Poetry

straying through the shallowness of day

embraced by weeping willows i pray

pills so persuasive and pupils so pinpoint 

shivering and faint, never to disappoint 

both weather and hands grow colder

is this what they call the pain of growing older?

i sleep in a fetal position in hopeful vain 

as if i will ever be at peace again 

cradled in my mother’s arms, i will die 

if only because i’m pretty when i cry 

i catch myself on the doorway and she asks what’s wrong

please, tuck me in and sing me a song

everytime we meet

my breath shivers, 

lost to temptation’s heartbeat  

alight once again 

a crackling fire of desire 

and the blue flame within

the rush of your touch is utterly pleasing 

but eyes and their lies are often deceiving,

misleading and pleading

though i’d never fall victim to believing 

i look to your lips and forget my grieving

you say you still want to touch me 

but only on the outside 

hungrily roughly quickly 

when my soul longs for you to caress me

understandingly lovingly tenderly 

yet i settle for your touch 

i offer my body to you

shielding my eviscerated heart with my bare hands 

i have given so much that all i can offer 

is this shell for you to use 

and leave on your shelf till you are bored again

to speak into and to run your hands all over 

sometimes i feel the echo 

it is better than nothing

perfectly pear-shaped tears fall from swollen eyes 

down silken cheeks, etched with redness 

a shaking body 

and a face twisted with despair 

cautiously, perfectly, ambitiously 

each droplet a reflection of the traits i told dear 

and those that i fear

will make me lose you 

i treasure our differences like a rosebush 

whose thorns prick my fingers 

over 

and over 

and over 

till blood flows from my mangled hands 

yet i hold this as a truth

which you cannot seem to tell 

with trust shrivel the blossoms 

and i stay 

and i love 

and i anger you with my caring 

because to me 

our rosebush is worth it

the bleeding and the tears 

because i dream

to pick you a bouquet 

and to dethorn each stem 

before i tuck them behind your ear

placing the succulent petals on your tongue 

blame is useless 

when i know nobody ever showed you 

how to garden 

did you know that powdery mildew 

often afflicts roses?

that to avoid it, you must water 

at ground level in the morning

since wet leaves provide 

a perfect environment for mildew 

so even if it hurts me 

i do not blame you for sometimes forgetting

to water our rosebush in the morning 

or not knowing how to prune my emotions 

i cannot understand you either 

i forget to water as well 

i even abandoned our roses for several weeks 

tainting ivory petals with garnet veins 

for which i never expect your forgiveness

because to me it is worth it

to share with you this puzzle 

even in disarray

as long as you help me flip over the pieces 

and to you i will listen 

whether with hearing, touch, or vision 

to however you express yourself

and i will attempt to sort your colors 

even though i am colorblind

in hues of pine green

because to me it is worth everything 

to see how the sun lightens your cinnamon eyes 

to a bright honey 

to kiss the dark freckle below your right eye 

and to never forget

the one on your cheekbone 

to run my fingers through your hair 

inhaling and exhaling you in one breath

one breath that sweeps over blossoming meadows 

stormy and reckless seas 

sleeping towns blanketed by galaxies  

lonely forests of frost and starlight 

and into the heart of intertwined fingers 

yearning to reach into the other’s soul 

to watch from inside how the words flow out of me

and into my outstretched hands 

hands that will reach for you 

until you throw me a rope 

and tie them behind me 

days later i wonder 

as a thousand heartbeats thunder 

why do i allow myself this pathetic disgrace? 

is it love if i crave not your soul, but your taste?

but for some reason 

through your endless crimes of treason

i lie awake in waiting 

missing your warmth beside me 

my heart confused and aching 

loneliness peers at me, bathed in moonlight 

asking me, what makes you shine so bright?

