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“The Smoke Theory of Electricity”

I recently had an incident happen that set me on a path to investigate the little known theories, facts, and discovery and development histories of electricity. While watching TV (A German Telefunken) I noticed some smoke coming from the back of the TV. Out of nowhere I had a memory of a theory that I had read over twenty years ago titled “Smoke and Electric Devices and Components.” Back then I had dismissed this theory and never thought of it again, but today it popped into my head and my next thought was to immediately plug the hole the smoke was leaking from. I jumped up and grabbed the nearest thing, which was a screwdriver, and jammed it into the hole. This caused an even bigger leak that let all the smoke out, and the TV quit working.

Now if you haven’t heard of the Smoke Theory of Electricity, let me present it here for your understanding. Following is the theory as I read it twenty years ago:

From the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke, a better understanding of the mysteries of electrical components is provided. Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work; we know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical system, it stops working. This has been verified repeatedly through empirical testing by countless men and women involved in the Electrical Sciences.

Upon realizing this theory to be factual (having witnessed it myself), I decided it shouldn’t be too difficult to fill my TV with smoke. After all when something is full of water and it all leaks out you just plug the hole and fill it back up with water. So my journey began for a bottle of “Telefunken Smoke”. I went from shop to shop and they all said the same, “We’ve never heard of it”, “It doesn’t exist”, “They don’t make that” etc. I finally decided that it was a conspiracy and all the shops wanted me to take my Telefunken to them so that they could refill it with smoke, thus charging me a fortune. I am not going to let them get away with this, and I will discover the truth.

This started my research into the esoteric theories of electricity. My discoveries follow.

“How Electricity Works”

I present this dissertation on the physical science of electricity for your enlightenment. Today’s scientific question is: “What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves your toaster”?

The following is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend’s mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?

This teaches us two things:

1. Electricity can be a very powerful force, one that we must never use to harm others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.

2. It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of “electrons”, which are very small objects (containing smoke) that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. These “electrons” travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend’s filling. They then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing a “round trip”, since the total number of electrons in the carpet must remain constant. This is known as an “Electrical Circuit”.

AMAZING ELECTRICAL FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without putting your finger in someone’s mouth, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! Usually this is nothing to worry about unless you walk on carpet all day long. If you walk on carpet constantly you can avoid an exploding finger by periodically sticking your finger in someone’s mouth and touching a filling. Remember SAFETY FIRST.

But I jump ahead, the phenomenon that you noticed from the previous experiment was discovered by Ben Dover and an unknown friend. At the time Dover didn’t know about the electrons and smoke, he only discovered the “shock” and the “round trip” as he called it, and the power of carpet (even though carpet manufactures of the time went to great lengths to keep this a secret). Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, computers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in.

Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin’s brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible phrases, such as, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, and Joe Motor to name a few. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed (similar to that which exists in carpets) and the frog’s leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.

Galvani’s discovery also led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond. What technology!

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison’s first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which would soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison’s greatest achievement came in 1879 when he harnessed the power of carpet and invented the electric company. Edison’s design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electric circuit discovered by Ben Dover: the electric company sends electricity (which was later discovered to be smoke filled electrons) through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. They don’t realize that they are paying for used electricity. In fact, the last year that any new electricity was generated was 1937.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani’s, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity.

For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from “Bulldozer” to “Eyeball”.

NOTE: Throughout this dissertation you will have noticed the mention of smoke and smoke filled electrons, this requires an explanation. In the early days it was thought that all conductors (wires), electrical devices and components were full of smoke. This is what made the devices work, this is known as “Conventional Smoke Theory”. After much thought and deliberation, and with the advancements made by Electrical Scientists the “Smoke Filled Electron Theory” was discovered.

The Smoke Filled Electron Theory states that “electrons” (small particles that are weaved into carpet) are filled with smoke. The electrons use this smoke as fuel much the same way that a car uses gasoline. The movement of electrons fueled by the smoke is ELECTRICITY. At times an electron will rupture, releasing a small amount of smoke. The force of this rupture will damage and rupture other nearby electrons, thus releasing more smoke. These ruptures can sometimes be so violent that a flash of light is seen along with the release of the smoke. Once enough smoke has leaked from the device or component it will no longer work. The “smoke filled electron theory” is why you can’t just buy a bottle of smoke and refill your nonworking electrical devices.

So, yes smoke is what makes electrical circuits work. Smoke filled carpet electrons to be specific.

To answer the question posed at the beginning of this dissertation, electricity is the movement of smoke filled carpet electrons and after it leaves your toaster it returns to the Edison Electric Company to be resold and sent back to you and your toaster.

LMA