Grief Support

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/5-stages-of-grief-coping-with-the-loss-of-a-loved-one

5 stages of grief: Coping with the loss of a loved one

Grief is an unfortunate but inevitable part of life. Whether due to the death of a loved one (this type of grief is referred to as bereavement), losing a job, or any other significant life change, grief is the universal response to dealing with loss.

What are the five stages of grief? We describe each, and how to find support through the grieving process.

What are the 5 stages of grief?

Although everyone copes with loss in different ways, there are five commonly defined stages of grief. The stages were first described by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying. They help provide a framework for the complex thoughts, behaviors, and emotions that are often experienced with the loss of a loved one.

While these stages should not be thought of as resolute — not everyone experiences these stages in the same way or in the same order, if at all — understanding them can help you make sense of the emotions you may be feeling.

Denial

Denial refers to the period of grieving during which a person refuses to accept the reality of a situation. Denial is different than not understanding. It is a defense mechanism that helps us protect ourselves from the shock of the upsetting hardship. A period of denial can be normal and even helpful during the grieving process, as we work to process a difficult situation. Examples of denial include:

• refusing to accept or acknowledge the death

• refusing or avoiding the topic in conversation

• stating the loss is not true, or that the source of the news is unreliable.

Anger

Once a person comes to understand the information they received, and accepts the reality of a death, they often experience anger. Anger can be a natural response directed toward oneself, family members, doctors, God, or even the deceased. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, though it may seem hurtful or offensive to loved ones. Often, anger is just a manifestation of grief, and can present itself in various ways. For example:

• blaming a medical doctor for not preventing an illness

• blaming family members for a lack of care or support

• feeling anger toward God or a higher spiritual power

• feeling angry with oneself or blaming oneself for the death

• experiencing a short temper or loss of patience.

Bargaining

When we experience grief, we often feel hopeless and overwhelmed. It is common to be overcome by statements of "what if" and "if only," as we experience a loss of control over what is happening. During the bargaining stage of grief, a person attempts to negotiate or make compromises. We try to make agreements with ourselves, or a deal with a higher power, in exchange for feeling less sad or having a different outcome. Bargaining is often irrational. Examples of bargaining include:

• "If only I had brought her to the doctor sooner, this would have been cured."

• "If only I had been around more, I would have noticed something was wrong."

• "God, if you bring him back, I promise I will never lie again."

Depression

Depression is a feeling of sadness and hopelessness that often results with the loss of a loved one. While the earlier stages of grief help to protect us from the emotional pain experienced with loss, often these feelings are inevitable. Symptoms of depression include:

• feelings of sadness

• loss of interest in activities you normally enjoy

• changes in sleep

• significant changes in weight

• lack of energy

• feeling agitated or restless

• feeling worthless or guilty

• decreased concentration.

Feelings of depression are a natural reaction to grief. Following the loss of a loved one, acute grief can impact your functioning for a limited time. Bereavement can lead to prolonged grief disorder if these feelings persist and continue to cause significant impairment and distress in your life for more than a year. Prolonged grief disorder is a diagnosable medical condition and can become disabling if not managed appropriately.

Acceptance

Considered the fifth and last of Kübler-Ross's stages, acceptance refers to the period of grief when we finally come to terms with accepting the reality of our loss. When we have reached this stage of acceptance, we no longer deny or struggle against our grief. During this time, we work to focus our energy on celebrating the life of our loved one, cherish the memories that were shared, and make plans for moving forward.

Finding support

It is important to remember that the grieving process is different for everyone. Grief is not "one size fits all." Learning how to deal with grief is crucial for your physical and mental health. Grief can cause changes in many aspects of your daily life, including:

• appetite

• sleep habits

• mood

• energy levels

• health problems, such as increased blood pressure.

Although grief does not generally require treatment, finding a support system can help you better manage your grief. For some people, confiding in others can help lessen the burden of emotions you are experiencing. The goal is to prevent the unhealthy consequences of grief from causing serious damage to your health and well-being. You may find support in people or groups such as:

• family and close friends

• grief counselors or therapists

• grief support groups

• religious or spiritual leaders

• your doctor.

