Family Wellness Ti

Nope. You Can't Date...I'm Not Ready.

Just like the picture, the way we see dating behavior is different now. Kids talk about liking someone and dating before they have any idea what it even means. Have you asked your 4th, 9th, or 12th grader what dating looks like? Have you asked your 4th, 9th, or 12th grader what they are supposed to do when they date? Have you watched your 4th, 9th, or 12th grader act around the person they are dating? How are you supposed to talk to your kids about these things? How are you supposed to tell them your family rules about dating and have them follow them? So many questions. Possibly, too much reality at one time. Let's break down this dating thing into manageable pieces.

Some things to think about for this whole dating thing:

  1. Not all kids are on the same timeline.

  2. Start talks about bodies & dating young.

    • Be truthful.

    • Make talks age appropriate.

    • Allow them to ask questions.

    • Refer to some good books about girl & boy hygiene, emotion, and body development.

  3. Set your body & dating rules.

    • Do this earlier than you think.

    • List what behaviors are and are not okay for your child. All expectations. Things you expect them to do and not do, like homework, chores, phone or video chat time, holding hands. Make the list as big and specific as you need.

    • You can ALWAYS change your mind. Something that you thought might be okay happens and feels NOT okay to you. OR something that you thought was off limits, might be not as bad as you thought. Be honest and quick about this rule change.

    • Have talks about how your rules and someone else's rules might be different, AND they always follow your rules.

    • Give your why when they ask. Be real, be honest.

  4. Remind them that dating is practice for the big show.

    • Rarely do you hear of people successfully marrying or partnering with the 1st person they met. Adolescents and teens are very in the moment, very emotional, and very peer focused. They think this is it. But, as most of us know, this is not it.

    • Help kids process after a break-up. What did they learn? What qualities did they like and not like about the other person? What sort of things will they look for next time? Did they see their own behavior change in ways they liked or didn't like? How will they fix that next time? How did they feel about the whole relationship and how they behaved?

  5. Allow for mistakes.

    • Kids may make mistakes. Kids may break rules. And they may not. It's okay and normal. Be clear about how you'll respond to their behavior.

  6. Put yourself in their shoes.

    • Remember what it was like when you were their age. This might make you want to spout off lots of advice and stuff you learned, but stop before you do. Little bits here and there are easier for them to take than huge lectures.

    • This will help you have more empathy and compassion when they are dramatic and emotional and stubborn.

  7. Manage your emotions.

    • Talks can make you feel protective and bring out big emotions.

    • Talks can make you remember how you felt and bring out big emotions.

    • Use your skills to remain calm. Remind yourself that this is not about you. You are here to help guide your child.

    • This is sometimes easier said than done.

You can do this. Just like your parents did. This is one of those things when you have to start letting go. Trust they will use the skills you've taught them. Hope something sank in. Let me tell you, it did. They heard you. They heard your love and concern. They heard your rules and ideas. They will make choices that you will agree with and not agree with. You will get through this.