get rid of him? What if all the good times are already behind me? I could stab my arm myself, and I could spray myself with mace, but it just wouldn’t be the same without her.
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MAL BEINEKE: I did not raise my son to be kidnapped by a bunch of creeped out left-wing Spanish weirdos. I was at the office for you. For him. I had plans for the boy! Lemme get this straight - your son, your only son, wants to marry someone who is named for a day of the week and runs around Central Park with a crossbow - and you’re ok with all that? Well, you better come to your senses or I’m gonna have to take steps.
MAL BEINEKE: OK, Addams, I tried. I thought OK, the kids like each other, let’s give it a shot. But you people are insane. You got a house where there shouldn’t be a house, a zombie for a butler, and a man who’s dating the moon. We’re simple people, Mister Addams. We’re not used to your ‘sophisticated New York lifestyle.’ So with your permission, we’re gonna go back to the real America. Full disclosure. Lucas, help your mother off the table.
MAL BEINEKE: This girl walks around with a crossbow? Good. Good choice son. OK, listen up. Now here’s what’s going to happen. We’re going to go back to the hotel. And you and I are going to have a little talk. (Lurch enters.) Hello. Had a little trouble finding this place. Looks like someone shot out all your street lines! Wow, look at this place. (aside) They just move in or what? (to Lurch) Mal Beineke. (no response) This is my wife, Alice. (no response) That’s my son Lucas. (no response) Nice talking to you. Earth to Alice, we’ve landed in Weird City. I say drinks and bye-bye.
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ALICE BEINEKE It’s a lovely dress, Wednesday! ‘Yellow is the color of the warming sun. Yellow is the color of yumminess and fun. Why not show the world the love in which we all believe? Why not wear your heart for all to see, right on your sleeve?” Oh, the rhyming? You see, ‘When I’m depressed or feeling blessed, a poem will get it off my chest. They come to me, they take no time, they just pop out, and always rhyme!
ALICE BEINEKE Oh! A Spanish game, what does it mean? “Full Disclosure,” and you have to tell the absolute truth? I don’t think I would be very good at that game. (“sure you would “– they pass over the chalice) Oh no no no no nooooooo…. (she drinks and is instantly changed). Mal, button your lip and sit right down!!! Remember how it used to be Mal? How we’d look at each other and leave the restaurant in the middle of dinner and rush home and go upstairs; and sometimes we couldn’t even wait and you’d just pull the car over to the side of the – (Lucas: “mom!”) Oh lighten up, Lucas. Parents do it. Live with it. Remember Mal? When we were crazy and the future didn’t exist? What happened to you? The guy with the Grateful Dead t-shirt? Is he ever coming back? How long do I have to wait?
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LUCAS BEINEKE: Wait, wait! We have to talk this over for a minute. We can’t just run away and get married. You said it was important that everyone got along. I know I said it didn’t matter, but they wanna kill each other! Do you want that hanging over our heads? Do you wanna you know what I think? You don’t really want to get married. You just said that to stick it to your mother. You know you’re scared too. Let’s go back in the house and make some rational decisions. Look- I – I can’t run away like this. It’s too crazy. I’m sorry. I can be impulsive! I just need to think about it first!
LUCAS BEINEKE: I work after school at the bookstore. And on weekends, I tutor kids at a charter school. And summers I work at my uncle’s grocery. On my time off, I mostly think about Wednesday and how much I love her and how we could have a wonderful life together. One day, I’ll be a writer. Or maybe a medical examiner. You get to look inside people’s bodies and they don’t mind, because they’re dead.