Information on bereavement support services including support groups can often be found on your local community or state government websites.

Other examples of things you can do to help cope after the loss of a loved one include:

• Develop a daily routine. Adhering to a healthy diet, exercise routine, and sleep schedule can help you focus on the things you can control.

• Celebrate the life of your loved one. Consider taking steps to honor the memory of your loved one who has passed in a way that is meaningful to you. This could be anything from collecting photos, to sharing stories, to establishing a memorial.

• Work on finding joy. Allowing yourself to experience joy during difficult times can help improve your mental state and provide long-lasting health benefits.

• Learn about different ways to process grief. Books such as On Grief & Grieving or I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye can help.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by your grief or are in immediate crisis, there are grief crisis hotlines you can contact 24/7 to receive help and resources:

• National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988

• Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988, then press 1 or text 838255

• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 800-662-4357

• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741-741 in the U.S.

If you ever experience thoughts of self-harm or suicide, seek immediate medical help.

Children and Grief

KEY POINTS

Children have a different grief experience than adults.

Several factors can affect how a child will cope with grief.

A child’s understanding of death and the events near death depend on their age and developmental stage.

There are three common worries children coping with a loss have about death.

Did I make the death happen?

Is it going to happen to me?

Who is going to take care of me?

Talking honestly about the death and including the child in rituals may help the child cope with the loss.

Explain the death and answer questions.

Use the correct language.

Include the child in planning and attending memorial services.

There are books and other resources with information on helping a grieving child.

Children have a different grief experience than adults.

Children do not react to loss in the same ways as adults. These are some of the ways children's grief is different:

Children show grief once in a while and for a short time span. A child who grieves may be sad one minute and playful the next. Often families think the child doesn’t understand the loss or has gotten over it quickly. Usually, neither is true. Children’s minds protect them from what is too much for them to handle.

The bereavement process may continue as the child gets older. Children will revisit the loss repeatedly, especially at important times, such as going to camp, graduating from school, getting married, or having children.

Grieving children may not show their feelings as openly as adults. Grieving children may jump right into activities instead of withdrawing or showing grief.

Children cannot think through their thoughts and feelings like adults. Children may have trouble putting their feelings about grief into words. Strong feelings of anger and fears of death or being left alone may show up in the behavior of grieving children. Children often play death games as a way of working out their feelings and worries. These games give children a safe way to express their feelings.

While grieving adults may withdraw and not talk to other people about the loss, children often talk to the people around them (even strangers) to see how they react and to get clues for how they should respond to the loss.

Children may ask confusing questions such as, "I know grandpa died, but when will he come home?" This is a way of testing reality and making sure the story of the death has not changed.

Several factors can affect how a child will cope with grief.

Although grief is different for each child, several factors can affect the grief process of a child:

• The child's age and stage of development.

• The child's personality.

• The child's previous experiences with death.

• The child's relationship with the deceased.

• The child’s surroundings.

• The cause of death.

• The way the child acts and communicates within the family.

• How stable the family life is after the loss.

• How the child continues to be cared for.

• Whether the child is given the chance to share and express feelings and memories.

• How the parents cope with stress.

• Whether the child has ongoing relationships with other adults.

https://lifecare.org/news-events/20-ways-to-help-a-grieving-child/

How to Comfort a Grieving Child

Grieving children may be helped by support groups, camps geared toward the needs of grieving children, appropriate gifts, and open and heartfelt discussions. Following are some ways to help a grieving child.

20 Ways to Comfort and Help a Grieving Child

1. Listen attentively

Remember that listening attentively can facilitate the healing process. Don’t try to “solve” their problem, but use reflective listening techniques to affirm that you are hearing the young person’s story. It’s so important to create a safe place for them to express themselves and tell their story.

2. Be honest and open—and feel free to say “I don’t know”

Children will sense if you’re not being honest and transparent with them. By being truthful, you can open the door for difficult, yet healing, conversations.