not a person, not anything tangible 

but music and art and a passion so flammable 

my ambitions, dreams, and goals unvalued

a yearning for knowledge in a body so used 

loneliness embraces me then 

in a baby blue blanket of calm 

welcome back, she whispers through midnight wind

in silence i thank her

i have not a qualm

that i will endure till the end 

now that we’ve spoken 

i lie trembling 

my heart utterly broken 

your words echo in my head 

i don’t love you like that anymore 

i don’t know why, it was so sudden

i ask you about our ice cream date last week 

did you feel like this then?

i was still madly in love with you 

how could six months of love 

disappear in six days? 

now you’ve thrown the rope 

and tied my hands 

i wonder 

if i will ever stop crying 

when my entire self feels like dying 

i look up fatal doses and count my pills 

maybe i will endure till my chosen end 

i wonder 

if i will ever sleep again 

without breaking apart at the fact that

i am not being spooned by you 

that your arm doesn’t wrap around me 

but i then realize 

that we never did that recently anyways 

that i mourn a past already long-lost 

that it has been more than six days 

switches flip and fading light bulbs flicker

pupils contract and minds grow sicker 

we touch again, a dance so painless 

i can barely feel 

when tears become stainless 

flying so high that my silken cheeks dry

once again i wonder 

if this is all a dream 

into my frostbitten scream your warmth seeps 

as i fade into drug-induced sleep

i used to cringe and 

reject the idea of looking like my mother 

“you two look exactly alike,” they say 

i would defend my individuality 

and reject comparison to her 

i now take it as a compliment 

i admire her in a divine nature 

her soul like weathered, rain-stricken mountains

face dappled with woodland sunlight 

eyes creased from years of crying 

but bright from a lifetime of trying 

even when i see her weariness 

it only reminds me that i will live through mine 

she has nurtured my inner strength into a diamond river 

with banks of blooming wildflowers 

and weeping willows under which 

i can feel safe weeping in her arms 

i am proud to see her mannerisms emerge in me 

her facial expressions merge into mine

when i nurture somebody in the way i have watched her do so many times 

when i laugh uncomfortably 

doodle on envelopes while on the phone or 

when i audibly cry in the same tone that she does 

though our eyes are different colors 

her gold is woven through my emerald like spiderwebs 

they crinkle in the same way when we smile 

and everytime i change my earrings 

it is her earlobes i see in the mirror 

her hope that helps me sweep up childhood’s broken vase 

and glues each fragment in place

verse 1

i never wish that we never met 

sometimes i dream that it’s you i regret

i hope that this world finally dies 

and i’ll lie in the touch of your eyes

verse 2

i say “fuck you” but i already have 

remind me that all i have left is the past  

i say i’m fine while i’m torn apart 

and i cry at the death of your heart

link 

and i smile and i cry

like the tears will ever dry

but sometimes still i drive past your house at night

chorus  

apathy saves 

and hunger depraves

when starving is my blood on the wall 

anger fulfills 

and killing distills 

i’ll always dare 

to hope you care 

at all

verse 3 

now i’m crying on the bus home again 

i’m screaming out loud cause i still want your touch but then

i sit on the shower floor and sink down the drain

into the indifference of your pain

link 

and i smile and i cry

like the tears will ever dry

but sometimes still i drive past your house at night

chorus  

apathy saves 

and hunger depraves

when starving is my blood on the wall 

anger fulfills 

and killing distills 

i’ll always dare 

to hope you care 

at all

bridge 

tell me why the lies drip 

from your lips like honey  

liquid smooth under my tongue 

and viscous like your bitter words 

i clung 

to you

link 

and i smile and i cry

like the tears will ever dry

but sometimes still i drive past your house at night

chorus  

apathy saves 

and hunger depraves

when starving is my blood on the wall 

anger fulfills 

and killing distills 

i’ll always dare 

to hope you care 

at all

chorus  

apathy saves 

and hunger depraves

when starving is my blood on the wall 

anger fulfills 

and killing distills 

i’ll always dare 

to hope you care 

at all