free verse/rhyming poetry

Flying Through the Space and Time Continuum

Last night I went driving,

because I felt like I was solely surviving.

And nothing felt right.

I thought perhaps it was the night

to say “I love you but...goodbye”

I asked the stars, and got a reply

of “no, you must keep giving,

for all that you love needs you still living”

so instead I drove ninety down Lorane

because I was just so tired of all the pain

and I wish I had more words to write,

but all I can say is that maybe it will be alright,

I will keep going,

for I am still growing,

and it’s true that I am not yet all knowing,

thus my blood must keep flowing.

I guess I stand corrected,

mostly because my family and friends would be affected,

but the stars were right,

it’s not yet time for me to see the light.

I’m trying to put myself back together with a mixture of newspaper covered in flour and glue.

Into something that resembles a whole person, something new,

something new that maybe will appeal to you.

but what are you, through and through?

Because once you left, once you got up and withdrew,

I was left here waiting for someone, or something, that knew

what the hell I’m supposed to do.

You left me, broken with no bolts, no nails, and only one screw

Who am I without you? I just have no clue.

You said you loved me, but that must’ve been untrue,

because here I am, a paper mache taboo,

waiting for you to pursue,

a love that I guess you outgrew.

The ones

We grow to be taller than the skies

And bigger than the oceans

We don’t stop

We grow faster than ivy

We say

“Hear us, listen to our war cry!”

The beauty of us

We weep the tears that grow the world

We say

“Hear us, listen to our war cry!”

We are the ones!

We grow past the shell containing us

Because there are no boundaries in the heavens

We say

“Hear us, listen to our war cry!”

five years ago I was on the swings

I felt weightless,

forgetting that I had a tube in my nose to feed me,

that my organs were close to failing

that my friends didn’t know where I was and what was happening

that I hated myself

I pumped my legs until my stomach dropped at the top of the pendulum

and I swung back to the bottom

back and forth

I wasn’t thinking of the rolls beginning to form on my stomach

or how the gap between my thighs was growing smaller

or how I couldn't fit my hands around my bicep anymore

my head was empty for once

no thoughts of death

or of numbers

none of how much I missed my friends and my dog

I felt weightless

five weeks ago I was on the swings

I felt heavy

remembering how much i was robbed of

my childhood,

height,

friends,

relationships,

joy,

I pumped my legs until my stomach dropped at the top of the pendulum

and iI swung back to the bottom

back and forth

I wasn’t thinking of how far i’ve come

the friends i’ve made

finding first loves

and surviving first heartbreaks

I was focused on how much I missed it

the thigh gap

the flat stomach

and close to failing organs

the lack of joy

and loss of hair

the constant coldness

the hatred

my head was once again full

full of thoughts of death

of how much I ate

and how badly I wanted a flat stomach

I felt heavy

five days ago

I felt loved

I was wrapped in the arms of a body who loved me

one that rocked me back and forth

its arms held me stable in a world that was always moving

its breaths were deep and even

its heart beating

I was reminded that this body was capable of many things

creating

playing

hugging

swinging

my body had grown taller

gained weight

fuller

healthier

happier

I no longer shook with coldness

the cuts on my arms are now long since fresh

my thighs best friends, never leaving each other’s sides

my stomach is able to digest again

and I can read again

go up the stairs without feeling dizzy

play frisbee

regulate my emotions

live again

my body feels more like my friend than my enemy

it is no longer a battleground

more of hallowed ground

more of home

i felt loved

five minutes ago i meant to continue to write a poem that was filled with sadness

hatred

anger

frustration

i ended up writing one that was more bittersweet

one that was filled with those things

but also one filled with love

gratitude

pride

joy

i stopped writing and reread my words

i knew i was feeling better

i knew my life had more to it now

but i still have my dips

my emotions still ebb

and flow

but i can finally see myself graduating high school

and going to collage

moving into my own apartment

and having my own garden

owning a minivan named Jared Kevin the B*tch Mobile

and two cats named Linny and Genivieve

and living with the person i love

five seconds ago

i felt peaceful

It’s been 11 weeks since school first started,

I haven’t once asked to use the bathroom.

The gender neutral bathrooms are sparse, and only in the main hall.

If I’m in my chemistry class, it takes me at least 7 minutes to get to back to class,

and I don’t want to miss the creation of molten iron.

I hate that I’m hidden away in the nooks of this building.

The sign reads

“Staff Bathroom”

and sometimes the lights don’t work,

other times there’s no paper towels.

It’s grungy and neglected,

but it’s still an everyday fight to have them open, to be able to use them.

GSA wants to advocate to be able to decorate them, make them a safe place for trans students.

I think it’s stupid that we have to have our safe space be a literal shithole.

I shouldn’t have to hold my urine in because I don’t want to miss class or because the bathroom I’m limited to is gross and uncomfortable to use.

I want admin to understand that having a bathroom that is present and cared for shouldn’t be a privilege, an honor,

it’s a necessity.

I showered in the dark today.

stripped myself of my clothing

and my sanity

it felt empty..

(it seems like i’m always empty these days)

nothing fills me to the top anymore

I’m a glass half full,

then half empty

and then the glass falls to the floor.

(but at least it isn’t empty)

((right?))

and as my pants fell from my hips my chin drew to my chest

I lost two inches as my spine curved gently into the slouch it calls comfortable

(it isn’t very comfortable)

I blew out the air i had been holding in my lungs

(in, 1 2 3, out, 1 2 3)

it’s funny how the body works

it’s even funnier how the mind works

and how they work together

(sometimes in tangent)

((usually not though, for what kind of mind prays for the body’s failure?))

I peeled my socks off and turned the water to a temperature that’s almost bearable

(not quite boiling, but not quite comfortable)

flicked the lights off for minimum interaction of eyes to body to brain

(if a person’s body can’t be seen, is it really real?)

((i wish it worked that way sometimes))

as I slipped into the steady stream of steaming water I sighed

(it’s so hard to be strong)

((i don’t want to be this way))

the sound of showering covers the sound of sadness

(sobs seem less heavy when they’re covered up)

eventually the guilt of wasting water catches up with me

so I turn the knob to the right and sit in the sudden and stifling silence

my naked body wrapped in a towel

(what’s it like to die?)

((and why do bad things always have to happen to good people?))

but some point my ass goes numb and my hair is dry…

maybe it’s time to get dressed

but then I’ll have to turn the light on

(that’s the worst part. having to what I’ve been trying so hard to ignore)

((I’m sorry self, it’s just so complicated))

(((it’s really hard to love you sometimes)))