Likewise, there are many unknowns related to death and life. Understanding and modeling that you do not have all the answers can aid the grieving process. This creates a sense of safety and a sense of belonging. It communicates that you are all in there together not knowing, but that because you have each other it is better, and there is hope.

3. Speak to them in terms they understand

Age-appropriate conversations are very useful in opening the door to allow the child to freely express their feelings. This is often how the path to coping with grief begins.

4. Give the child a creative outlet

Often, activities such as drawing or keeping a journal can go a long way toward healing. Let the child express themselves through activities such as crafts, listening to music or even writing stories.

5. Maintain boundaries

Children—particularly those who are grieving—need consistency. This means holding them accountable for obeying rules. Be gentle and compassionate when children “act out,” but remind them that they are still responsible for making the right choices. This kind of consistency will give them a sense of permanence when their world is changing.

6. Affirm feelings

Often, when a loved one dies, young people have confusing, scary and new feelings. It’s important to affirm that these feelings are not right or wrong. By doing so, you can help young people in their acceptance of these feelings.

Do not try to change or “fix” their feelings.

7. Share your own feelings

It’s okay for your grieving child to know that you are also sad and struggling with your feelings. This will help them feel like they are not alone. Consider telling them stories about your own life and times when you were struggling with grief and what you learned from it.

8. Try to model calmness when talking about death

Children imitate what they see. If they see you working your way through grief through positive actions, they will often follow your example. In our culture, there is a lot of uncertainty and fear about death—and many young people can take on this fear.

Always be open and honest and be aware that the child is looking toward you for guidance.

9. Do not make assumptions

Remember that grief is an individual process, and everyone goes through it differently. Don’t assume that just because there are commonalities in the grieving of young people that your loved one will follow the same pattern.

10. Give appropriate gifts

How do you give appropriate gifts for a grieving child? Look for items that will honor the memory of the loved one. This is how you help a grieving child.

For example, you may order a stuffed animal or blanket made from the loved one’s clothing. You may purchase a “bereavement kit” that contains framed photos of happy memories and art supplies to encourage your child to find creative outlets for their grief. A pendant engraved with the name of their loved one is a good choice for some children.

11. Read books for a grieving child

There are several online resources that recommend books that deal with grief and the loss of a family member or loved one. We encourage you to read the book to the child, and be sure to answer any questions they might have.

We suggest:

• I Miss You

• The Goodbye Book

• Sad Isn’t Bad

• While We Can’t Hug

12. Participate in a grief support group geared toward children

It helps a child know that they are not alone in their grief. Sometimes talking to others provides support.

13. Share stories about the loved one who died

Sharing memories is often healing. Children are interested in what others were like as children and reliving some of the best moments from the past. Be sure to focus on happy memories

14. Be patient

For both adults and children, processing grief takes time. The event transforms your very core, and it’s important to be patient both with the child and with yourself.

15. Do not underestimate the ability of young people to find their own answers

Expect that young people will have their own answers. Demonstrate a belief in their ability to resolve their own issues. When a setting is created where feelings are respected, young people will say what they need to hear themselves saying.

Sometimes this means allowing moments of silence or awkward pauses. Moments of quiet can indicate young people are thinking and processing and that is what you want to happen.

16. Reach out to others for support

If faith or religion is a source of strength for you, lean on help from your congregation or clergy. They will help both you and your child feel connected.

There are also professional therapists who specialize in assisting children. They can help your child cope with the multitude of emotions they’re experiencing

17. Listen to music

We’ve already mentioned how music can be a helpful creative outlet. One way it can help is by listening to songs that the loved one enjoyed. This is a different facet of the trip down memory lane.

Who knows? Maybe your loved one’s favorite song will become the child’s favorite.

18. Be direct when speaking about death

Children usually take things extremely literally. Therefore, if you explain that a loved one “went to sleep,” it may frighten the child, who will now be afraid to go to bed. By being direct and honest, you’re also helping the child develop coping skills.

19. Discuss the funeral

While funerals often provide closure, some children may not be ready for the intensity. Therefore, a child shouldn’t be forced or coerced to go to a funeral. However, if the child wants to go, give them an idea of what to expect.